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man claims alien probe record; seeks licensing
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*Mr. Johnsonstein, shortly after his most recent alien rectal probe session*
(ROOTERS--St. Elmo, CO) Roberto Quincy Johnsonstein, III, a/ka in cyber-circles as "dingle", for the past several years has claimed to have been abucted on a weekly basis by aliens and religiously subjected to repeated vigorous rectal probing. A crack team of Asylumnation reporters found him shortly after his return from yet another alleged abduction. Though appearing spent and exhausted, Johnsonstein was curiously spry and refreshed in his manner and speech. The reporters did turn down his repeated offers to personally demonstrate what he referred to as the "alien gift".
Speaking from a secret location due to outstanding warrants on pending charges, all of which he impatiently waives off as "trumped up", Mr. Johnsonstein again became very animated when the subject turned back to his experiences with the "space folk", as he sometimes referred to them. "I'm telling you, I can set my watch by it! When it's time, I usually have a sack of Cheetos for them because those little bastards LOVE Cheetos, and I usually bring a quart of malt liquor. Fact is, I'm on a first name basis with several of the little green buggers!"
When it was pointed out that the scenarios described by him hardly sounded like he was being abducted, Johnsonstein accused the team of being spies from the NSA and threatened to terminate the interview. After a few minutes, however, he accepted the peace offering of a warm six pack of Old Milwaukee and continued, "I can probably verify over 120 separate abduction and probing incidents, although there's no question in my mind that I have endured several hundred. The thing is, the public tends to view of these things with great apprehension. And don't get me wrong . . . they are awful. Just horrible. But, I have a scientific mind, you know, and I've managed to maintain my objectivity and rise above the trauma."
When pressed for details regarding the licensing rumours, Johnsonstein advised he had a "crack team of lawyers" working on it and, hence, could not reveal specifics. He did say, however, that renewed sexual vigor was chief among several benefits he has received from his alien contact. "If my experiences are any indication, I should be able to make Viagra obsolete."
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