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Dingle
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I stumbled upon this website at http://postsecret.blogspot.com/. The idea is this, anyone can create a postcard revealing a secret that they hold inside, and send it (no not as an email attachment, I said postcard damnit! think stamps!) anonymously to the author of the website, where it will be shared with the world.
When I first glimpsed the site I can't say I was all that enthusiastic about spending much time there, but I must admit that I was quickly sucked in, and I read every postcard from the top of the page to the bottom. Now I know what you're thinking, "wow he read a whole page, give this guy a fucking medal", but this isn't a normal "page", this is like the Tour De France of webpages. As far as I can tell, the entirety of the website is conveniently presented on one single page, a plan I intend to incorporate right here on The Asylum.
So I read the postcards on the site. I thought some of them were funny, some sad, some clever, some even brought a tear to my eye. Yet, many were just crap that should've been eliminated to make room on the homepage for the good stuff, and we all know space is finite on the homepage. Bits and pieces of poems or songs or cliches, some blatantly fictional, pitiful suicidal cries for help, and some are just plain stupid, but all in all it was worth the read.
Some of the secrets were so powerful that I'll share them with you here.
This one speaks pretty clearly for itself, and I dedicate it to JEB Stuart. Seriously now, is there anyone who doesn't?
This reminds me of a joke from one of those Truly Tasteless joke books. It went something like this:
· Boy: "Mommy, I don't want to eat tomato soup again."
· Mom: "Shutup and eat, we only have it once a month!"
Men, I think the lesson is clear, don't eat soup.
At the risk of Smug Git calling me a savage, after all I pee in the shower, I admit that I almost never wash my hands after using the toilet. I mean, if I piss on my hands, sure i'll wash them, but otherwise what's the point? Because I touched my cock? It's not fucking diseased! I, like most men, adjust myself several times per day, and I urinate several times per day. This, coupled with masturbation, means I can touch my cock anywhere from 10 to 100 times per day, and i'm not going to wash my hands every time they touch my cock.
I included this one because it's just so... erotic. There's a very good chance this person will join The Asylum, if (s)he hasn't already.
And here are a couple more that didn't make that site:
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RSS is catching on, and rightfully so. It's one of those really cool ideas which continue to make the internerd better, more useful, and cooler.
RSS is Really Simple Syndication. It allows one website to share content with other websites, or applications, in a standardized manner. Where previously, if you wanted to, for instance, display recent Newsweek stories, you would require a script or program which would fetch the newsweek.com homepage and try to strip the needed information out of the source code. Even if you got that working it would break every time newsweek.com modified their layout code.
With RSS this is easy. RSS is an XML format, it is structured and very simple to parse, it made something which was previously more work than it was worth in development and maintenance time into something that developers can easily use with confidence that things won't suddenly break because some html was modified.
But what does that mean to YOU?! I realize most of you probably don't care about the technicalities, so i'll show you a few cool, useful things you can do with RSS without knowing much at all about RSS.
Asylum RSS
First of all, the asylum homepage and blogs now come complete with validated RSS feeds. There are 3 types of feeds:The Asylum pages with feeds have a rss icon in the header title, as seen here:
If you see this icon, you know there's a feed for that page, and more importantly, you know the address to that feed because it's a link. You can click on it, or right click on it and select "copy link" or "copy link location" to get the feed url.
How to Find an RSS Feed
Many websites have an icon of some sort on their homepage to indicate a feed, some similar to the icon Asylum uses, but many others, and some without any icons or links at all. In that case you'll have to do some minor sleuthing.
Firefox comes in handy here, because it will tell you if a webpage provides a feed. A RSS icon in the lower right hand corner of the browser indicates the website you're viewing provides an RSS feed:
If you think or know a website has a feed, but you can't or don't want to bother to find the url to the feed, it's not at all hard to determine in the page source. Click the "View Menu" of your browser and select "Page Source". You'll see a whole bunch of scary code, but don't fear, what you seek is near.
The info you want will typically be in the head of the document, which means at the top. The info should be in a <link rel="alternate" href="..."> tag. Look for something like this:
The value of "href" is your feed address.
How to Use an RSS Feed
So yeah yeah, you've got the address, now what the fuck do you do with it? That's a good question, after all the whole purpose of finding a feed is to use it somehow, but how?
Google Homepage
One of my favorites is the google homepage at http://www.google.com/ig. You may have to create a Google account to save your preferences, but it's worth it.
After you create an account or login, on your Google Home page, click the "Add Content" link in the top left corner to expand the menu.
This expands to give you a whole bunch of popular things to add to your start page. Go ahead and add some, hell add them all if you want. They have some cool stuff you can add just by clickin.
