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A Christmas Tail
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 (ROOTERS ## Beaver Meadows, NY) An Asylumnation benefit Christmas play and musical for elderly residents of Sunset Acres Resthome was canceled following a power outage midway through the performance early Tuesday evening. Various law enforcement and emergency medical personnel, responding to numerous 911 calls, were greeted with chaos and pandemonium as they arrived at the scene.
 The cast for the production was headlined by Geoffrey "MstrG" Tarwaters as "Joseph" and Josephine "Missjo" Prather as "Mary". Also making his first appearance was Jackie "Roshigoth" Colby as the little baby Jeebus in the manger.
Though details were initially sketchy, nurse aides indicated the trouble began when the power went out during the nativity scene. Anonymous sources also reported that as the evening progressed, Tarwaters had developed an obvious fixation upon certain remarkably abundant features of Prather's anatomy. Apparently, the opportunity created by the blackout, which lasted no more than 15 seconds, overwhelmed Tarwater's self-restraint.
Unfortunately for Tarwaters, however, it turned out that Prather suffers from nyctophobia, an abnormal fear of darkness.
When the power went out, Prather panicked and immediately crawled under the manger. Simultaneously, Colby, who had been lying nude on his stomach throughout the production because his swadling costume had been lost in transit, raised up on all fours. As he did, his hindquarters and nether region were immediately immobilized by an unseeable, but brutishly strong and hairy force.
The lights flickered back on to reveal a scene that one outraged observer described as "an abominable abomination!" Panicked and bewildered residents scattered as they attempted to flee the premises. Walkers and wheelchairs were haphazardly strewn about in a half-block radius around the facility, due to their owners being transported to the hospital for treatment of a variety of complaints.
"I couldn't budge!" Colby said later. "I felt an unbearably scratchy and prickly sensation, like sandpaper, y'know? And I heard what sounded like muffled raspberry and num-num noises. I was stunned. Shocked and stunned. Ummm, by the way, does this mean I'm not a virgin anymore?"
Tarwaters refused comment.
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