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dogs divorce & damnation
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quote:
Originally posted by euphorbia
i had some fucked up dream the other night that i was cooking, and it was for splat something he really wanted to eat, and in the casserole dish in front of me were four newly born puppies...this is what he really really wanted to eat.
The puppies had never eaten, taken straight from their mother and their mouths stayed open as they took in their breaths shallowly but with great effort. my son was in the kitchen, singing or talking/making noise and one of the puppies kept picking its head up and looking over to him.
i picked up the phone and called splat, told him that this was really fucking me up, i couldn’t do it i wasn’t strong enough, how was it worth it?
he laughed at me and made me feel guilty for every other animal i had ever eaten and said it was no different. they probably all died just as horribly.
I hung up the phone, looked down at the puppies and for some reason thought i could offer them quick death in the microwave.
I put the puppies in the microwave, then turned my back and made a great effort not to think about it, busied my mind by hitting my hand on the counter and singing a song loudly. the timer went off, at this point i was extremely bitter that splat was asking me to cook this, and angry for myself for doing it.
when i pulled the puppies out, one was still alive, the one that kept looking at my little boy. i knew it was suffering so i pried its head off quickly with a fork and put its head in my mouth as to punish myself. I spit it out into the sink after a bit and that’s the end of the dream.
Interpretation:
Dog medicine, loyalty and unconditional love.
This dream is about my marriage.
The dog looking up at my son, and it being the one still alive after I microwave it signified my relationship to my children and my husband and my want for family. Most everything else in the dream represents how i deny or try and block out my emotions and myself, concerning my husband in an effort to keep my family together. The puppies that had never nursed = my lack of family, "every other animal id eaten" = every other boyfriend I'd had /no different. Just deal with it, its my truth, probably my short comings my children having a whole family was worth anything i disliked, stop being selfish and wanton, you died when you had children...Nothing is about you anymore. right? But in the end, are they served?
Me chopping the puppies head off with the fork represents my selfish want to be free.
I know there is no knight for me, no communion, no true love no magical connection to be made no person like that exists for me, ive figured that for a loong time, surely and if they did I’m old and damaged now and above all else my children take priority, so instead of being grateful that a wonderful man loves me dearly and gave be two beautiful children, I am constantly aware of our failing relationship, our incompatibilities our seemingly non existent ability to work together or seeing things similarly and inability to bring out the best in each other.
we don’t fight, or call each other names nor are we contemptful or hateful to each other, in fact he is very loving and tried very hard to express to me how much he loves me, but about 2 years of a very unhappy marriage for me, my efforts to make him happy (things like giving him oral sex when he was stressed out or down, cooking nice food for him, he complained it was too much food on his plate etc) while he stayed dissatisfied, when I had his children in my belly and he hardly ever had a word, or a comforting smile, or a loving touch for me leave when he wanted to fuck and honestly I never recovered from it, it took things out of me that wont and cant ever be put back. and i do care very much for him, he is one of the best people ive ever known (though i dont think im cut out to be his wife) but It took me having an affair for him to be loving to me, or to express it again (by the way, the whole open marriage thing was a flop, props to those who told me it would be, but thats how desperate i was to not have to live with an unhappy miserable person, i thought that freedom would do it for him...he never took advantage of it, but I did) more like he was when we met, rather than what he turned into when I got pregnant.
I am often irresponsible, so eager to laugh and have those around me laugh as well at the expense of adult like things that should take priority, he is pessimistic and blows things out of proportion we aren’t a good match, we don’t bring out the best in each other, sometimes our marriage just seems like a sarcastic joke. He deserves someone more like him, someone who stresses him out less, makes him less miserable and pessimistic, and I need someone who brings out the best in me, or can enjoy life with me or I need to be alone.
The title of that dream should be “divorce is looming”
Why all this? Because something I was really looking forward to (building the house), something that made me forget that my marriage was failing, something that could have made life more bright and fun to live keeping s smiling as a family a little longer, one of the few things I had to look forward to is about to be destroyed at my husbands request due to his doubts and pessimistic outlook.(he wants to get out of the contract) It was a patch, but it made things better for a while. Now I'm back where I was. That will learn me.
to be honest, the school there is probably going to suck and Id have had to pull him out and put him in private school anyway, and the drive would have been bad...find the bright side find the bright side find the bright side find the bright side find the bright side find the bright side.
Ms. Fucking brightside reporting for duty.
sir.
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