Then notice the last section, "Create A Section", this is a spot where you can finally use those RSS urls! Enter an asylum RSS url, for example http://www.asylumnation.com/blogs/index.rss , and it will be added to your homepage. Pretty cool, right? There are literally millions of feeds you can add to this page, you can create a homepage here that will give you all the latest news stories from all the sources you care about most, and organize them as you see fit.
My Google homepage, each section can be dragged and dropped into a new place:
Now set your Google start page as your default home page in your browser options.
Firefox Bookmarks
Firefox has a really cool feature, you can bookmark an RSS feed and it will automatically check the feed and update the bookmarks, so you get a dynamic list of headlines.
If you click the firefox RSS icon described above:
and select "Subscribe to the feed", you can create a dynamic bookmark group of stories. Place your feed bookmarks in the toolbar to make it even more useful:
Newsreaders
Figure this out yourself, there are a ton of different newsreaders out there, some do cool fancy things like show an alert from your system tray when one of your feeds posts an update, others don't do much of anything fancy, but they all read your feeds.
Other Stuff
This is by no means the limit, but it is the end of my time here today. Now that you know about RSS, and you know how you can use RSS, you can keep your eyes peeled for new feeds and put them to good use. There are many applications other than what i've described here, such as cell phones, GPS, MP3 playlists, newslists, forums, anything under the sun. You could probably even set your google start page as your active desktop very easily. Anyways, the point is embrace it or die in pain, sluts.
That's all folks.
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Limey Expelled From US for Indecent Defication in the White House
(Hooters ## Washington, DC) An unidentified British citizen was removed from the White House by force and returned to the UK after a brief confrontation.
The accused allegedly soiled a bathroom in the White House during a public tour, and assaulted White House staff when confronted. Reports indicate that the bathroom was extensively soiled with feces. There is no indication of any motive at this time.
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So you wanna find out, do ya?
It seems every site on the internet nowadays has a test specific to them. Something that they can call their own. A test that isn't yanked from a fucking Fark link. A test that defines you as a member of your community. Websites that devote precious space to tell you how you fair in their community. OK, they don't, but they'll follow our lead soon enough. What's your Spark IQ? Which Monster Robot Are You? Are You Hot or Not? Fuck all that. What you really want to know, what you're dying to hear, is simple: What Asylumite Are You?Answer the questions before you look at the choices. Consider who you are, as a human being. And then accept what a fag that human being is. Take the test, and accept your fate.
There can be only one.
[ Click Here to Take the Test ]
P.S. Yes I know this is a week old, but im posting it as news for the sake of keeping it easily accessible
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 (Hooters ## Sedona, AZ) Many reports of an unidentified flying jackass hovering over the Arizona desert came streaming in last weekend. A 9-1-1 operator reportedly stated "People are justifiably in a state of panic, it is after all a frightening thought".
While many visitors have fled the city, some local old timers remained calm. "It's just that jackass flying his balloon again" said J. Dickellover of Sedona, as if such an abhorration were a normal occurrence.
Sedona, which is not far from the infamous Area 51, has been flooded with UFO seekers and conspiracy theorists, however the federal government maintains that the sighting was nothing more than a low flying weather balloon.
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Anal Sex Month. Can anyone remember the last time we had an anal sex month? Jeez, I can't remember, it's surely been a long time. In fact, i'm not even sure October is legitimately Anal Sex Month, but since the holiday has gone by unobserved for so long i'm redefining anal sex month as mid-October through mid-November.
I also want to dedicate this Anal Sex Month to a very speshal poster here at The Asylum. So special and so inspirational, that in fact i've decided to re-name Anal Sex Month altogether this year after her and her monumental accomplishments. Let's hear it for Bunkum's Virgin Asshole Cherry Buster Month!!! *pause for applause*
Before we delve into our dear bunkums recent ass-ripping experience, let us re-visit the history of anal sex for the newcomers this year.
The young generation take a lot of things for granted: Cable T.V., remote controls, cellular phones, automatic transmissions, cd players, computers, high-speed internet, food, water, easily accessable hunting rifles, drugs, friends who are old enough to buy smokes/booze, moms cash drawer, competent doctors, funeral plots, and of course promiscuous anal sex.
Legitimate anal sex is historically a very new practice, and has only existed since the mid-70's. An alternate, satanic form of anal sex existed before then, and still exists today, however it is discredited by every legitimate anal sex authority in existence, and scorned by the general public becaue of it's vulgar indecency. This method is sometimes referred to as "gay anal", however hundreds of synonyms have been attributed to the vile act.
