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Saddam vows "spectacular" mullets
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(ROOTERS ## Baghdad, Iraq) Apparently taking a que from Osama Bin Laden's recent video pronouncement broadcasted by Al Jazeera, Saddam Hussein vowed the Iraqi people will stand defiant against the infidels with a series of relentless and increasingly "spectacular" mullets. Hussein delivered his latest forceful speech on state-run Iraqi television on the eve of the arrival of the latest crew of U.N. inspectors.
Sporting his own spectacular mulletized coif, the Iraqi dictator was, at times, barely intelligible. His cheeks appeared stuffed and he repeatedly paused to spit into the cupped hands of Tariq Aziz, Iraq Deputy Prime Minister. Observers speculated on the identity of the unknown substance, but all official channels remained silent. Local barbers were soon swamped, however, by hordes of jubilant and defiant men waiting in line for their turn at a mullet-do. Despite the crowds, the mood was quite festive as "Sweet Home Alibaba", the new Iraqi hit single by Qusay Hussein, blared repeatedly over loudspeakers placed on top of hundreds of buildings in cities throughout the country.
While the international community reeled in shock and disbelief as the bizarre and puzzling tirade unfolded, the award-winning team of Asylumnation crack reporters confirmed the successful completion of a stunning triple double top-secret undercover covert special operations mission. As was reported earlier in Asylumnation's fabled Lost Forum, a long-time poster and humourist known to members as "Mugtoe" recently embarked upon a pleasure trip to London, U.K. It turned out, however, this was just a clever ruse to provide cover for his insertion into Baghdad. Asylumnation also discovered that "Mugtoe" is, in fact, an alias for none other than Frank "Three Dollar" Williams, storied lawman and Texas Ranger.
Asylumnation tracked down Ranger Williams at an undisclosed location somewhere in Minnesota to inquire why the White House would send only one man, let alone a Texas Ranger, on such an incredibly dangerous international mission. "Well, it's like this," drawled Williams, "One dictator, one Ranger. That's all it takes and I doggone sure know plenty 'bout dick 'n' taters."
Known as a master of disguise, "Three Dollar", as he is affectionately called by his close friends, went on to explain how he essentially neutralized the Iraqi threat by seizing control of the tyrant's mind. "They, being middle easterners, can deny it all they want, but when it gets down to the nut-cuttin', there's two things they cannot resist, which is, fresh dip and Skynyrd. It's like camel jockey catnip. And everything else ## the mullets, coon dogs, pickup trucks, etc. ## they all inevitably follow from those two things. Hell, all it takes is just a pinch, but when I slipped a little pinch to that crazy Saddam he went nutsy. No pinch for him. Nosiree. He packed his lips and cheeks full and keeps 'em crammed full. Never seen anything like it."
The interview abruptly terminated when Williams received a call from someone he called "Condo".
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