Oh little liar, how drunk I became on thee...|
Tongues & tales and sad farewells
grips and lips and poison sips
indulgence ripped me in two
opposing sides slipping through
a dirty window with no view
no little liar , not even of you
behold the perpetual fall from grace
your smell, your colors your taste
festered & scream of profane haste
surge of clarity
purge the hilarity
of your faux familiarity
And why and who and what|
I never understood, still donít leave minimally, but thanks to the generosity of onlookers (nute) I know now not everyone tastes what they feel, sees what they hear and in turn feels what they hear& tastes in a very real & abrupt way.
No wonder I feel like an alien most of the time. The world is a very different place for me, synthesia, is what t is called and it leaves me awkward and living in stereoÖwith the grace of a soaring ostrich.
Ha ha ha he he he ho ho hoÖI understand walrus tates like chickenÖ.with bacon & ass on it.
koo koo ca choo
this post was brought to you by jagermiester and the letter f.
I met the coolest guy a few days ago. He is a scarred angel and a priest of sorts. The religion is motorcycles. He makes custom bikes and people get much pleasure from his work. To watch people's reaction is impressive and he doesnt seem to have let it go to his head. One guy in middle of an impassioned recollection of a motorcycle he saw at a show wound up to be talking about one of this guys bikes which I guess wound up somewhere in Los Angeles. He is godly & I already worship at his alter. I feel a light inside I havent felt in a great while. I am blessed just to know him and humbled by his presence.
disclaimer: This is a vent session where I am being selfdepricating, the only thing it offers is that the punchline is me.|
I havenít slept since 10 last night, Im super stressed and overwhelmed and alone and frustrated blah blah.. and everything around me seems to be echoing, leaving a metallic smell that gives it a bit of a coldness that breathes and colors everything a dingy yellow. No one is here but me and my body still aches from the last job I just finished. My hands feel like they have been stomped on repeatedly.
Iím eating a lot of shit, so other people donít have to, taking away their stress and piling it on myself. Im also cleaning up other peoples messes and doing damage control. Yeah they all love me, ole shante will take care of it. Their love stops short of the ability to see that it is all killing me. A good deal of it is due to the fact that I am trying to make everything all very easy for just about everyone Im connected to including my ex-husband who stayed in the house we bought and has taken on the burden of that mortgage. I wasnít going to fight over the house even though I have the kids through the week, plus I didnít push the child support issue because I know he is strained and I dont want to be a source of misery to him. he is a good guy and maintaining a good relationship with him for my children trumps everything else. I ask him for help when it is absolutely necessary and pay him back when I can, but now Iím in a place where everything has come down at once and I know it isnít with in his ability to help me. Im going to have to come up with some major hat trick.
I started my company so I could work my own hours, working around caring for my children.I have gone to work after putting them to bed and worked till it was time for them to wake up. I do that often in an effort to do what I said I was going to do for people while still being there for my children. Being a woman in this business also demands that in the beginning I bid very low, earn my merit with each client then I put myself in a position to bid like the men do. I donít really blame people for not expecting much when I approach them and tell them what I do and I donít mind proving my worth. Thing is that is all Iíve been doing, the money has been shit and my last partner was a fucking albatross. Financially I am deeply in debt and between projects with nothing solid in sight. Turn over for clients Iíve earned as far as their rentals go is slow with yearly leases and even if they own multiple rentals there is still a lapse. Plus I had a heat stroke not too long ago and was suffering from severe exhaustion. I was so determined to keep working even before recovering (back on site the next day) That the owner of the house (someone I know from elsewhere) told me to go home for the rest of the week and get better and if he found out I was back working he was going to fire me. It hurt my feelings at first but he called almost daily to see how I was doing and if I needed anything. I know he only threatened to fire me because he wanted my attention and to make me understand I needed to rehydrate and rest for a few days. That job went over budget due to the clumsiness and sloppiness of my then partner and it went past the date i projected because i got sick. It sucked. gatoraid is my friend.
It pains me to even consider it but I was a very popular bartender around here before I got married. One of the bars would even put my name on the sign when I was working. I can go bartend in a few places around here. Thing is the bars around here are strictly alcoholic type bars. Maybe a shitty pool table and a tv distracts them from the marathon of liver abuse the regulars partake in with the loyalty and fervor of a zealot. I will become even more depressed if I have to go watch said display nightly. Though Ill be able to provide better for my children. My company will also suffer because there is a standard I will keep as far as the involvement with my children in concerned. Im not sure if the extra money is even worth losing our story time before bed. Im not sure about anything leave I am failing.
