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GACKLE, ND ## With warrants in hand, federal, state and local authorites swooped in on a farm five miles south of Gackle early Sunday morning intent upon arresting the first two humans added to the Toxic Site List of the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA). Citing a confidential informant, the warrants were for a Minnesota vagrant known as Dingle Van Winkle and his alleged side-kick, Herkimer J. "Wonderaz" McGinty. In a first for the EPA, Van Winkle and McGinty were added to the Toxic Site List earlier this month after chemical analysis of rectal swabs obtained in April confirmed incredibly high levels of benzene, catacarb and creosote. An informed source said these men have also been linked to a rash of bizarre and highly toxic "crap circles" plaguing random areas throughout Minnesota for weeks. A search of the premises and outbuildings confirmed that authorites had arrived too late, although an arrest was made by county sheriff's deputies. A man claiming to be Anal "Goatboy" Roberts was found hiding in a chicken coup and booked on seven felony counts of Crimes Against Nature. Two watermelons were also seized as evidence.
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