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J E B Stuart
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*Mr. Johnsonstein, shortly after his most recent alien rectal probe session*
(ROOTERS--St. Elmo, CO) Roberto Quincy Johnsonstein, III, a/ka in cyber-circles as "dingle", for the past several years has claimed to have been abucted on a weekly basis by aliens and religiously subjected to repeated vigorous rectal probing. A crack team of Asylumnation reporters found him shortly after his return from yet another alleged abduction. Though appearing spent and exhausted, Johnsonstein was curiously spry and refreshed in his manner and speech. The reporters did turn down his repeated offers to personally demonstrate what he referred to as the "alien gift".
Speaking from a secret location due to outstanding warrants on pending charges, all of which he impatiently waives off as "trumped up", Mr. Johnsonstein again became very animated when the subject turned back to his experiences with the "space folk", as he sometimes referred to them. "I'm telling you, I can set my watch by it! When it's time, I usually have a sack of Cheetos for them because those little bastards LOVE Cheetos, and I usually bring a quart of malt liquor. Fact is, I'm on a first name basis with several of the little green buggers!"
When it was pointed out that the scenarios described by him hardly sounded like he was being abducted, Johnsonstein accused the team of being spies from the NSA and threatened to terminate the interview. After a few minutes, however, he accepted the peace offering of a warm six pack of Old Milwaukee and continued, "I can probably verify over 120 separate abduction and probing incidents, although there's no question in my mind that I have endured several hundred. The thing is, the public tends to view of these things with great apprehension. And don't get me wrong . . . they are awful. Just horrible. But, I have a scientific mind, you know, and I've managed to maintain my objectivity and rise above the trauma."
When pressed for details regarding the licensing rumours, Johnsonstein advised he had a "crack team of lawyers" working on it and, hence, could not reveal specifics. He did say, however, that renewed sexual vigor was chief among several benefits he has received from his alien contact. "If my experiences are any indication, I should be able to make Viagra obsolete."
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(ROOTERS--Pawtucket, R.I.) A citation to cease and desist was issued this morning by Federal Magistrate Joseph T. Jablowski, District Court of Rhode Island against a shadowy Minnesota man. Known in various cyber-circles as "dingle", his legal name is Roberto Quincy Johnsonstein, III. Authorities have requested that anyone with information as to his whereabouts contact the closest Federal Marshall's office.
Johnsonstein is alleged to have been attempting to market turds as toys under the name of "Mr. Pootato Head". Hasbro, Inc., owner of the famous "Mr. Potato Head" initiated the action after numerous complaints surfaced from various individuals and consumer groups. Last Saturday, acting upon an anonymous tip, the Sheriff's office in Milwaukee seized several Mr. Pootatos scattered about a clandestine factory situated in an old lavatory in the basement of an abandoned warehouse.
"I am simply amazed that anyone would have the gaul to sell his poop as toys. No. I take that back. I am DISGUSTED, that's what I am," said Ned Durphey of the Sheriff's toxic waste disposal unit. "It's just sick, that's what it is. Sick.", he continued.
The contraband was still warm when seized early Saturday.
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Beeler residents shown wearing "x-ray specs" and other apparatus as they eagerly await the rumoured troll invasion. When asked why the necessity of the specs, the residents chanted in unison, "I'll never tay-yull, I'll never tay-yull...."
(ROOTERS--TURLEY, OK) Residents of Beeler's Sanitorium And Leper Colony are consumed by a new pasttime ## troll-spotting. When pressed with concerns for the safety of his charges, Ned Bender, Beeler administrator, shrugged and replied, "Trolls? Give me a *bleep* break!"
News of secret plans have recently surfaced for troll invasions of either Beeler's or the Korean War Amputees Home in Chadron, NE. Still reeling from humiliating reversals from bungled internet forum invasions, the trolls have been "racking" themselves in a desperate attempt to restore face by searching for more suitable prey.
