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J E B Stuart
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 (ROOTERS ## Beaver Meadows, NY) An Asylumnation benefit Christmas play and musical for elderly residents of Sunset Acres Resthome was canceled following a power outage midway through the performance early Tuesday evening. Various law enforcement and emergency medical personnel, responding to numerous 911 calls, were greeted with chaos and pandemonium as they arrived at the scene.
 The cast for the production was headlined by Geoffrey "MstrG" Tarwaters as "Joseph" and Josephine "Missjo" Prather as "Mary". Also making his first appearance was Jackie "Roshigoth" Colby as the little baby Jeebus in the manger.
Though details were initially sketchy, nurse aides indicated the trouble began when the power went out during the nativity scene. Anonymous sources also reported that as the evening progressed, Tarwaters had developed an obvious fixation upon certain remarkably abundant features of Prather's anatomy. Apparently, the opportunity created by the blackout, which lasted no more than 15 seconds, overwhelmed Tarwater's self-restraint.
Unfortunately for Tarwaters, however, it turned out that Prather suffers from nyctophobia, an abnormal fear of darkness.
When the power went out, Prather panicked and immediately crawled under the manger. Simultaneously, Colby, who had been lying nude on his stomach throughout the production because his swadling costume had been lost in transit, raised up on all fours. As he did, his hindquarters and nether region were immediately immobilized by an unseeable, but brutishly strong and hairy force.
The lights flickered back on to reveal a scene that one outraged observer described as "an abominable abomination!" Panicked and bewildered residents scattered as they attempted to flee the premises. Walkers and wheelchairs were haphazardly strewn about in a half-block radius around the facility, due to their owners being transported to the hospital for treatment of a variety of complaints.
"I couldn't budge!" Colby said later. "I felt an unbearably scratchy and prickly sensation, like sandpaper, y'know? And I heard what sounded like muffled raspberry and num-num noises. I was stunned. Shocked and stunned. Ummm, by the way, does this mean I'm not a virgin anymore?"
Tarwaters refused comment.
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 (ROOTERS - Jiggs, NV) Herkimer Eugene McGinty, ostensibly of Evening Shade Resthome in Winslow, Arizona, was arrested early Sunday south of Elko, Nevada after an area rancher, who requested anonymity, notified local authorities complaining of a man disturbing the peace in his mule barn. Alert Asylumnation reporters overheard the dispatch on the scanner and followed an Elko County deputy to the scene. Upon arrival, Mr. McGinty, who goes by numerous aliases including "wonderaz" and "jackass", was standing in the rancher's corral, holding what appeared to be a very small, green man in his fingers.
Questioning revealed that McGinty claimed he had just removed a "little green man from Mars" from his brain. "It must've happened while I was on my space flight for the government of Djibouti," he said. "I remember passing out, then waking up with this awful headache. Fact is, the more I think about it, the more inclined I am to believe that these aliens have been coming and going in my brain pretty much as they damn well pleased, for many, many years. If this is true, and I'm convinced it is, that sure explains a helluva lot. Those voices in my head were about to drive me nuts."
McGinty evaded inquiries as to how he managed to extract something like that from his brain, but when the deputy frisked him, a set of still-moist needlenose pliars was discovered in a pocket in his trousers. The pliars, along with "the little green man", were sent to the crime lab in Carson City for testing.
After an initial appearance before a local magistrate, McGinty was ordered transported to Las Vegas for psychiatric observation and evaluation. He slipped away while his custodian was making a "rest stop" at Fluffy's Bar and Brothel. Asylumnation sources report he was later spotted in Rachel, Nevada, asking directions to Area 51.
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(ROOTERS ## Baghdad, Iraq) Apparently taking a que from Osama Bin Laden's recent video pronouncement broadcasted by Al Jazeera, Saddam Hussein vowed the Iraqi people will stand defiant against the infidels with a series of relentless and increasingly "spectacular" mullets. Hussein delivered his latest forceful speech on state-run Iraqi television on the eve of the arrival of the latest crew of U.N. inspectors.
Sporting his own spectacular mulletized coif, the Iraqi dictator was, at times, barely intelligible. His cheeks appeared stuffed and he repeatedly paused to spit into the cupped hands of Tariq Aziz, Iraq Deputy Prime Minister. Observers speculated on the identity of the unknown substance, but all official channels remained silent. Local barbers were soon swamped, however, by hordes of jubilant and defiant men waiting in line for their turn at a mullet-do. Despite the crowds, the mood was quite festive as "Sweet Home Alibaba", the new Iraqi hit single by Qusay Hussein, blared repeatedly over loudspeakers placed on top of hundreds of buildings in cities throughout the country.
