Is purpose something that finds us?

(Is purpose something we really need, or only think we do?)

-Does it search for us? Where does it come from?

-If we yearn for it, call for it, does it find us easier?

-Or is it like a wood nymph, invisible when looked at directly but seen in the corners of the eye when the mind forgets to think about it and wanders off to a new demesne?

--Like the thought on the tip of the tongue, stuck in the frontal lobes that can't be retrieved until you forget that you can't come up with it, on to splurge forth when you are eating your desert or contemplating whether to wash your hair a second time before mauling in the conditioner. Reaching for it just pushes it away. Maybe, maybe not.....

If we search for it, how do we know what we are looking for? If we know what we are looking for, doesn't that require that we have found it? Purpose isn't a rental video or a loaf of bread or a microbrewed ale that you're not sure what you want until you peruse the selection. You know purpose when you have it, (don't you? do I?) Or do you only know when you don't have it?

Is laziness a personal shortcoming, a disease, a defect, to be avoided, or is it simply lack of purpose? Depression, procrastination, mistakes, video games, MTV, are all lack of purpose, no? Modern life floods the sensors that detect purpose, strive for purpose, want it, ask for it, seek, need, relish in it. TV? Who found their purpose on TV? If a purpose is related to TV, it always has to do with being inside the TV, not from televisionary receipts. If you lack purpose in your life, go outside.

Purpose sought but not found: is the journey the purpose, the ends irrelevant to the means? Is my purpose to wonder what my purpose is? We only know what we know because we know it, nothing more. How can you find purpose in a slough of arbitrary meaning? Even more important, how can purpose find you?

Is purpose a decision? a gut feeling? love at first sight? I know there is no meaning in life, but I still want to do something with it. Is direction different than purpose? Can one have purpose without a plan? Are purpose and goals two sides of a coin or separate entities related to achievement?

I sure hope you aren't disappointed that I don't have the answers. I know what I want to do in life, I know what I like to do in life, but I don't feel as though I have any purpose. I have done things on purpose, but most of what I do just happens. I try to let myself be me as free as possible. I've gotten in trouble that way, but for the most part, I'm a good person and good things happen when I just let me be. My life has meaning, my life has direction; so what if I have no purpose?

Or perhaps I don't believe I am worthy of having a purpose. The ultimate low self esteem characteristic. Goals? Yes. Achievement? Why not? Purpose? I'm not worthy!!! Perhaps I need a lack of purpose to drive me to do stuff. That brings me back to the sought-but-not-found bit. But if this is the case, why the hell do I feel that the reason I waste time playing computer games is that I have no purpose? Am I not looking hard enough or am I concentrating too much?

Fuck it. If any of you all have any extra purposes, DCC them to me in chat sometime. I'll put them to good use, I swear.