As a mother I have to keep a three bedroom house in a good neighborhood. I have to buy the healthier more expensive food. I have to maintain electricity and internet access and water and my car due to my company and I am in debt on every one of these thingsÖnot just a little either. People who do far less quality work than I do are living much better than me and mine and yet I havenít gained the comfort level to be able to ďimposeĒ or not take on more than I need to for others. I like to think that some of it is ethics, some is generosity, a high standard of service I want to provide and some is being the change I wish to see and other such non paying ideals, but I think I might be a bit retarded and have some worth issues.
And I know that what ever position Iím in, I put myself here and aside from a few people who took advantage of my eagerness to please, fucked up my materials or pretty much stole from me, I have no one to blame but me. But even I let those people do what they did to me. I should have been smarter and less trusting. The starting point and ending point is me.
Something needs to change, I need to change but I know me. Iím no actress, I hate talking money, I am very hard on myself when it comes to my work quality and Im also very demanding on myself as far as what I want to give my children and secondly those I deal with. I think my best option is to find a business partner who is more business and money minded and Ive tried that twice and suffered dearly due to my choices. I donít know what to do. My body aches, my spirit is thin and colorless, my rewards few and my options quite specific and/or depressing.
Plus Iím alone.
And none of this is self pity, because I am angry with myself, this is my self deprecating thing, I usually keep it in my head (Im kinda mean to me when I an unsatisfied with my performance) but needed some hot vent action. I guess Ill go masturbate now. Iím pretty good at it and the rewards and gratification almost instantaneous. I know Im rambling, Im out of my head tired right now. I almost feel drunk. Onward and upwards.
while the orchestra breathes fitfully
I didnít get around in my ďabout new orleansĒ thread to talk about the great things about the city. Its really is yin and yang and for all of itís dark it has a glorious light. To have sat in its light is a privilege. It will come back, in fact it is still there, its just a little broken. |
This is my new Orleans, not just the shallowness of the images and writing, but the secret things they say.
I was glad to see a few that stayed carried on with the southern decadence parade. Good to see laughter in its streets.
If I didnít have children Iíd be on my way back home. That city held me when I had a loneliness very few can understand; Iíd like to hold it for a bit now.
Iíve been called everything from heartless to unicorn hearted these last few days, asked to show my tits while I was bleeding, I do aim to please.
thatís my homage, I put it in a place where it wont draw attention and the scar will melt in with my well lined hands.
It is homage to New Orleans, it is homage to myself
Kenaz: (K: Beacon or torch.) Vision, revelation, knowledge, creativity, inspiration, technical ability. Vital fire of life, harnessed power, fire of transformation and regeneration. The power of light. Open to new strength, energy, and power now. Passion, sexual love.
Kenaz Reversed or Merkstave: Disease, breakup, instability, lack of creativity. Nakedness, exposure, loss of illusion and false hope.
Iíve deleted all of my messengers, my computer is about to become strictly for work. Iím going to stop pretending like Iíve made any kind of true connection with anyone here, it has been proven over and over again that is just laughable and Iím a fool. I should do a better job of investing myself constructively.
I used to have a tradition when I was leaving somewhere of playing this song as I left. Iíve left lots of places. The difference between this time and every other time Iíve ďleftĒ the asylum is Iím not drunk nor am I enraged. It was always nice to get the phone calls, emails and pms asking or begging me to stay, but honestly, any body who may consider doing it, please donít. Iím really no loss and truthfully Iím too far-gone.
I have nothing left to offer, too much goes out and too little comes back.
I can still hear my tape deck.
Goodbye stranger itís been nice
Hope you find your paradise
Tried to see your point of view
Hope your dreams will all come true
Goodbye mary, goodbye jane
Will we ever meet again
Feel no sorrow, feel no shame
Come tomorrow, feel no pain
Now some they do and some they donít
And some you just canít tell
And some they will and some they wonít
With some itís just as well
You can laugh at my behavior
Thatíll never bother me
Say the devil is my savior
But I donít pay no heed
And I will go on shining
Shining like brand new
Iíll never look behind me
My troubles will be few
Goodbye stranger itís been
Iím currently mourning the destruction of one of the few beautiful memories I had a child.|
Not only has it been destroyed by nature in large part but also now it has been diminished into political fodder, and it seems the media and the same old people are about to turn it into a racist thing. The faces and stories of itís suffering turned into entertainment. Real life misfortunes played out via mpegs and snap shots so idle people can sit and ooo and ahh and offer their ďnoble and generous heart-felt political opinionsĒ. The boy who cried wolf and chicken little in an anal fuck fest and fisting orgy, using the flood victims their lube.
So much is lost.
I am so tired of the media, I am so tired of the talking heads, I am so tired of the political bullshit, Iím so tired of the politicians, the special interest fucks like al sharpton, Iím so tired of the shallow self serving arguments, Iím so tired of the soap opera soapbox circle jerk faux intellectualism, people who value nothing, honor nothing leave what serves them alone and their comfort smugly shitting on people who do.
