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Music of the spheres
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disclaimer: This is a vent session where I am being selfdepricating, the only thing it offers is that the punchline is me.
I haven’t slept since 10 last night, Im super stressed and overwhelmed and alone and frustrated blah blah.. and everything around me seems to be echoing, leaving a metallic smell that gives it a bit of a coldness that breathes and colors everything a dingy yellow. No one is here but me and my body still aches from the last job I just finished. My hands feel like they have been stomped on repeatedly.
I’m eating a lot of shit, so other people don’t have to, taking away their stress and piling it on myself. Im also cleaning up other peoples messes and doing damage control. Yeah they all love me, ole shante will take care of it. Their love stops short of the ability to see that it is all killing me. A good deal of it is due to the fact that I am trying to make everything all very easy for just about everyone Im connected to including my ex-husband who stayed in the house we bought and has taken on the burden of that mortgage. I wasn’t going to fight over the house even though I have the kids through the week, plus I didn’t push the child support issue because I know he is strained and I dont want to be a source of misery to him. he is a good guy and maintaining a good relationship with him for my children trumps everything else. I ask him for help when it is absolutely necessary and pay him back when I can, but now I’m in a place where everything has come down at once and I know it isn’t with in his ability to help me. Im going to have to come up with some major hat trick.
I started my company so I could work my own hours, working around caring for my children.I have gone to work after putting them to bed and worked till it was time for them to wake up. I do that often in an effort to do what I said I was going to do for people while still being there for my children. Being a woman in this business also demands that in the beginning I bid very low, earn my merit with each client then I put myself in a position to bid like the men do. I don’t really blame people for not expecting much when I approach them and tell them what I do and I don’t mind proving my worth. Thing is that is all I’ve been doing, the money has been shit and my last partner was a fucking albatross. Financially I am deeply in debt and between projects with nothing solid in sight. Turn over for clients I’ve earned as far as their rentals go is slow with yearly leases and even if they own multiple rentals there is still a lapse. Plus I had a heat stroke not too long ago and was suffering from severe exhaustion. I was so determined to keep working even before recovering (back on site the next day) That the owner of the house (someone I know from elsewhere) told me to go home for the rest of the week and get better and if he found out I was back working he was going to fire me. It hurt my feelings at first but he called almost daily to see how I was doing and if I needed anything. I know he only threatened to fire me because he wanted my attention and to make me understand I needed to rehydrate and rest for a few days. That job went over budget due to the clumsiness and sloppiness of my then partner and it went past the date i projected because i got sick. It sucked. gatoraid is my friend.
It pains me to even consider it but I was a very popular bartender around here before I got married. One of the bars would even put my name on the sign when I was working. I can go bartend in a few places around here. Thing is the bars around here are strictly alcoholic type bars. Maybe a shitty pool table and a tv distracts them from the marathon of liver abuse the regulars partake in with the loyalty and fervor of a zealot. I will become even more depressed if I have to go watch said display nightly. Though Ill be able to provide better for my children. My company will also suffer because there is a standard I will keep as far as the involvement with my children in concerned. Im not sure if the extra money is even worth losing our story time before bed. Im not sure about anything leave I am failing.
As a mother I have to keep a three bedroom house in a good neighborhood. I have to buy the healthier more expensive food. I have to maintain electricity and internet access and water and my car due to my company and I am in debt on every one of these things…not just a little either. People who do far less quality work than I do are living much better than me and mine and yet I haven’t gained the comfort level to be able to “impose” or not take on more than I need to for others. I like to think that some of it is ethics, some is generosity, a high standard of service I want to provide and some is being the change I wish to see and other such non paying ideals, but I think I might be a bit retarded and have some worth issues.
And I know that what ever position I’m in, I put myself here and aside from a few people who took advantage of my eagerness to please, fucked up my materials or pretty much stole from me, I have no one to blame but me. But even I let those people do what they did to me. I should have been smarter and less trusting. The starting point and ending point is me.
Something needs to change, I need to change but I know me. I’m no actress, I hate talking money, I am very hard on myself when it comes to my work quality and Im also very demanding on myself as far as what I want to give my children and secondly those I deal with. I think my best option is to find a business partner who is more business and money minded and Ive tried that twice and suffered dearly due to my choices. I don’t know what to do. My body aches, my spirit is thin and colorless, my rewards few and my options quite specific and/or depressing.
Plus I’m alone.
And none of this is self pity, because I am angry with myself, this is my self deprecating thing, I usually keep it in my head (Im kinda mean to me when I an unsatisfied with my performance) but needed some hot vent action. I guess Ill go masturbate now. I’m pretty good at it and the rewards and gratification almost instantaneous. I know Im rambling, Im out of my head tired right now. I almost feel drunk. Onward and upwards.
while the orchestra breathes fitfully
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