One such troll, who identified himself only as "Lance", said, "That *bleep* *bleep* Asylumnation is *bleep* nothin' but *bleep* hell. Pure *bleep* hell. I was *bleep* glad to *bleep* get out of there with my *bleep* ass in my *bleep* hand. And *bleep* dude! Those *bleep* Taurus *bleep* geezers were *bleep* hell, too. *bleep* hell. So, *bleep* we just *bleep* about decided to *bleep* can this *bleep* internet *bleep* crap. Instead, we're *bleep* planning a *bleep* midnight *bleep* raid on the *bleep* 'tards at *bleep* Beeler's or maybe even the *bleep* gimps. Like *bleep* , *bleep* mano y *bleep* mano, ya*bleep* know. We *bleep* plan to *bleep* kick some *bleep* serious *bleep* ass. *bleep* rack! We'll *bleep* teach 'em not to *bleep* mess with the *bleep* trolls!"
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Stones during recent practice for upcoming tour. Shown (l-r) Dr. Quimby, the band's physician and harmonica player; Ron Wood; Charlie Watts; Twyla Grimshaw, backup vocals; Mick Jagger; Stella Rumsey, backup vocals; and Truby Moon, sandpaper block percussionist. Keith Richards was indisposed, reportedly undergoing the new radical and controversial formaldehyde therapy.
(ROOTERS ## Asylumnation Bureau) The Rolling Stones have announced yet another North American road trip, their umpteenth tour in several decades. The latest jaunt will kick off "pretty soon" at an undisclosed site rumoured to be in close proximity to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota.
The tour, in support of their just released "Forget Alzheimer's" live album, will see a redesigned open stage with sitelines spanning 360 degrees, courtesy of the same team that designed the "Incontinence Lounge" and "It's Only Geritol" sets. The tour is being presented by the Wyeth Laboratories, makers of Preparation H Medicated Wipes. Opening act is tentatively Ike Turner, pending clearance from his probation and parole officer. Rumours persisted that Iron Butterfly was onboard. Unfortunately, Ron Bushy remains in a coma due to the freakish lightining strike on his iron lung during an Akron show last year..
A spokesperson for the promoter says the tour was inspired by the success of the odd, smaller venues like New York's Madison Estates Resthome performed during the previous nursing home tour, and by the fact that the band was forced to reschedule their U.K. dates until next year for tax and Keith Richard's liver, kidney, lung and heart transplant surgeries.
The spokesperson confirmed that the tickets will average $175 each.
Most of the shows will go on sale between November 20 and 22.
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I've had it. Up to here. That damn jackass Wonderaz has gone plumb over the edge this time. I'm certain of it. And he's pullin' me right along with 'im.
No-good, worthless, dirty-rotten, goofy, ignernt sumbitch. Hang on there. This story's gonna require at least one more bottle.
That's better. Ummm, oh yeah. The jackass. Y'all know that crazy bastid is as afraid o' Johnny Law as a possum is of an axe handle. No question about it. Well, it would stand to reason that if he wuz of a rational mind, which he ain't, he'd avoid potential encounters with the law like the plague.
Not the jackass. Nosireeee. Hell, he just arrived back at the resthome a few hours ago on a bus. Where wuz he, you say? Well, where he wuz ain't nearly as important as whut he wuz doin' when he wuz where he wuz.
I don't know whut I'd do without my trusted, true-blue friend, Dickel. Excuse me if'n I git a tad bit teary-eyed.
Don't worry. I ain't lost my place. I just needed a li'l nip. Anyway, the jackass somehow made it all the way to a damn Eydie Gorme 'n' Steve Lawrence show. Ya gotta understand the jackass don't give a rat's ass 'bout Steve Lawrence, in fact, he's claimed fer years that Lawrence is just a eunuch assigned to Eydie by her record company to keep tabs on her.
