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boobonic plague strikes man and woman
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(ROOTERS ## Cuckoo. VA) Disease investigators tried Wednesday to track down the source of a bizarre contagion tentatively dubbed the "boobonic plague" that apparently caused a British citizen and Virginia woman to sprout gargantuan breasts. Health officials believe they became infected as a result of eating wild mushrooms obtained in a foraging expedition in the woods outside Cuckoo, Virginia, said Grant Sligert, a spokesman for the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
The man and woman showed up at two different hospitals Tuesday, complaining of severe back pain and swelling bosom. They were given antibiotics and administered enemas every hour on the hour as a precautionary measure, though doctors remain baffled.
Health officials on Thursday repeated their assertion that the public is not in danger, but issued a strong cautionary statement against the consumption of any and all mushrooms until such time as more tests can be completed.
Asylumnation reporters attempted to speak by telephone with the U.K. victim, Chauncey Quimbish, but were told to "bugger off!" before he slammed the receiver down. Anonymous sources revealed, however, that Quimbish is C.E.O. of "Smug Git Ministries, Ltd.", currently under investigation by Interpol for running numerous pyramid money schemes fronted by a weekly gospel hour carried by numerous cable television providers.
Penelope U. Forbea, who would only allow that she resided in Virginia, was more forthcoming. "Frankly, I'd been thinking about getting me some store-bought knockers. I was hoping this might turn out to be a blessing in disguise but, instead, it's been a holy nightmare. They're still growing!" She paused, then added, "On second thought, though, my hubbie can't seem to keep his hands off me now. That little stinker!"
In yet another exclusive, Asylumnation hackers obtained an image of one of the victims from her medical database.
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