And the cherry: I was afforded more respect from someone I considered an enemy for years via a few pms, than I was from someone I consider a friend on the forum today. Iím not even sure what that is supposed to mean on the merits.
I almost don't fucking care.
My body soul and spirit are tired. My constant battle trying to not become a misanthrope, trying to see the beauty in everything needs a boost. My reserves are empty. Iím depressed, angry, disgusted and disappointed. Iím tired of being strong, Iím tired of being the one who always has to fix things, Iím tired of feeling responsible for everyone around me, Im tired of working ridiculous hours and many of times not even for my or my childrenís benefit-leave knowing people are pleased and needed me, Iím tired of doing the things I do and sometimes not afforded minor courtesy...but it is who Iíll always be, It is what Iíll always do. But I am tired, so very fucking tired.
I need to rest and I have no where to sleep.
i want to take a razor and cut off my hair.|
sometimes I want to turn around with the voice of a banshee and say" what he fuck do you know." or "what do you mean you love me, you cant even see me mother fuckers, no you love what I do for you." or just some time, in a whisper, inside my head, I want to say shut up shut up shut up" some times I just want to say good bye. all of the time, i know, I am my imprint, I am not as important as what I leave behind, my footprint. fuck me for ever being selfish. fuck me fuck me fuck me nbjnnhjnhbg hbgnnhbjnjhbnmjhmmjhmjnhmjnhbmjnknmjh fuck me. Ill suffer it all, because of what i deserve and because of what is important.
and though my face is twisted, and Im right now blubbering and snotting like a weak idiotic moronic infant, I say bring it you fuck. Im noting compared to what I should be, and I have work to do. Get out of the fucking way, Iím on my knees only temporarily.
Give me Christ or give me Hiroshima.
Happy and sad, I'm here with my thoughts of you.|
To explore your body in Spring.
To lie there, drunk on you.
So far away, but I'll wait to steal precious moments.
When you are before me, may I be so bold to ask that you...
Give me your mouth, trace my lips with your fingers, let me suck them, getting my mouth ready for your beautiful cock.
Let me hold the back of your head, as you bury your face between my legs... as I writhe and curse and my hips react needfully. The lovely aching, wave after wave. God sweet lover, push into me.
My fingers on your neck, your tender strong reactive neck, the smell there leaves me intoxicated.
Your phantom has teased me for so long with out even trying in the wake of your memory, leaving me to quench my yearning in shadowy corners by my own hands as my legs buckled and my mind fixated on you trying to recall your smell, your voice, your lovely fuck. How I plead. Finally to touch you. Every second I touch you, an orgasm in some way. To slide my mouth up and down your most private places, my tits on your thighs, my hands fevered soaking in every curve. Your fingers, your tongue, wouldnít have a more grateful whore. So eager to please you, so appreciative of you.
Building for your touch for so long, if you just laid still and let me rub my naked breasts and legs on you, while I tried to put every part of you in my mouth and memorize the tastes, you'd still be a god to me. Though my sounds shameful, my words that of Babylon, my hunger that of a starving child I'll lay patiently at your feet till you'll have me.
My hips beg to move with you, not wanting you to go away, my tongue begs to savor you, not wanting to forget your taste, my breasts heave for you and my lips swell, surely the moon has no such influence on the ocean as you have on me.
I want to quiver beneath you, I beg for any part of you, to drink your cum like a predator on prey after winter's slumber.
To hold your cock in my mouth, to taste your release, to kiss you with it fresh in my mouth, to bury my face in every stinking forbidden part of you, these are the warmths in my winter of now.
Between my teeth, Iíll hold the most delicate pieces of you, my tongue bringing you ease, my hands bringing you comfort, my eyes reflecting the vision I have of you. My tongue on your tips, my hands guide your wrists, my mouth, my motion my momentum assures you again, I am your eager grateful whore.
My fingers an ever-present catalyst to my mouth letting me taste what you do to me.
When I have you under me, and I spill my lust on top of you, while it runs down your cock as you impale me, between and over your balls, let me suck your tongue, after let me clean myself from between your legs with my mouth. A prize that I have dreamt of for so so long. Know there is nowhere Iíd rather be at that moment as I rise and fall on top on you. Iím so hungry for you: for your mouth, for your tongue, for your cum on my tongue, on my breasts, on my ass and yes for your smile, and your laugh and satisfaction.
Let me please you.
Put your hands on my hips and pull me down on you, impale me, fuck me, feed me your cum...Iím starving for you, no one has wanted you more. Iíll drink every last drop of you and when itís over Iíll mourn till I taste you again.
On my knees I tremble - in anticipation of you, come to me soon.