I know. I know. Don't make a damn lick o' sense, but remember . . . we're talking 'bout the jackass. The jackass and good sense are like oil 'n' water. Com-pren-day, Jose'?
Jeebus! Some o' that last swallow went down the wrong pipe. Burns like th'dickens. Oh, uh, the bus, the bus. I spent my last red cent . . . again . . . on bail bond and a bus ticket fer the jackass. Seems he disrupted the show 'n' got slapped with an attempted indecent exposure charge that wuz later reduced to attemptin' to disturbin' the piece. Frankly, I thought it wuz bad manners fer th'law to refer to Miss Gorme as a "piece", but hey! Whut do I know?
Anyway, in exchange fer settin' his bail, that bozo judge made the jackass promise he'd leave the jurisdiction if he'd swear to leave Miss Gorme alone forever 'n' ever and to also never come back to that state in return fer sum plea bargin. Well, all I can say is, whoever paid to send that numbnuts judge t'law school oughtta demand a full refund.
Oh, and while I'm at it, I'll just letcha know there ain't no punchline to this story. It's just one o' whut Paint CHiPs calls "cream o' unconsciousness" deals, or sumpin' like that.
And, did I git a "thank you" fer bailin' him out? A pat on the back fer the bus ticket? Hell no. Ungrateful bastid jackass just stumbles offa that bus, all cockeyed 'n' proud o' hisself. He's been in his room fer four hours straight, wearin' nuttin' but that same ol' abominable red bra 'n' red soily panties. Now, I'm used to that. But that ain't all . . .
For the past four hours, he's been blastin' that "Blame It On The Bossa Nova", over and over and over and dancin' in front o' that full-length mirror o' his. I can handle him bein' sick. Hell, he's been sick fer years. But I ain't as ruff 'n' tuff as I used to be an' I'm about to crack.
I been told they put the good Doctor Kevorkian in the pokey. If he has any pals in the business, I'd appreciate it if'n you'd send me his/her phone number and right quick. I love y'all 'n' have enjoyed my time here at AsylumNation, shootin' the shit, lookin' at titties, 'n' drinkin' Dickel. But if I'm gone tomorrow, just blame it on the bossa nova.
Now if y'all will excuse me, I got sum real serious drinkin' t'do.
Amen.
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OLUSTEE, OK ## Dingle Van Winkle a/k/a Mad Scatter issued the following "used pantie" challenge earlier today:
"While illusion's initiative and efforts at commerce are arguably commendable, she's taking advantage of the misguided and the uninformed. Truth is, she's strictly a rank amateur. 'Used panties', my ass. She don't know shit from shinola.
I'll extend this offer to any good Asylum member . . . you want seriously stanky panties? Uncompromisingly rotten drawers? Don't pay the big bucks for 'em, 'cause I'll fix you right up.
All you need do is mail your panties, drawers, or whatever, to me in care of that jackass wonderaz and I'll dump a fresh, major league load o' crap in 'em that's sure to knock your head clean off your shoulders with just one whiff ## and everyone else's in the vicinity, for that matter. Not recommended for people with heart conditions or frail constitutions.
These make great gag gifts and most people are rendered speechless in a matter of seconds. If you smoke 'em, though, out of an abundance of caution, be sure your shots are all up-to-date.
One other small item . . . I'm currently fighting extradition to Minnesota on some trumped-up charges and my legal bills are mounting. So, if you can throw in a few extra bucks when you send me your stuff, I'll be sure and whip up an extra-big, custom batch."
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FARMINGTON, ME ## "Due to the incredible interest shown thus far in Roshigoth's Nookie Nation Sweeps, the AsylumNation administrators have cooked up yet another contest to show their appreciation to the members!" announced Paint CHiPs, recent immigrant to Maine.
Mr. CHiPs advised this next venture is a fiction writing contest and provided the following details:
1. Contestants will write and submit an original short story entitled, "Jeebus's Last Panty Raid". The panel of judges will be selected by the site administrators. There is no limit on length, although 5000 words or less is recommended. Additionally, the admins reserve the right to edit as necessary in their sole judgment.
