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Moved out...Vacancy
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::POOF:: ...and the invisible man strikes again.
Just a quick note to let people know that I will no longer be frequenting your establishment. No big drama or anything, just need to expend what social skills I do possess in the real world.
So, thanks for the mammaries and don't bother to reply unless you want to talk amongst yourselves, because I wont be back to read these.
Good luck and fortune and most importantly, happiness, to all, especially you.
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I actually live just outside of Vegas, but this weekend I'm staying at my sister's in Vegas. Well, actually this isn't even Vegas per se...this is Henderson which is like a suburb of Vegas. So I'll be here over the weekend.
It's Memorial Day weekend. Spring for most, Summer for some but regardless a man's fancy turns to love. Or at least lust. That said...
My vote for the two HOTTEST 18 year old girls in the world right now?
Maria Sharapova
Paula Creamer
Look em up if you don't know who they are.
Who are your two hottest? Nah, they don't have to be 18, that was just a coincidence I'm sure.... Oh, which reminds me, I had to go to the cage to turn in my poker chips today and the girl working there asked to see my ID. She said she wanted to make sure I was 21. heh  That made me feel good.
...simple pleasures for a simple mind
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Today was not a bad day.
Poker was a bust again. Not having a good week as far as that is concerned, but hoping to be at the table when the Bad Beat hits.
Remember when I told you about my Freshman Comp Professor and the journal, well, I found it today, and I wasn't as close as what I thought when I tried paraphrasing from memory. Here's what he actually wrote as I graduated his class:
Good Luck, Joey.
You've got a courageous and fighting spirit to protect your idiosyncratic way, and your sensitivity to others' regard for you is working at a fever's pitch. All this will make your personal life pure hell and your public expression of it in writing a delight. You are a writer!! But try to stay a happy camper anyway.
Hmm...I didn't think that would sound so boastful but when I read it now it makes me feel a litte uncomfortable. HOWEVER, if you really analyze what he said, I don't think it's really a compliment. Especially since fifteen years later I seem to have lost all the good things, the strengths he spoke of and now only hold on to the pain. Did I miss my calling? If I did, I know it's not too late...but, I just don't have the motivation. Of course, if the screenplay that is on the agent's desk right now sells...that will be motivation, but then I'll feel guilty that that is the motivation.
The girl that "rolled her eyes at me" is a big part of this journal...I'll tell you about her tomorrow I guess, and yes, she's on yesterday's list also.
Only memories remain, but they're no longer good
They bring the bitter tears, that feel like splintered wood
The dream I never knew, begins to fade from view
The wish I've always wished, has shattered me for good
Broken and alone, I begin to stare
Look at all the dreams, and wishes everywhere
Shatterd and alone, I begin to fade from view
This dream has finally died, and now,
The Bitter Tears
They're just pennies thrown away, from that forgotten day
My heart begins to call, but no one's there at all
I'm wishing through the years, that'll someday bring
The Bitter Tears
I'm dreaming past the life, that once I thought I'd know
The life I dreamed, so long ago that now just brings
The Bitter Tears
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I woke up this morning...which I guess is a good thing. Played poker all day down at the casino, didn't do well...AT ALL. Did a little freelance work on my 'puter before and after. My heart hurts. Got some possible good news. A radio station here in Vegas responded to my email about a part time production person...soo...I appear to be in the running at this point. I hope it turns out in my favor though, I hate to think I wasted going to radio broadcast school for never getting a job, although, like I said yesterday, I'm not aggressively looking since I feel like I have to put my life on hold right now. What? Nobody got the George Bailey reference? MERRY CHRISTMAS BEDFORD FALLS :: sigh ::
As soon as I'm done writing this I'm going to bed...maybe I'll jack off first..but I'm not even in the mood to do that  I'm missing something and I REALLY wish my dreams would tell me something, but they have been INCREDIBLY oblique lately for some reason. I guess just like everything else I'M TRYING TOO HARD. :
in no particular order
Mary Andersen, Redlands, CA
Mary-Beth Berry, Redlands CA
Kristi Adams, DiamondBar, CA
Tobi Moody, York, PA
Carren Spain, DiamondBar, CA
Michelle Gabaldon, DiamondBar, CA
Mary Banuelos, DiamondBar, CA
Amanda Megan Parrish, Madisonville, KY
Patti Carmody, Redlands, CA
Kristi Babbit, Redlands, CA
Meredith Whitt, Redands, CA
Melissa Bakeman, Devore (Redlands), CA
Karen Espeseth, DiamondBar, CA
Melynda Foreman, Farmington, NM
Chelsea Cullors, Farmington, NM
Flavia Van Winkle, Farmington, NM
Arwen Spencer, (Chelsea) London, England
Cassie Mead, London, England
Anne McMunn, Redlands, CA
Missy Frasier, Redlands, CA
Marlene Bologna, Redlands, CA
Brooke, Philadelphia, PA (elvis,teddybear, KC chat)
Jeannie Sacharin, York, PA
Karin Loukakis, DiamondBar (Hacienda Heights), CA
Laura Pew, Redlands, CA
Jenny Seeley, Redlands, CA
Jody Terkeurst, Redlands, CA
Arlene Acosta, DiamondBar, CA
Susan Peavey, Farmington, NM
Ami Carpenter, Farmington, NM
Allison Greene, Redlands, CA
Helga Lowenbaum (I didn't want anyone to be last, so I made this name up)
Some I remember with tears, some with pride, some with nostalgia, some with curiosity, some with pain, and one with regret.
