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porterstein earns mcdonald's promotion
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(ROOTERS ## Otisfield, ME) Never let it be said that Bradley Dilbeck Porterstein, up-and-coming Mcdonald's fry cook, lacks ambition. In a stunning shakeup in the corporate world of McDonald's, it was announced that Porterstein was being promoted from the french fry vats to the sesame seed bun warmer.
"It's not really about the money," said Porterstein, whose hard efforts were recognized with a 12-cent per hour raise in pay. "No, it's all about pride."
He continued, "I mean, I asked myself if I really wanted to stay on french fries the rest of my life and I ultimately had to admit the answer was 'no'. True, I had mastered all the secret fry-techniques, but in recent months, the passion just wasn't there. That was when I finally broke down, walked into Sid Talley's, he's my shift-manager, office, shut that door behind me and asserted myself!"
More like "inserted himself", said Clarence Vining, former sesame seed bun warmer technician who was contacted the following day. Vining, summarily demoted after Porterstein's closed-door session, has filed a complaint with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC), charging Porterstein and his shift supervisor with sexual discrimination. "I don't believe for one minute that no-good, lying Porterstein ever really went back into the closet, like he says he did. Fact is, he's the most brazen brown-noser I've ever seen. You don't believe me, just take one look at him! It's written all over his face. He just literally sucked up to the bossman and before I knew what hit me, WHAM! I'm dunkin' french fry baskets," he said.
Asylumnation reporters attempted to contact Porterstein and Talley for a response to Vining's accusations, but were advised they were attending a "career enrichment seminar" for the remainder of the week, reportedly at an out-of-town Motel 6.
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