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euphormisms
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I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately, I pretty much collapsed at about 7 tonight and just got woken up by this dream.
There were some old men standing by a gate or something, made of brick. In front of a trailer. Rizz and vyper’s trailer. I didn’t see them in this dream but I knew they were in there. The old men wanted the fence gone so they used some dynamite. I was on the opposite side of the fence as the old men. Through the explosion I saw the old men’s dog come flying through (the dog was mugtoe’s dog, the german shep, sarah) one of the old men may have been oxsan I’m not sure), it some how got caught up in the explosion it yelped, let out its pain chirp and fell to the ground with a thud. My sadness started coming from me like needles through my skin as I walked/ran/floated over with my palms to it like I was trying to push it away, push away what I was seeing, (rebuking evicting, exorcising) as I moved toward it saying “no no no no no” which is my reaction to such things in real life (animals getting hit by cars, children hurting themselves, hating what I see but going to make it better, change it, exchange it for something better), and everything in this dream felt just as real.
The dog was missing its hind leg, and had a red/black puncture in its side. It pushed him self in a half circle with it’s other hind leg trying to move away from the pain, then it managed to stand and limp a few steps before it started shitting out it’s intestines…it tried to get away from that wrongness as well. And the men tried to comfort the dog saying "it will be alright boy" and such, bent over, hands on their knees. Just then I became that dog.
The sting of my missing leg burned skin and puncture wound came initially, I became aware of them first but it faded as the over whelming feeling of my body trying to expel everything, gagging fully trying to evacuate itself. I vomited and shat everything in me out, all of my organs. My heart, my stomach, my lungs everything in a grim trail behind me. At the end of the trail I sat just an empty shell with eyes and a brain so I could look at it all and know. But I felt ok, empty was good. I was content. My shell stung, but I was happy, hollow was better. And I sat there watching, no longer in the form of the dog, but that of myself; a naked vacant woman comfortable and content as I waited to die. I was aware of my consciousness flickering and remembered smiling.
Rizz and vyper’s trailer is significant I think because they were the first two people I met in real life away from the asylum, it may have been rizz and paintchip but that was brief and I was tending to one baby and about 8 months pregnant with another. Vyper and rizz weren’t in the dream but were there to represent symbolically the asylum I think.
Dog medicine is the medicine of loyalty, allegiance, the protector, service to others and self truths. This is the end of my fourth day not smoking and I am trying to rid myself of other bad habits as well. I guess that’s what this dream was about along with a few other things I don’t care to discuss concerning the asylum, myself and self truths.
I haven’t been seeing colors lately when I hear music, words don’t have smells...things are getting less magical everyday. maybe I’m growing up, losing some passion, losing my magic, losing my colors and starting to fade in to something more...I dunno, just something I guess.
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Bullet issue resolved.
still havent smoked a cigarette.
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I broke my bullet today, limiting my masturbation sessions today to one. I feel we have been through a lot together and it deserves a proper burial.
I shall miss him and he wont be easily replaced...the sex shop is all the way across town.
On top of that, this is my second day quitting smoking. It's almost dinner time day two an I havent had a cigarette.
I really want to masturbate really really bad but my only alternative is this horrible pink dildo I bought that is somewhere under my bed collecting dust. I dont care to penitrate myself with plalic objects unless they are attached to a man, external stimulation is beautiful and something I can enjoy alone.
Rest in peace my shiny little friend, Ill miss you...until I get home from the sex shop. *looks at Day Timer*
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