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I was just about to start this blog when an epiphany hit me ... Blog is a contraction for Web Log...and here I am NOT using it as a log...therefore, beginning tomorrow, I will start logging the events of my so called life so that you all may be as bored as I am WOE IS YOU
Over the last few years, a theory on evolution has been developing in the vacant townhouses of my mind. While I will not propose that this is original as I'm quite sure others have done professional research and true scientific hypothesizing on this matter. I can truly say that I have never read or heard such previously. So please, bare with me, as I am not a scientist, not an intellectual, and not under the influence of alcohol or mind altering drugs...at the moment.
Quite simply my theory is that the human species will eventually evolve into a single sex. I also feel that if we were to time travel x years into the future...we...would recognize this future single sex species as female.
Yes, women will rule the world of the future. There are many emotional and psychological reasons I have for this theory, most of which confirm my belief that the female is truly the superior sex. But besides my love of women, my respect, and my admiration of women, there are biological and social Darwinist signs today, that could well signal the beginning of this evolutionary step.
Biological Darwinism
Hermaphrodism. Being born with both sexual reproductive organs is not only possible, but is actually increasing in the human species. So much so, that what may have once been a biological foundation, is now deteriorating to a debate of semantics. Eric Vilain MD PHD and alphabet soup genetics from UCLA says that, "Recent advances in the genetics of sexual development have shown the extreme complexity of defining males and females from a biological standpoint. There is no one biological parameter that clearly defines sex."
I'm not intending to write a paper here, so I'll cease with the quotes and references and continue with my thoughts only. I included that only because I was actually surprised that there was information of this sort out there and thus confirming this theory may not be as extreme as I thought, and thus not as original either. So biological changes are happening in the human species and we all know we would not be the first or only species to be unisex. I believe dinosaurs were (maybe a bad example since they're extinct) and some reptiles are? So, biologically, there appear to be signs of evolution.
Social Darwinism
Society dictates much of evolution. While Darwin instructs of the virtues of evolution ensuring the survival of the species by developing genetic mutations over time that not only survive but also improve the species; simultaneously, society constricts and emphasizes certain characteristics, physical and behaviorally, which are inbred into the future offspring.
I'm sure you've noticed that a great rift is forming in this country; the divide between tradition and evolution. Our understanding of sexual orientation is changing and we are slow to accept this mutation. In fact, this great degree and divisiveness only seems to signal the evolutionary finality and inevitability that is occurring. Homosexuality, especially in the female species has become so much more acceptable in today's society, it is almost becoming revered. (And I'm not talking about the girl/girl movies)
With biological changes, societal changes must follow, if not precede, in order to ensure acceptance and availability and continuance. Are the societal changes happening as we speak the infancy, or even the conception of a biological change of the future? Are the now "freak" biological changes that occur in some humans actually the prototypes for a new species of the future?
Evolution is usually defined as an improvement; growth in a species. Try to imagine a world without sexism? Only in the last thity years have Americans accepted women in traditional male roles and of course in other countries, women are still second-class citizens if not chattel. How much more tolerant would a world be if we were all the same sex? In fact, if sex, as a categorization were eliminated altogether? No more sex discrimination. Perhaps it would be easier to eliminate age and race discrimination soon after...perhaps.