While the international community reeled in shock and disbelief as the bizarre and puzzling tirade unfolded, the award-winning team of Asylumnation crack reporters confirmed the successful completion of a stunning triple double top-secret undercover covert special operations mission. As was reported earlier in Asylumnation's fabled Lost Forum, a long-time poster and humourist known to members as "Mugtoe" recently embarked upon a pleasure trip to London, U.K. It turned out, however, this was just a clever ruse to provide cover for his insertion into Baghdad. Asylumnation also discovered that "Mugtoe" is, in fact, an alias for none other than Frank "Three Dollar" Williams, storied lawman and Texas Ranger.
Asylumnation tracked down Ranger Williams at an undisclosed location somewhere in Minnesota to inquire why the White House would send only one man, let alone a Texas Ranger, on such an incredibly dangerous international mission. "Well, it's like this," drawled Williams, "One dictator, one Ranger. That's all it takes and I doggone sure know plenty 'bout dick 'n' taters."
Known as a master of disguise, "Three Dollar", as he is affectionately called by his close friends, went on to explain how he essentially neutralized the Iraqi threat by seizing control of the tyrant's mind. "They, being middle easterners, can deny it all they want, but when it gets down to the nut-cuttin', there's two things they cannot resist, which is, fresh dip and Skynyrd. It's like camel jockey catnip. And everything else ## the mullets, coon dogs, pickup trucks, etc. ## they all inevitably follow from those two things. Hell, all it takes is just a pinch, but when I slipped a little pinch to that crazy Saddam he went nutsy. No pinch for him. Nosiree. He packed his lips and cheeks full and keeps 'em crammed full. Never seen anything like it."
The interview abruptly terminated when Williams received a call from someone he called "Condo".
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(ROOTERS ## Cuckoo. VA) Disease investigators tried Wednesday to track down the source of a bizarre contagion tentatively dubbed the "boobonic plague" that apparently caused a British citizen and Virginia woman to sprout gargantuan breasts. Health officials believe they became infected as a result of eating wild mushrooms obtained in a foraging expedition in the woods outside Cuckoo, Virginia, said Grant Sligert, a spokesman for the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
The man and woman showed up at two different hospitals Tuesday, complaining of severe back pain and swelling bosom. They were given antibiotics and administered enemas every hour on the hour as a precautionary measure, though doctors remain baffled.
Health officials on Thursday repeated their assertion that the public is not in danger, but issued a strong cautionary statement against the consumption of any and all mushrooms until such time as more tests can be completed.
Asylumnation reporters attempted to speak by telephone with the U.K. victim, Chauncey Quimbish, but were told to "bugger off!" before he slammed the receiver down. Anonymous sources revealed, however, that Quimbish is C.E.O. of "Smug Git Ministries, Ltd.", currently under investigation by Interpol for running numerous pyramid money schemes fronted by a weekly gospel hour carried by numerous cable television providers.
Penelope U. Forbea, who would only allow that she resided in Virginia, was more forthcoming. "Frankly, I'd been thinking about getting me some store-bought knockers. I was hoping this might turn out to be a blessing in disguise but, instead, it's been a holy nightmare. They're still growing!" She paused, then added, "On second thought, though, my hubbie can't seem to keep his hands off me now. That little stinker!"
In yet another exclusive, Asylumnation hackers obtained an image of one of the victims from her medical database.
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(ROOTERS ## Kermit, TX) A joint RV roundup and jamboree sponsored by the AARP (American Association Of Retired Persons) and VFW (Veterans Of Foreign Wars) ended on a sour note late Saturday evening. Josephine Prather, known to her affectionate fans as "Missjo", reported the forcible theft of "La Maison de Whoppers Rouge", her reportedly one-of-a-kind brassiere. Missjo is a traveling Australian exotic poetry performer and semi-mime, currently on her first world tour entitled "Cornucopia". Sources say she had just returned to her trailer after a rousing encore performance of "Desiderata", which she sang to the tune of Stephen Fosters', "De Camptown Races".
A Sheriff's sketch artist was able to draw a composite of the suspect based upon information provided by Prather, as well as several other vendors in the vicinity who reported several instances of food and beverage larceny by a lone, unwashed man with blood-shot eyes and remarkably bad breath. Based upon the sketch, authorities have issued an all-points-bulletin for an elderly vagrant matching the description of a Herkimer Eugene McGinty. McGinty reportedly walked away from the Evening Shade Resthome in Winslow, Arizona several weeks ago. Since then, he has been spotted at various locales on the coast and as far way as Djibouti.
