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asylum man returns to the closet
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(ROOTERS ## Bible Hill, TN) Bradley Dilbeck Porterstein, itinerant internet forum poster writing in cyberspace under various pseudonyms including Paint CHiPs and RumP RanGeR, hastily called a secret press conference this afternoon to announce he was dropping his bid to "come out of the closet".
"Like, I thought it was something I just had to do. After all, I am a Libertarian, you know? But, I've concluded I have a great many issues to resolve before ever considering coming out again in the future. You know? Frankly, man, I was so not prepared for the avalanche of attention that followed the announcement of my previous decision," said Porterstein.
It may turn out there is, in fact, a physiological catalyst for the "avalanche" complained of by the young man. Informed sources disclosed that medical tests, conducted during Porterstein's alum therapy sessions to correct a grossly distended sphincter, detected abnormally high levels of certain complex and astonishingly potent pheromones. For reasons not yet explained, speculation is these pheromones triggered the hot, maniacal pursuits of Porterstein by numerous male suitors, apparently succumbing to an irresistable spell cast by the exceedlingly pungent and powerful excretions.
When asked about it, Porterstein replied, "All I know is that I'm tired of running. They've worn me out. And that thing with that monster Limey just about did me in." Porterstein's mention of the "Limey" was in reference to what has since become known as the Philadelphia Incident, which is still under investigation.
The interview abruptly terminated when a couple of bikers began clawing and banging on the front door of the secret cabin arranged for the meeting. Porterstein was last seen as he ran screaming into the woods after crashing through a side window.
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