Any thoughts?
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Sunday Night
Insomnia, right on schedule I used to think that it was because I stayed up late on Friday and Saturday, dreaded going to work on Monday and tried in vain to go to bed early on Sunday night, of course to no avail.
Insomnia Sunday Night. (1:40 AM PDT)
Sunday nights were always bad for me over the last ten maybe even fifteen years. I just don't know why it's still happening. I'm not working, I'm happy, (contrary to my blog, I know, but in actuality, I am happy. A person can be happy and lonely at the same time) I'm doing some things in my life I feel I should be doing, even though it means putting my life on hold, before I regret that I will NOT be ABLE to do them.
As a matter of fact. I'm feeling a bit George Bailey right now. I've taken my suitcase covered with stickers from around the world, packed full of life and stowed it away deep on the top shelf of my closet. Again going back to the whole want/need debate...it just seems like something I need to do.
A matyr?
Maybe...I have probably often tried the robe of a matyr on just because I hoped I would be owed something someday. Of course, when you do a selfless act expecting something in return, it's not a selfless act.
I could write a bunch more...but....I agree with you that you just really don't wanna hear it.
I'm sick of hearing it too.
:: sigh ::
Oh, and I have a huge zit on the left side of my chin...so...local ski resorts are trying to sue, apparently. Something about me not having a permit to build a slope.
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http://www.ushistory.org/franklin/a...raphy/index.htm
I know I'm a bit geeky on things like this, but this is just absolutely incredible. To be reading this man's work, in his own words, his life from his perspective. Reading this has given me GREAT understanding and I wanted to share with you all.
I haven't finished reading it, but part of it was well before the Revolutionary war, and then the rest is after. (Maybe some during even)
I'm just continually amazed and awestruck. I have always been a huge fan of the revolutionary times and HOW these people made the decisions they did and how they followed through. AND, how we still live by their founding principals. I would do anything to be a fly on the wall during these times. Ok, maybe not a fly..but you know what I mean.
Hope you enjoy.
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When I was in Freshman Comp in college, (just community) my professor and I used to butt heads like crazy. We just couldn't agree whatsoever on my writing. Funny, how he is probably the teacher I ended up respecting very highly and "obviously" still remember. Anyway, my point was going to be that one of the assignments in that class was to write daily in our journal. The premise being that it didn't matter what you wrote, as long as you wrote something every day, because writers write every day. Even back then my writing wasn't much different than what you guys have already experienced in just a few short days. That being my point. This was fifteen years ago and he wrote at the end of my journal...wait let me get it...so I don't paraphrase. ...
He wrote...nevemind, it's out in the garage and I'm not getting dressed again to go out there. But what he said basically was that he didn't understand half of what I ever wrote but that my life was pure anguish and misery and that would make me a terrific writer. Somehow, I think he would be saddened to learn where I am now and what I have achieved. More correctly, have NOT achieved.
I could have been a guitarist. I could have been a piano player. I could have been in a band. I could have been a songwriter. I could have been a writer. I could have been a medical examiner. I could have been a lawyer. I could have been a teacher. I could have been a DJ. I could have been a friend. I could have been a lover. I could have been a husband. I could have been a soul mate. I could have been anything I wanted. It just never happened because there could have been so many things I could have been...I became nothing. Never knowing how, or which one to choose. There have been many times when I wished I was simple mindeed and adept at only one vocation. Then again, there have been many many many more times I wished I was invisible. Unfortunately, I think the latter came true. Even more unfortunately, it wasn't the cool kind of invisible where I could sneak into girls' locker rooms and peek.
This kind of invisible is much worse. I do realise it is by choice. My choice. In fact, I"m not even sure I feel sorry for it anymore. I have become very good at disappearing. Of course when your only social contact is through the internet...disappearing and becoming invisible is but a mere thought and quick press of the DEL key. I've done it before and I'll do it again.