"I had just undressed after drawing myself a nice, warm bath, when I turned around and saw this horrible, unkempt man leering at himself in my full-length mirror! He'd already put on my prized possession and, even though I didn't have a stitch of clothing on, I beaned him square between the eyes with the first thing I could grab, which was a bar of soap. Other than crossing his eyes, though, it didn't seem to faze him, as he just made a loud grunting noise and crashed through the side window. Oh, and I might add, the lingering stench he left behind was awful. Just awful." said Prather, in an Asylumnation exclusive interview.
McGinty uses several aliases including "Jackass", "Wonderaz" and "Juan De Ruiz". Criminal profile experts have determined that McGinty has had a deep-seated, lifelong obsession with red women's undergarments, especially red brassieres. They are also relatively certain McGinty will most likely be wearing the pilfered item.
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(ROOTERS ## Otisfield, ME) Never let it be said that Bradley Dilbeck Porterstein, up-and-coming Mcdonald's fry cook, lacks ambition. In a stunning shakeup in the corporate world of McDonald's, it was announced that Porterstein was being promoted from the french fry vats to the sesame seed bun warmer.
"It's not really about the money," said Porterstein, whose hard efforts were recognized with a 12-cent per hour raise in pay. "No, it's all about pride."
He continued, "I mean, I asked myself if I really wanted to stay on french fries the rest of my life and I ultimately had to admit the answer was 'no'. True, I had mastered all the secret fry-techniques, but in recent months, the passion just wasn't there. That was when I finally broke down, walked into Sid Talley's, he's my shift-manager, office, shut that door behind me and asserted myself!"
More like "inserted himself", said Clarence Vining, former sesame seed bun warmer technician who was contacted the following day. Vining, summarily demoted after Porterstein's closed-door session, has filed a complaint with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC), charging Porterstein and his shift supervisor with sexual discrimination. "I don't believe for one minute that no-good, lying Porterstein ever really went back into the closet, like he says he did. Fact is, he's the most brazen brown-noser I've ever seen. You don't believe me, just take one look at him! It's written all over his face. He just literally sucked up to the bossman and before I knew what hit me, WHAM! I'm dunkin' french fry baskets," he said.
Asylumnation reporters attempted to contact Porterstein and Talley for a response to Vining's accusations, but were advised they were attending a "career enrichment seminar" for the remainder of the week, reportedly at an out-of-town Motel 6.
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(ROOTERS ## Bible Hill, TN) Bradley Dilbeck Porterstein, itinerant internet forum poster writing in cyberspace under various pseudonyms including Paint CHiPs and RumP RanGeR, hastily called a secret press conference this afternoon to announce he was dropping his bid to "come out of the closet".
"Like, I thought it was something I just had to do. After all, I am a Libertarian, you know? But, I've concluded I have a great many issues to resolve before ever considering coming out again in the future. You know? Frankly, man, I was so not prepared for the avalanche of attention that followed the announcement of my previous decision," said Porterstein.
It may turn out there is, in fact, a physiological catalyst for the "avalanche" complained of by the young man. Informed sources disclosed that medical tests, conducted during Porterstein's alum therapy sessions to correct a grossly distended sphincter, detected abnormally high levels of certain complex and astonishingly potent pheromones. For reasons not yet explained, speculation is these pheromones triggered the hot, maniacal pursuits of Porterstein by numerous male suitors, apparently succumbing to an irresistable spell cast by the exceedlingly pungent and powerful excretions.
When asked about it, Porterstein replied, "All I know is that I'm tired of running. They've worn me out. And that thing with that monster Limey just about did me in." Porterstein's mention of the "Limey" was in reference to what has since become known as the Philadelphia Incident, which is still under investigation.
The interview abruptly terminated when a couple of bikers began clawing and banging on the front door of the secret cabin arranged for the meeting. Porterstein was last seen as he ran screaming into the woods after crashing through a side window.
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(ROOTERS ## Manitou Springs, CO) Longtime Asylumnation member and prolific poster mordecai was injured in a freak accident yesterday while preparing a new routine for his act at Tom's Tom-Tom, a notorious strip joint and hot-spot on the outskirts of Colorado Springs. Randy "mordecai" Nibbits was reportedly filling helium balloons during happy hour while in the midst of preparing the set for his much-hyped and anticipated "Around The World In 80 Ways" routine. Unbeknownst to him, Delbert Shane Chickley, a fellow male dancer, snuck up behind Nibbits and shoved the helium nozzle into the gateway to the dark continent.
