First, being lied to about the nature of sin and forgiveness in 6th grade. Two years previous, I had made my first Sacrament of Confession. Then, in 6th grade, my religion teacher told me that all of my sins would be forgiven if I carried a rosary in my pocket. When I asked why we had made a Sacrament of Confession if the forgiveness of sins was as easy as carrying a rosary in my pocket, I was yelled at, told not to ask questions, and given a detention. I was already questioning the Catholic faith I was raised with, and already insecure in the notion that God existed.

My parents and teachers somehow symbolized God for me, and I knew they were far from perfect; to believe the statement that God is all-knowing, all-loving, and all-forgiving as I was consistently told would have taken either a) a break from the hierarchical belief that authority descended from God or b) an insane leap of faith that flew in the face of experience and reason. The first option would take another year or two of living and growth. The second option was against my nature. Instead, I broke with God, and decided that He couldn't exist because his traits were not apparent in his representatives.

Second, during my first year of graduate school, one of the school's track stars said that she prayed to God before every race, and that's why she placed in the top three for every race. I wondered what would happen to her faith if she lost a race. Would she think God had abandoned her?

What has bothered me involves one or more of the following:

- viewing belief in a higher power as some sort of cosmic cash machine (God has changed my life. I now have a better job because of my faith.)
- the reliance on a sort of feel-good, spiritual-candy vision of religion (Ain't God cool?)
- the notion that belief and faith cannot be subjected to objective reasoning (You just have to have faith. Don't worry about it.)
- the notion that "my-God-must-be-your-God" (This is what we face everyday in religious or spiritual debates)

Answer to the first:
No wonder people feel alienated from a belief system. If only teachers and parents were more careful with children. Encouraged their curiousity. Had enough self-awareness and confidence to not set themselves up as gods, but as figures of authority who are fallible, but can generally be trusted. I do not advocate raising children without authority--far from it--that would remove the element of personal responsibility which is generally lacking in people. I simply would like to see people give children honest answers, or admit that they don't have the answer, rather than punish the child for it. I would like to see parents encourage children to explore nature, to make hypotheses and test their assumptions, to see developing a relationship with a higher power as being preferable to looking only for favors or for soothing a guilty conscience.

Answer to the second and third:
All beliefs, whether atheistic, agnostic, or centered around religion or belief, must be tested at some point. This should be sooner, rather than later, in order to avoid sacrificing a belief at a moment of true struggle. I advocate spending a few years trying to prove the converse of whatever is believed. Fear not...I'm not telling you to believe in God. I'm asking that you challenge every assumption or belief that you hold dear, whether it deals with religion or deals with your system of ethics and morals. I'm asking that you evaluate every piece of information you receive, and test the warrant of every claim.

Answer to the fourth:
I have no answer any more. I'm tired of all the prosthelytizing. I simply ask people to leave me alone, or explain that I already have set beliefs that will not change. Just yesterday, I was invited by an office mate to attend a Chi Alpha meeting with her. To those of you who don't know what Chi Alpha is, it's a cult-like Christian Fellowship group that operates on campuses. They target international students a lot because they are vulnerable in a new country. Once people get sucked into all the emotional candy provided, the leaders start controlling who gets to date who, and decrees whether they are "allowed" to break up with people or not. I've seen her come back from meetings alternatingly giggling and crying hysterically about "God's Love." Yikes.

In short, I believe that religion offers a cozy system to many, but all organizations do that. I believe that it is up to us to figure out our own systems, but to do that, we must break free of what we know to be true. We must question, constantly, and never be satisfied even with "known facts." We must not be afraid to step outside of the lines periodically. We must accept that we are flawed, that we are often wrong in our reasoning. We must be devoted to the challenge.