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4th Step
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I remember when I first got into computers in 1988. Dallas had this giant outdoor HAM Radio and Computer swap meet that was legendary to nerds across the United States and took place once a month and was called appropriately enough "The First Saturday Sale" people from all over the country attended this outdoor spectacle buying and selling anything that was involved with HAM Radio, Radio Control, and Computer Parts. This swap meet had been around since the 1960’s but prior to computers has mostly been a Ham Radio and CB Radio event that had limited but devoted numbers who always showed up rain or shine. This was the early days of 386-486 quality computer goods and long before people started selling new wholesale computer parts at electronics swap meets. It was simply a collection of large parking lots near downtown Dallas that all connected and if you wanted to sell parts you pulled into a parking spot and paid $10 to hawk whatever trash or treasures you had, most people got there early enough to go buy some really good stuff and then bring it back to their car to re-sell to the novices and neophytes who arrived around daybreak looking for great deals with pockets full of money. By the time the sun came up it was miles of geeks, nerds, and dweebs. If you got there any later than midnight on Friday 12:00am you stood a great chance of missing out some real treasures. All the good stuff was gone by 3:00 am.
It never failed to amaze me, seeing this army of nerds (myself included) out in force so early armed with flashlights and black coffee. People crawled through piles of circuit boards and rummaged through the backs of bobtail trucks full of anything electrical/electronic imaginable. I once looked at this giant wiring assembly for something strange and I asked “What the hell is that”....and was told ..."Oh...this is the guidance system from a HARM missile it’s $50 and I'll throw in some 286 motherboards if you buy it”. It was not uncommon to find surplus Government and Military electronics that had accidentaly made their way into the public sector.
I tromped around out there in the dark in all kinds of weather for years searching for whatever deals could be found. I found my share of deals and disasters. Back in the day when SCSI and ESDI hard drives were high dollar ( 600-700 meg server drives could easily cost $2500 ) finding ones that worked for a cheap price at the outdoor sale was like finding the Hope Diamond at a thrift store. I usually went to the electronics sale with my buddy Joe who repaired hard drives and had a degree in electronics he could spot a deal a mile away and I learned plenty watching him navigate through piles of garbage computer parts and he had a knack for always finding the stuff that had actual resale value. Joe and I saw this dude standing by the open trunk of his car around 2:00am and went over to see what he had......he had 10 dead Full Height Hitachi ESDI hard drives and would take $200 for everything....Joe looked carefully at each of the drives, the revisions of the circuit boards, and even the color of the cabling on the stepper motors. Joe said "We'll give you $150 for everything" the guy agreed and Joe elbowed me in the ribs to pay the man. As we walked away Joe was almost in tears......"Oh My God! Dude we just struck the fuckin mother lode" he informed me that “Brand New” the drives could be sold for around $1000 each any day of the week. I informed him that they all were dead and I was out $150 bucks. Joe told me that he'd looked at the manufacturer dates on the drives and they were all made 3 years ago….just so happens that Hitachi had a 5 year replacement warranty on their high dollar drives and we would be getting 10 new drives for the 10 dead ones we now had in a duffle bag. Life was good.
It took a couple of weeks to sort out the returns (RMA's) and get the replacement drives. One by one they all arrived….brand spanking new Hitachi 670 meg ESDI drives factory fresh and factory boxed. We put an ad in the Dallas Morning News computer section and listed them at $850 each with warranty and had them all sold within (4) days. We split the $8500 down the middle.
I have used that 3-5 year warranty trick that I learned from Joe on numerous occasions:
Once at the First Saturday Sale in the early 90’s I bought (20) Elographics touch screen monitors (the kind you see in kiosks) that all cracked screens from some guy who drove them down from Chicago. I got the lot for $250 and did some research to learn Elographics had 3yr replacement warranties on this specific model touch screen. I got all new touch screens and then wound up selling all 20 back to Elographics for $375 each.
Most recently I bought some dead Quantum DLT Tape Drives (40/80)……that interestingly enough were still under warranty and all I had to do was pay shipping back to Quantum, the whole deal cost me $55 to get new drives back and I sold them on eBay for $500 each.
Sure I’ve bought some real crap in hopes of making a small fortune only to learn there was no market or no value in the items……or even worse that they were stolen! On several occasions I've put ads in local newspapers stating "I buy any and all computer equipment CASH $$$ 24 hrs a day" you would not believe some of the responses I've gotten and some of the stuff I've seen. I once purchased a couple of new Toshiba notebooks with accessories for $400 each from an individual only to be contacted by the local police a few days later and told to bring all the gear around to the police station. The detective promised he would try to get my money but said I should have questioned what a 14yr old was doing with new notebooks for sale.
I prefer remembering the good deals.
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[Nearly a third of the Corvid family (41 species) is comprised of Crows and Ravens who make up the genus Corvus]
I have always had a strange affinity and association with Crows. As a boy growing up in North Texas they were my nearly constant companions wherever I traveled. I could be walking to school, riding my bike, playing with friends, etc. There would be Crows in attendance nearby with very few exceptions, if I was outside there would be Crows around. This has pretty much continued all through my adult life. One could argue that there simply is a large amount Crows in North Texas and I was bound to encounter them at almost every turn. Crows like hanging out, they are easy to notice, they don’t hide very well, and they almost always make their presence known.