Just a little quick aside for you. A moment from my past, just so you realize that not EVERYTHING is in my head. about five years ago I met a girl in chat. Typical chat story I guess. We hit it off. Talked 20 hours a day online, moved to the phone and eventually met. But let me get back to that in a minute. You see, a relationship online is COMPLETELY different than a real life relationship. Don't let anyone tell you differently. Online relationships are intense. Condensed. Intimacy in its purest, untainted, unadulturated, most powerful form. No physical intimacy, jut pure emotional intmacy in a powerfully condensed, rapid evolutioin. You tell each other everything, and then you each sit and smolder in the intimate knowledge of each other with then multiplies the effect ten fold, seperately, yet together. I know that didn't make too much sense, but it's hard to explain. Anyway, we actually set a wedding date (8/2/2) I thought that was a cool date, plus my birthday was in august.  I lived in San Diego, she lived in Kentucky. We eventually did meet. I flew out there. We both learned a lot that weekend. It was like all the work the entire relationship we built online was a different species of animal I guess it was like we had built this sandcastle and found out we couldn't live in it in real life.
Now, don't get me wrong. I beleive it waa my fault it didn't work. I was so disappointed and heart broken when I learned that our relationship would have to start over in the real life, and the fact that we were still going to be separated by 2000 miles was too hard on me. So I looked for reasons it didn't work. I'm not saying this to be sorry for myself or masochistic...but I really think it was my fault...
Anyway, I was on my way to Carnegie Hall...
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00000000000written under the influence of alcohol...please, don't drink and post--------------==========0900000000000000000000000
Forget survival of the fitteset, it's survival of the superficial. I'm jst so pissed right now. I mean what the fuck is life all about? I give up. You try to be nice, interesting, educated, you are definitely funny and you try to see things from all angles and DIFFERENT angles. You meet someone, they seem to be interesting, but what the heck does that mean anyway? Who the hell wrote the book on interesting? Charming? IS THERE REALLY b book at all? Anyway, I know have no idea what this post is about, because it seems that there is a lot of nithingness and what's the use in my life. You all laugh at me and dismiss me yet you don't even know me? Of course I'm using ME and I and Joey in the UNIVERSAL sense, I"m not talking about myself, i'm talking about all mankind...women please dont be offended at the use of mankind, i'm not being chauvanistic, FAR FROM IT...it's just like calling audrey hepburn an actor. It's a universal term, not a sexist one. :: sigh :: sex...whatever. I'm just really feelling kinndsa sad tonight. I heard something a friend (well not really a friend I'm probabllly just an annoying bug to her)) but anyway, she said something last night in a drunken stupor that just really made my heart explode. It was just so sad and i don't even know if she knows'/remembers she said it. Anyway, I better not shut up about that before I say too much. This isn't about airing someone else's dirty laundry or anything, i'm just trying to point out that once again my feelings are useless, superfilous, meaningless, in fact only even known to me. nobody elses cares. but of cursse all this is my fault. i'm too scared to even get out there and TRY and meet anyone. and anyone i do meet bores me to tears. (i like to eat fleas, my name starts with B like Barbie...anyway i've never actually met anyone that said that to me...but that's the endless droning i hear in my head from the mass majority) Its resaally hard afo r me to meet anyone anyway, first i'm really shy, i'm really emotional, i want to treat the girls i meet like they are the most special nicesst ncredible girl in the world and i would do anything for them ESPECIALLY listen to them...but apparently THAT TURNS WOMEN OFFFFFFFFFFF HA SOCIAL DARWINISM CAN KISS MY ASS....WOW, wait a minute....DOES THE LAST INDIVIDUAL OF A BREED know that they are the last and about to be wiped out by social darweinsissm? Did you know tha tnobody any even reads my blogs? no biggie, when they do respond they don't get it and just mimic like trained parrots inanne comments aimed at each other instead of the meaning of the blog. ov course i'm being egotisitcal and selfish in even assuming that there is any meanings in these blogs. it's kindsa like mssturbation. sure it makes you feell good and you put a lot of work into doing it right, but it don't mean shit to anyone else. That's all i really want...to mean shit to someone else. I just wish i knew why...whnever and WHATEVER death is, i better be able to pause the tape and ask wahtever cosmic being THERE STOP, WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING HERE? WHY DID I DO THAT? why did SHE do that to me? SHE FUCKING ROLLED HER EYES AT ME WHEN I HANDERD HER MY HEART? and HE/SHE/COSMIC MOTHER NATURE BEING BETTER HAVE A DAMN GOOD EXPLANATION. That' s all i'm saying. Actually probably the best definition i've heard of death was in the movie The hours...so i'm guessing it was something virginia wolfe wrote...that death is when we go back to where we came from..just nobody remembers where they came from. I know this doesn't mean anything to any of you and that's cool, i'm not looking for anything...well at least not from anyone of you, i mean, you are all just black and white flickers on my monitor anwyway when you really think about it. DAMN, it has been YEARS since I've felt sorry for myself about being lonely...WHY has it come back now???? EVER SINCE YESTERDAY Something just clobbered me the loneliness birds have returned and laid eggs of stone in my heart. I nneeed to be come jaded and cynical reall soon so this doesn't hurt so much....i thought i had forgotten how to hurt over the last 5 years, but i wjust wasn't living..and now that i'm on this vision quest and searching for happeinsess and lving once again...all i have is soft gushy 10 gallon heart of uselss love. LOVE FOR SALE HEART FOR SALE SOUL FOR SALE....nevermind, i can't give it away much less sell it.