Chickley later claimed to police that he intended only a prank; that he thought he was shutting the pressure off when he twisted the valve. Regardless, the effect was immediate. When police and EMS attendants arrived, Nibbits was bobbing against the ceiling, attempting to fend off rapid blows from the ceiling fan blades. After being secured and pulled down with a rope, he had to be duct-taped to the guerney before being placed in the ambulance.
Doctors have since determined that Nibbits helium-saturated tissues pose no long-term health risks. Although it may take weeks, even months, they also believe the gas will eventually pass from his system, eventually restoring Nibbits to his normal proportions. In the meantime, as a safety precaution, he has been outfitted with a lead-weighted loincloth until such time as a suitably fitted and weighted wardrobe can be tailored. JEB Stuart of Asylumnation has started an emergency wardrobe fund for that purpose. Persons interested in donating toward the very large sums needed for the new clothing should obtain cashier's checks and/or money orders made payable to "JEB Stuart", then PM Mr. Stuart for routing and/or mailing instructions.
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(ROOTERS - Djibouti) ## Though details are sketchy at this time, reliable Asylumnation sources report that an American resthome resident may be lost in space. It has been confirmed that Herkimer Eugene McGinty of the Evening Shade facility in Winslow, Arizona wandered away from the facility one evening shortly after having been returned by local deputies on the heels of his previous incarceration for various vagrancy and outraging public decency charges. Mr. McGinty was seen a couple of days later boarding a cargo ship in Houston, Texas destined for various stops in the Indian Ocean and the Red Sea. The ship captain, speaking on condition of anonymity, advised that McGinty was forcibly removed from the vessel at the port in Djibouti, capitol of the Republic of Djibouti, "for the good of the ship".
Djibout affiliates have verified that McGinty, who goes by various names such as "jackass" and "wonderaz", somehow made his way into the headquarters of Djibouti's fledgling space program. A chimpanzee launch was scheduled four days ago, but the animal was found in a coma in its cage, together with a partially unclothed McGinty who was lounging on the floor, smoking a cigarette.
Upon finding the chimpanzee unresponsive, the employee in charge of boarding the animal on the rocket apparently panicked when faced with the prospect of the mission being aborted and bribed McGinty with 500 Djibout francs (approximately $3.00 U.S.) to board the rocket. While the launch was successful, radio contact was lost 12 hours later and technicians have been unable to restore it.
Inquiries to the U.S. Embassy have generated a successive string of "no comment" responses.
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(ROOTERS - Deer Lick, KY) ## A Minnesota fugitive wanted on numerous local, state and federal warrants slipped past armed police guards early Friday morning while in a hospital at an undisclosed Kentucky location. Anonymous sources say that Roberto Quincy "dingle" Johnsonstein, III was hospitalized after emergency room workers witnessed him being shoved from the back of an older Ford Econoline van by unknown men and women yelling and cursing in Spanish. Witnesses failed to get the tag number of the van, but said it had a large airbrush mural of Michael Jackson with "Love Machine" written in bold, hot pink script.
Initially incomprehensible and profusely incontinent, additional ER workers were summoned to subdue Johnsonstein, who reportedly kept his distance from those first on the scene by moon-walking in circles and wildly slinging a soiled canvas bag. Once inside the waiting room, sedation was administered. Despite the sedation, however, restraints were applied when he began frantically screaming, "Guano! Guano! Guano!" while struggling to crawl under the gurney.
When the belongings in his bag were searched in an effort to obtain identification, a hand-written journal was discovered. Authorities were notified shortly thereafter when an alert employee came across information in the journal alluding to several warrants for Johnsontein's arrest.
Asylumnation reporters have acquired an exclusive copy of the journal, together with a roll of film, which has been developed. Though the journal entries are largely unintelligible and possibly in some sort of code, it appears that Johnsonstein and another unidentified man had been consuming malt liquor around the clock for a few days. At some point in the bender, and perhaps acting upon a dare, they embarked upon an expedition to explore "Puffy". Judging from the descriptions provided in the journal, Puffy is apparently a large, wild cavern of unknown location, with vast deposits of guano. The photograph shown here is apparently of Johnsonstein descending into the entrance of Puffy.
It is unknown at this time how Johnsonstein escaped, but an inquiry is under way.
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