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Made a searching and fearless moral inventory....
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I am honest now if nothing else. I can see myself for who I am today. I am not special nor unique. I'm not the worst person you could ever meet or the best, I would fall in the middle somewhere. What does seperate me and make me unique from normal human beings is how I react when I consume alcohol or drugs. I will trade all of my tomorrows for a few minutes or a few hours of bliss. I know this and have proven it to my self again and again since the age of 12. We (people in recovery) call this doing research. I have done extensive research and privately funded research projects that were held in all sorts of lavish and horrid locations. The result is always the same, I will move heaven and earth for more once I have started getting high. When others have quit partying and said "Thats all for me, I'm going home" I am just getting started. I will drive into sections of town at 4:00am that armed police wont approach in broad daylight just to get $20 bucks worth of dope. My drug of choice is Cocaine and the preffered method of use is cooking it to remove the impurities and then smoking it. It's not pretty but it is extremely effective. Thats right Mabel...Just a little dab'll do ya.
Somewhere in the middle of May 1999 early one morning around 3:00am I laid in bed half alive and half dead. I had been smoking for around 48-72 hours and had gone through a quarter ounce of very potent rock (Crack). I couldnt feel my extremeties and was just basic heart and lungs alive. My heart was beating so hard and so fast in my chest that you could hear it echo off the walls in the bedroom. I was finally beaten and knew that it was over, I finally wished for the end to come. I cried out to my Dad who had died years earlier and told him "I'm so sorry for what I've become, I love you Dad" I then cried out to whoever was out there in the universe listening to me "If this is all there fucking is I dont want it, if this is what I get to know then let me fucking die, thanks a fucking lot".
Some people call what happened to me after speaking those words a "Spiritual Experience" I dont know what it was but I choose to call it God hearing my plea. The room was pitch black and then lightened up and sort of started glowing. I felt a wave of warmth rush through my body to all my ice cold limbs and I was overwhelmed by a sense of comfort. I cant explain that sense very well but its like the peace of knowing that all is well in the universe and it's gonna be OK. I promised myself I'd die before ever doing that again and have never touched it again since 1999.
I've been a recovering alcoholic and addict since July 25th 1999. My sobriety has not been continuous having relapsed and taken a drink at 3 1/2 years for foolish reasons. I wanted to drink like a normal drinker again and thought I could manage it. I quickly descended into being drunk 24 hours a day within a month.
Life is better when I dont drink or get high. I stopped and just got a year again recently.
The title "4th step" for me is very important. "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves" I got (get) to look at a lot of the people, places, and things that I drank and used over. more about that some other time.
Also there is no real 13th step it refers to getting laid in AA, there are those who use the program as a place to hook up. It's human nature and when people get sober their bodies start to work and function somewhat normally again. The only problem I see with this is most people feel better before their minds and souls get better and can cloud the waters of their growth with having relationships too early on. The ultimate sorry motherfucker in the universe is the person who's been sober for a while (years) and will latch onto a newcomer just walking in looking (Crying Out) for help and they tell them all the right things they want to hear just to get what they want. I've seen this drive newcomers back out the door and some have died.
Personal Footnote: A Perfect Circle's "Thirteenth Step" is one of my favorite CD's (Weak and Powerless is my favorite track) it covers a lot of this ground. I dont know if Billy or Maynard are/were in recovery but for sure someone in that group has definetly been exposed to it.
This following may not mean much to you and thats OK, but it means a great deal to me. I'm not perfect but I am trying to a better person day by day.
The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
lanin
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