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red bra stolen; elderly man suspected
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(ROOTERS ## Kermit, TX) A joint RV roundup and jamboree sponsored by the AARP (American Association Of Retired Persons) and VFW (Veterans Of Foreign Wars) ended on a sour note late Saturday evening. Josephine Prather, known to her affectionate fans as "Missjo", reported the forcible theft of "La Maison de Whoppers Rouge", her reportedly one-of-a-kind brassiere. Missjo is a traveling Australian exotic poetry performer and semi-mime, currently on her first world tour entitled "Cornucopia". Sources say she had just returned to her trailer after a rousing encore performance of "Desiderata", which she sang to the tune of Stephen Fosters', "De Camptown Races".
A Sheriff's sketch artist was able to draw a composite of the suspect based upon information provided by Prather, as well as several other vendors in the vicinity who reported several instances of food and beverage larceny by a lone, unwashed man with blood-shot eyes and remarkably bad breath. Based upon the sketch, authorities have issued an all-points-bulletin for an elderly vagrant matching the description of a Herkimer Eugene McGinty. McGinty reportedly walked away from the Evening Shade Resthome in Winslow, Arizona several weeks ago. Since then, he has been spotted at various locales on the coast and as far way as Djibouti.
"I had just undressed after drawing myself a nice, warm bath, when I turned around and saw this horrible, unkempt man leering at himself in my full-length mirror! He'd already put on my prized possession and, even though I didn't have a stitch of clothing on, I beaned him square between the eyes with the first thing I could grab, which was a bar of soap. Other than crossing his eyes, though, it didn't seem to faze him, as he just made a loud grunting noise and crashed through the side window. Oh, and I might add, the lingering stench he left behind was awful. Just awful." said Prather, in an Asylumnation exclusive interview.
McGinty uses several aliases including "Jackass", "Wonderaz" and "Juan De Ruiz". Criminal profile experts have determined that McGinty has had a deep-seated, lifelong obsession with red women's undergarments, especially red brassieres. They are also relatively certain McGinty will most likely be wearing the pilfered item.
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