Even just to laugh with me, come to me soon.
Originally posted by euphorbia
i had some fucked up dream the other night that i was cooking, and it was for splat something he really wanted to eat, and in the casserole dish in front of me were four newly born puppies...this is what he really really wanted to eat.
The puppies had never eaten, taken straight from their mother and their mouths stayed open as they took in their breaths shallowly but with great effort. my son was in the kitchen, singing or talking/making noise and one of the puppies kept picking its head up and looking over to him.
i picked up the phone and called splat, told him that this was really fucking me up, i couldnít do it i wasnít strong enough, how was it worth it?
he laughed at me and made me feel guilty for every other animal i had ever eaten and said it was no different. they probably all died just as horribly.
I hung up the phone, looked down at the puppies and for some reason thought i could offer them quick death in the microwave.
I put the puppies in the microwave, then turned my back and made a great effort not to think about it, busied my mind by hitting my hand on the counter and singing a song loudly. the timer went off, at this point i was extremely bitter that splat was asking me to cook this, and angry for myself for doing it.
when i pulled the puppies out, one was still alive, the one that kept looking at my little boy. i knew it was suffering so i pried its head off quickly with a fork and put its head in my mouth as to punish myself. I spit it out into the sink after a bit and thatís the end of the dream.
Dog medicine, loyalty and unconditional love.
This dream is about my marriage.
The dog looking up at my son, and it being the one still alive after I microwave it signified my relationship to my children and my husband and my want for family. Most everything else in the dream represents how i deny or try and block out my emotions and myself, concerning my husband in an effort to keep my family together. The puppies that had never nursed = my lack of family, "every other animal id eaten" = every other boyfriend I'd had /no different. Just deal with it, its my truth, probably my short comings my children having a whole family was worth anything i disliked, stop being selfish and wanton, you died when you had children...Nothing is about you anymore. right? But in the end, are they served?
Me chopping the puppies head off with the fork represents my selfish want to be free.
I know there is no knight for me, no communion, no true love no magical connection to be made no person like that exists for me, ive figured that for a loong time, surely and if they did Iím old and damaged now and above all else my children take priority, so instead of being grateful that a wonderful man loves me dearly and gave be two beautiful children, I am constantly aware of our failing relationship, our incompatibilities our seemingly non existent ability to work together or seeing things similarly and inability to bring out the best in each other.
we donít fight, or call each other names nor are we contemptful or hateful to each other, in fact he is very loving and tried very hard to express to me how much he loves me, but about 2 years of a very unhappy marriage for me, my efforts to make him happy (things like giving him oral sex when he was stressed out or down, cooking nice food for him, he complained it was too much food on his plate etc) while he stayed dissatisfied, when I had his children in my belly and he hardly ever had a word, or a comforting smile, or a loving touch for me leave when he wanted to fuck and honestly I never recovered from it, it took things out of me that wont and cant ever be put back. and i do care very much for him, he is one of the best people ive ever known (though i dont think im cut out to be his wife) but It took me having an affair for him to be loving to me, or to express it again (by the way, the whole open marriage thing was a flop, props to those who told me it would be, but thats how desperate i was to not have to live with an unhappy miserable person, i thought that freedom would do it for him...he never took advantage of it, but I did) more like he was when we met, rather than what he turned into when I got pregnant.
I am often irresponsible, so eager to laugh and have those around me laugh as well at the expense of adult like things that should take priority, he is pessimistic and blows things out of proportion we arenít a good match, we donít bring out the best in each other, sometimes our marriage just seems like a sarcastic joke. He deserves someone more like him, someone who stresses him out less, makes him less miserable and pessimistic, and I need someone who brings out the best in me, or can enjoy life with me or I need to be alone.
The title of that dream should be ďdivorce is loomingĒ
Why all this? Because something I was really looking forward to (building the house), something that made me forget that my marriage was failing, something that could have made life more bright and fun to live keeping s smiling as a family a little longer, one of the few things I had to look forward to is about to be destroyed at my husbands request due to his doubts and pessimistic outlook.(he wants to get out of the contract) It was a patch, but it made things better for a while. Now I'm back where I was. That will learn me.
to be honest, the school there is probably going to suck and Id have had to pull him out and put him in private school anyway, and the drive would have been bad...find the bright side find the bright side find the bright side find the bright side find the bright side find the bright side.
Ms. Fucking brightside reporting for duty.
Im marketing director now for the team, yay or something,|
my daughter turned four on sat, my son is starting school in sept, they are building my house
Im the agent on this house:
if you know anyone who wants a deep water access, all brick house built last year in chesapeake va tell em its $597, 900, bring a solid letter.
and I need help with this,
which is is better? for my card and marketing material?
or should I dump both and try again?
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