 Gay Anal is achieved when a male penetrates the rectum of another male with his erect member. Yes, please take a second to gag on your vomit, it is a vile, perverse, putrid practice that only leads to spreading the homo poison to us straight, god-fearing W.A.S.P.s.
Now that the facts are in order we may get back to our favourite anal recipient, bunkum dearest. While I applaud the revelatin of her newfound anal fixation, this isn't exactly the first time it's come up, as she seems to imply.
While i've never banged her asshole in the flesh, I can tell you it is damn near virtual reality in ivisit. I slapped on some warm beef liver and i couldnt tell the difference. No way that girl is an ass virgin.
Bunkum's case as she pleads it seems to be quite convincing on the surface, but it's really a cover-up for  her own anal perverion. She claims that she's an ass virgin looking for anal advice, yet she hasn't even read
the anal sex bible: "The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women". It seems every American since 1982 read this book in 5th grade, except bunkum of course, she just needs to perpetuate her deception for anal masturbation material. I'm not necessarily suggesting she has lied about her anal virginity in the flesh, and perhaps she really did lose said flower as she claims, but she is hardly a newcomer to the crap mining business.
Quite conveniently for her, I am unable to post her PM's to me because of the Princess Asswhore debaucle, which is a shame because said messages would prove every word of this article. I have engaged Bunkum regularly in anal darts for 2 years now, always at her request no less.
 Perhap as I continually savage her character in public such as this she will one day cave ass first into my cock (balls deep). Until that moment, and perhaps after that moment, I may continue to, but probably will not write any more long drawn out analysises of bunkums anal sex life, because it ended up too much fucking work. maybe my next article will cover her average vaginal discharge volume.
ON BEHALF OF MYSELF, AND THE ASYLUM MANAGEMENT, WE WISH YOU A GAY MERRY ANAL SEX MONTH, AND HOPE YOU PROSPER FROM ALL YOUR ANAL ENDEAVORS.
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In a controversial effort to please Canada's population which is comprised vastly of homosexual men, they have announced their intentions to produce what has been dubbed "Cock Cash", Canadian tender featuring nude gay models proudly displaying their inferior Canadian man bits.
Criticism is not limited to the sexual theme of the designs. Some have criticized the ethinicity of the men displayed. "What the hell do they have a black dude on there for? Everyone knows there (are) no blacks in Canada." stated Mr. The Jackass of Sedona, AZ.
However, judging by the endowment of said black male, it can be assumed that Canada does in fact have one negro.
The controversy doesn't end there, however. It's been determined that at least one of the featured homosexuals is in fact a U.S. citizen. Mord E. Queer of Colorado Springs explained "I just wanted to lick cock in the cold".
An associate of Mr. Queer, Mugtoe of Minneapolis, commented "If he wanted to lick cock in the cold he should've called me".
The new currency is expected to be released in early 2003.
Pictured left to right: bowmore, CRSR, Buddha's Penis, Mordecai, Wil Freak aka 'The Hammer', Dick White
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 (HOOTERS ## Providence, RI) In an embarrasing incident a local woman identified as Joey Cat was arrested and charged with indecent exposure and sexual deception last Saturday after parading her privates on the busy streets of Providence.
"I feel hurt and betrayed." Said a local man Frank N. Beans who had been courting Ms. Joey Cat for several months. "I had no idea she had cock 'n balls, I can't believe she deceived me like this."
Joey Cat is facing castration and death by boning for the sexual deception charges, but she maintains that the phallus is not hers.
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I don't know if you've heard, but starting Jan 1, 2003 you will no longer be able to use a cell phone while driving unless you have a "hands free" adapter.
 I went to Circuit City and they wanted $50 for a headset with a boom microphone for my cell phone. I have come up with an alternative, working through Office Depot. These kits are compatible with any mobile phone and one size fits all. They are $0.03 each in quantity. I tried them out on Erickson, Motorola, & Nokia phones and they worked perfectly.
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Man Steals Odd Store Display
Late friday night in a small pharmacy in London, UK a man entered posing as a regular customer. He was dressed nicely and carried several red roses in his hand. He made his way to the back of the store where he then picked up a store display and ran out the door with it, leaving the roses scattered on the floor as he fled. 2 of the 3 other customers in the store at the time identified the man as Phil Lip aka Sp00ky, a resident of London, UK.
It turns out that the store display that Phil ran off with contained 30 disposable enemas. Police are still uncertain why anyone would need that many enemas. And they are still looking for Phil for further questioning. The store owner had only recently set up the display as part of a 3 week promotion. "Maybe he was severly constipated and didn't know what else to do" the store owner later stated.
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