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minnesota man hospitalized; now missing
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(ROOTERS - Deer Lick, KY) ## A Minnesota fugitive wanted on numerous local, state and federal warrants slipped past armed police guards early Friday morning while in a hospital at an undisclosed Kentucky location. Anonymous sources say that Roberto Quincy "dingle" Johnsonstein, III was hospitalized after emergency room workers witnessed him being shoved from the back of an older Ford Econoline van by unknown men and women yelling and cursing in Spanish. Witnesses failed to get the tag number of the van, but said it had a large airbrush mural of Michael Jackson with "Love Machine" written in bold, hot pink script.
Initially incomprehensible and profusely incontinent, additional ER workers were summoned to subdue Johnsonstein, who reportedly kept his distance from those first on the scene by moon-walking in circles and wildly slinging a soiled canvas bag. Once inside the waiting room, sedation was administered. Despite the sedation, however, restraints were applied when he began frantically screaming, "Guano! Guano! Guano!" while struggling to crawl under the gurney.
When the belongings in his bag were searched in an effort to obtain identification, a hand-written journal was discovered. Authorities were notified shortly thereafter when an alert employee came across information in the journal alluding to several warrants for Johnsontein's arrest.
Asylumnation reporters have acquired an exclusive copy of the journal, together with a roll of film, which has been developed. Though the journal entries are largely unintelligible and possibly in some sort of code, it appears that Johnsonstein and another unidentified man had been consuming malt liquor around the clock for a few days. At some point in the bender, and perhaps acting upon a dare, they embarked upon an expedition to explore "Puffy". Judging from the descriptions provided in the journal, Puffy is apparently a large, wild cavern of unknown location, with vast deposits of guano. The photograph shown here is apparently of Johnsonstein descending into the entrance of Puffy.
It is unknown at this time how Johnsonstein escaped, but an inquiry is under way.
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