In the mid 90’s I was working in a small office park near Forest Lane and Greenville Ave in Dallas. I went out for lunch daily and there would be always be Crows just loitering nearby or standing on my car. I began to take a little more interest in Crows and started witnessing odd things. Once while at the office I heard a distinct "Knock Knock Knock" at the front plate glass door and opened it to find a Crow lying flat on the grass with it’s wings spread out completely. I stood there about 5 feet away, I thought to myself “Oh my God! I’m witnessing this bird die.” But it finally got up and stumbled around like it had been in a trance or something….maybe it hit it’s head on a window and was knocked out for a minute or two. Not long after this happened I read an interesting book called “Animal Acts” that had some good information on Crows, it stated that Black Crows in Texas have been observed lying down in red ant beds and letting the ants crawl all over them and then getting up and smashing (crushing) the ants with their beaks and rubbing this ant mixture all over their wings and their bodies. Turns out those red ants have an acid in their bodies that is a potent psychotropic with hallucinogenic qualities and that these crows were observed repeatedly coating themselves in it……who knew?
I spoke with a lady once while I was still in Dallas and told her about my experience with Crows. She told me about having worked with Native Americans who would all give a part of their lunch everyday as an offering to the Crows, and someone would go out and place the food away from the building or cars. I started doing this and did it for many years and I came to believe that the Crows had somehow communicated with others that I was good for a free lunch, for months I tried different experiments and would go somewhere and watch the crows come and start waiting for me to put some food and there would always be a Crow come eat it within a few minutes. This has happened in many different states so it's not simply a regional thing.
There are not so many Crows now here in Arizona but I’ve recently seen a group that seems to be watching me and coming a little closer. I’ll try some granola bars, that's always a crowd pleaser.
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I am honest now if nothing else. I can see myself for who I am today. I am not special nor unique. I'm not the worst person you could ever meet or the best, I would fall in the middle somewhere. What does seperate me and make me unique from normal human beings is how I react when I consume alcohol or drugs. I will trade all of my tomorrows for a few minutes or a few hours of bliss. I know this and have proven it to my self again and again since the age of 12. We (people in recovery) call this doing research. I have done extensive research and privately funded research projects that were held in all sorts of lavish and horrid locations. The result is always the same, I will move heaven and earth for more once I have started getting high. When others have quit partying and said "Thats all for me, I'm going home" I am just getting started. I will drive into sections of town at 4:00am that armed police wont approach in broad daylight just to get $20 bucks worth of dope. My drug of choice is Cocaine and the preffered method of use is cooking it to remove the impurities and then smoking it. It's not pretty but it is extremely effective. Thats right Mabel...Just a little dab'll do ya.
Somewhere in the middle of May 1999 early one morning around 3:00am I laid in bed half alive and half dead. I had been smoking for around 48-72 hours and had gone through a quarter ounce of very potent rock (Crack). I couldnt feel my extremeties and was just basic heart and lungs alive. My heart was beating so hard and so fast in my chest that you could hear it echo off the walls in the bedroom. I was finally beaten and knew that it was over, I finally wished for the end to come. I cried out to my Dad who had died years earlier and told him "I'm so sorry for what I've become, I love you Dad" I then cried out to whoever was out there in the universe listening to me "If this is all there fucking is I dont want it, if this is what I get to know then let me fucking die, thanks a fucking lot".
Some people call what happened to me after speaking those words a "Spiritual Experience" I dont know what it was but I choose to call it God hearing my plea. The room was pitch black and then lightened up and sort of started glowing. I felt a wave of warmth rush through my body to all my ice cold limbs and I was overwhelmed by a sense of comfort. I cant explain that sense very well but its like the peace of knowing that all is well in the universe and it's gonna be OK. I promised myself I'd die before ever doing that again and have never touched it again since 1999.
I've been a recovering alcoholic and addict since July 25th 1999. My sobriety has not been continuous having relapsed and taken a drink at 3 1/2 years for foolish reasons. I wanted to drink like a normal drinker again and thought I could manage it. I quickly descended into being drunk 24 hours a day within a month.
Life is better when I dont drink or get high. I stopped and just got a year again recently.
The title "4th step" for me is very important. "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves" I got (get) to look at a lot of the people, places, and things that I drank and used over. more about that some other time.
Also there is no real 13th step it refers to getting laid in AA, there are those who use the program as a place to hook up. It's human nature and when people get sober their bodies start to work and function somewhat normally again. The only problem I see with this is most people feel better before their minds and souls get better and can cloud the waters of their growth with having relationships too early on. The ultimate sorry motherfucker in the universe is the person who's been sober for a while (years) and will latch onto a newcomer just walking in looking (Crying Out) for help and they tell them all the right things they want to hear just to get what they want. I've seen this drive newcomers back out the door and some have died.
Personal Footnote: A Perfect Circle's "Thirteenth Step" is one of my favorite CD's (Weak and Powerless is my favorite track) it covers a lot of this ground. I dont know if Billy or Maynard are/were in recovery but for sure someone in that group has definetly been exposed to it.
This following may not mean much to you and thats OK, but it means a great deal to me. I'm not perfect but I am trying to a better person day by day.
The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
lanin
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