2. Grand Prize will be an AsylumNation Toaster. All entries must be the original work of the entrant and submitted before noon CST, 15 October 2001, Any and all entries may be published, or not, at the sole discretion of the admins and all rights are reserved.
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CYBERIA, ASYLUMNATION ## Earlier today, Herkimer J. "Wonderaz" McGinty announced AsylumNation administrators have denied Anal "Goatboy" Roberts' appeal for entry in the Roshigoth's Nookie Nation Sweepstakes. The appeal was lodged after Mad Dog MstrG's investigation of a stalking complaint led to apprehension of Roberts in a women's restroom stall on the groundfloor of a dormitory at Rosh's campus.
Denial of Roberts' appeal came after numerous thorough and exhaustive deep body cavity searches conducted by Dingle Van Winkle. "It was a nasty, filthy job, but I love my job and, after all, somebody had to do it in the interest of fair play!", said Winkle.
Winkle continued, "We made it clear the contest was open only to female members 18 years of age or over. As for Mr. Roberts, the only thing I'm sure of is, he ain't no woman."
Mr. Roberts is demanding an appeal of his appeal, citing the need for yet more testing and body cavity searches, claiming those conducted to-date are inconclusive. McGinty reported his demand is under consideration.
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CYBERIA, ASYLUMNATION ## "Anyone who's ever thought or accused the administrators at AsylumNation of being heartless bastards will eat their words!" proclaimed Paint CHiPs, long time bard and gas-bag. The pronouncement came following a secret weekend pow-wow and Everclear sampling at Mad Dog MstrG's summer retreat located near Three-Mile Island.
Citizen CHiPs added, "Yes, we've still got a couple of toasters to give away and we've been mindful that it's been a virtual nookie wasteland for our youthful ward, Roshigoth. Hence, we've combined a contest for one of these sought-after prizes with a solution for Rosh!"
He continued, "The contest will be called 'ROSHIGOTH'S NOOKIE NATION'and the rules are simple. Beginning with this press release, the first registered Asylumnation babe to fork over some much-needed and well-deserved nookie to this fine young man will receive an electric toaster, but that's not all ## If the administrators receive photographic verification of the dirty deed, or deeds (yes, plurality of the nookie is encouraged), the lucky lady will also receive an additional SUPER SECRET PRIZE!"
Verification by Roshigoth of receipt of nookie is required and all decisions of the administrators at Asylumnation are final. All contestants must be 18 years of age or older to participate. Contest ends at midnight CST, 30 September 2001.
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PORTLAND, ME ## The Securities and Exchange Commission filed an enforcement action in the U.S. District Court for the District of Maine on Monday against Green Burrito Enterprises, Inc. alleging investor and customer fraud against one Jesus Rodriguez a/k/a Alcoholsoopafiend (ASF). A confidential source stated Rodriguez is most likely an alias linked to the internet alias of ASF. A "John Doe" summons has been issued for a Mexican National allegedly carrying false citizenship papers. The man is reputed to be approximately 24 years of age and is reportedly fond of abusing his hair. Complaints began pouring in last week after an E. coli (eschericia coli) breakout among dozens of customers who ate burritos purchased from a street cart and rolling porta-potty owned by Green Burrito Enterprises, Inc. Touting "environmentally friendly" burritos, laboratory testing of uneaten portions revealed the fillings had been recycled. A man claiming to be a spokesperson for the company, Anal "Goatboy" Roberts, claimed the suit was a plot by the government to shut down small businesses. "It's a very sound idea whose time has come. Why, whenever I hurl from eating one, and I frequently do, I just get another tortilla and eat it again. In these times of extreme environmental consciousness, it does not get any greener than that," said Roberts, who refused to provide details as to his whereabouts.
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