In a first for the EPA, Van Winkle and McGinty were added to the Toxic Site List earlier this month after chemical analysis of rectal swabs obtained in April confirmed incredibly high levels of benzene, catacarb and creosote. An informed source said these men have also been linked to a rash of bizarre and highly toxic "crap circles" plaguing random areas throughout Minnesota for weeks.

A search of the premises and outbuildings confirmed that authorites had arrived too late, although an arrest was made by county sheriff's deputies. A man claiming to be Anal "Goatboy" Roberts was found hiding in a chicken coup and booked on seven felony counts of Crimes Against Nature. Two watermelons were also seized as evidence.

Apparently, the two men had been operating a car wash beside Smokey's Tavern with an unusual twist ## they offered free baptisms with each car wash. At ten dollars a pop, witnesses said the man called Saint Paint would appear in a white robe, intoning, "Father, Son 'n' Holy Ghost, wash this sinner with this hose!" Thereupon, Friar Fiend would proceed to douse the occupants of the vehicle with a garden hose.

Presently held on Public Drunk charges, the men's disagreement apparently began over possession of a bottle of tequila. Maine's Consumer Fraud Unit issued the cease and desist order after numerous complaints surfaced, primarily from patrons of the adjacent tavern accusing the men of plastering their vehicles with mud while inside obtaining refreshment.

State investigators are presently running down leads that may tie the crap circles to the "The Mad Scatter", a vagrant who goes by "Dingle Van Winkle". Mr. Van Winkle has been sighted in the vicinity of several of the crap circles, along with another man who has been identified from police photo-files as Herkimer J. "Wonderaz" McGinty.

Anyone with information on the whereabouts of either of these men should contact authorities at once. McGinty has several warrants outstanding from Arizona and is reputedly unpredictable and overly self-medicated.

The Mad Scatter is tied to several incidents of aggressive projectile bowel movement attacks, most of which have been from various overpasses crossing major highways throughout the state. In nearly every instance, his victims have been driving either Kia or Hyundai vehicles. The one exception was a nun pedaling a bicycle on the shoulder of Highway 10 near Good Thunder.

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"We were absolutely terrified!" said one woman who requested anonymity. "I mean, imagine trying to explain to your young children why that man - that abomination - would be standing out there in front of God and everyone, wearing a red brassiere! And that syringe in his head and that nasty drooling! It made me sick!"

When authorities closed in, Mr. McGinty attempted to flee on a Cushman Eagle motor scooter, but lost control and crashed through the front window of The Christian Science Reading Room. As he was restrained and carried away, he kept screaming, "By the way, did I tell you I now have cable?!"

Informed sources indicate a decision on charges will be made after completion of psychological testing.

An anonymous source from the 911 dispatcher's office revealed a call complaining of a man repeatedly disrupting week-long marathon revival services with strange and bizarre outbursts, including yodeling with a lisp during singing of hymns and exchanging discount coupons for cash when the offering was being given.

The congregation and minister had attempted to resolve the situation in house the past few days, but the last straw apparently came during the Lord's Supper. Mr. "Van Winkle" is alleged to have seized and guzzled the sacramental wine, raced to the balcony, then hung his posterior over the railing and expelled copious amounts of feces on several members of the congregation as they looked up from below.

Charges are pending.

Truth is, it was originally Dingle's toaster, but that jackass Wonderaz pawned it and Sir Dingus no longer needs it. One-of-a-kind item here. More details will be forthcoming! Amen.