I wonder if i;ll actually post this lol YES I SAID LOL so deal with it you nazi anti-acronymist.
anachronism. I guess that 's what i am. i'm sure there used to be a time when a boy who wanted to be good to a girl was worth something....just not anymore.
Love you all, especially you. no matter what you think of me.
peace and your secret that completes you, makes you whole, now and forever. I wish that for you all, especially you.
I thnk this is a long entry, but i don't feel like scrolling up to dfind out. is there some kind of award for the longest blog entry? can i win? please? how about one fo those pernt things...then i'll feel like i belong....what do you do when you don't even belong home. i have never for one moment in my life felt like i belonged to anywhere or anyone. honest, kinda sad isn't it? theres allways been this ummmm..........i dont think ache is the right word......its more like a hollow vacuum of desire unfullfilleddd aching. anyway,
officially out, the village idiot except substitute lonely guy for idiot i mean what's the use of a heart if you can't give it away...it's really just a tumor then isn't it. a cancerous collection of mutated cells, communing in a collective until it squeezes all life into death. hee hee that's my heart.
It has to be me. After all these years, all the girls, all the places, all the circumstances, the one constant is me....Don't have to einstein to figure this equation out. The constant is me.
Good night all, sweetest dreams.
*Note: I was going to edit this post and clean up some of the grammar (yes, I am THAT anal) but decided to leave as is plus i learned the cool italics and bold stuff ...thanks ssimon
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At first it seems ludicrous, I know. However, give pause for just a moment and consider.
Is there any thing more real than your feelings? Is there any thing in the real world that drives to the brink or envelops you wholly as intensely as your emotions do? It would be so easy to slip down the slippery semantic slide of reality is perception, but I want to divert. I want to divert to an emotional level. Unfortunately, it is quite easy for me, to divert emotionally. Let's not be so empirical, so apathetic, so shallow, so glossed, so superficial, so stoic, so repressed, so scared.
Reality is not perception as the intellect steers us. Whose side are the intellect on anyway? Isn't it their fault a child cries alone at night instead of into the bosom of their mother? Isn't it their fault that free thought has been exorcised from public education? Isn't it their fault that the spirits are now only vodka, gin, and something to take prozac for?
We've lost touch with reality. Somewhere, we switched from what we feel, to what we see, or even more appropriately in this day of mass-media tyranny, what we're told. In far too many cases if you show your emotions, there is a pill for it. NOT only is their a pill for it, but there is a COMMERCIAL for it. Just a bit too Orwellian for my heart.
My reality is what I feel. If I feel lonely, then the world is a very lonely place. Two people together, holding hands, swimming in each other's souls, the anthithesis of loneliness, but my perception sees only loneliness, my loneliness, my reality.
This is not a bane, but a boon. A timely blessing. If reality is what we feel, then we are in control of our reality. Eventually. A TIMELY blessing. A blessing society has no time, no patience, no belief, no acceptance of anymore.
I've lost touch with reality. I've lost touch with the spirits. I've lost touch with my heart. I've lost touch with my souls.
because
It takes two worlds
It takes two spirits
It takes two hearts
It takes two souls
It takes two people
to touch
Empower yourself, don't just listen to the wind, talk to it. Don't just listen to the babbling of the brook, respond. Don't just listen to the world...feel it.
RIGHT NOW, any question a human can ever possibly conceive or ponder, is already answered by nature.
There's nothing wrong with thinking...I highly reccommend it.
Just don't forget to feel.
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