The whole Christian perspective on things never really made sense to me. Sure, I suppose I bought into it until Confirmation, but then I learned to think and something about the whole story just didn’t click. After watching Monty Python’s "Life of Brian" about 50 times in high school, I was convinced that things didn’t go down in the past the way the Bible says.

The two biggest sticking points for me were (1) the whole issue of evil and (2) the inconsistent personality of God. I suppose the existence of evil actually falls under the nature of God, but for this particular case, I am speaking more of God’s personality.

For example, why would a god who supposedly loves us so much put us through so much shit? Why would he demand such penance, sacrifice, and subservience from us? I always felt that for a perfect being, he sure had some ego issues unresolved.

And then the other day I was reading and thinking and just kind of letting things in my head roll around and all of a sudden I realized that it made a lot more sense if we recognized that God isn’t really what he says he is, but rather manipulates the media to stay in control and continue to extract tribute from us, the ignorant subjects. Kind of like Saddam Hussein in a way.

I started thinking more about it and realized that God must have seized power from Lucifer in a coup of sorts and has now instilled himself as the dictator of all there is, or at least all that Lucifer created. God sent down these messages announcing who he is and what the rules were going to be from now on. Most of the life on earth and other planets probably missed this message (but we don’t really know. He may have sent messages to all forms of life from algae to zebras.) As it were, the people on earth got the message, but didn’t make too much of it for a while until God sent a captured POW to earth as an act of war.

You see, Jesus was actually an agent of Satan who infiltrated heaven in an attempt to get inside to help force open the gates for the legions of Satan. Unfortunately, he got caught. (I’m guessing that he drank too much one night and said the wrong thing. God, being the tyrant that he is, commands incredible fear from his followers, so the guy who heard Jesus talking shit about this stuff went and tattled first thing. Actually even stuck Jesus with the bill at the bar they were drinking at.)

In an attempt to prove how ruthless he is and instill fear in the opposing army of Satan, he sent Jesus to earth and forced him to live the horrible life of humanity. Jesus, being one of the finest trained soldiers in Satan’s horde, knew what was going on and preaches Satan’s message of love, peace, and carnal pleasure to all who will listen. God can’t stand for this so he changes plans and had Jesus executed. Satan sent a few well placed informants to earth to help fan the coals of Jesus’s message, and almost was successful, but God’s PR machine got a hold of the story and spun it so that it looked like Jesus was not only a member of God’s team, but God’s own son! It was THE most successful PR campaign in the history of everything, akin to reformulating George Bush’s public image enough that people vote him in for President. We’re talking that big.

Taking it all back a bit farther, the best I can make of it goes like this:

Lucifer is the creator, plain and simple. He is not a perfect omniscient being like the Bible portrays God to be, but rather an extremely intelligent meta-force out seeing what he could do. He created everything and let it be. He created the world that we inhabit as well as the Astral Plain and the heavenly realms, where all the cosmic intellectuals hung out. He also built this super luxurious resort that he affectionately called "Hell," but more on that in a minute.

Lucifer loves everything and everyone, a total Zen dude. He is all about having fun and getting along. Do What Thou Wilt Shall be The Whole of The Law. He is pretty smart about everything and is able to make everyone happy enough, that thoughts of having someone else in charge never get entertained. Except by one pathetic bastard: God.

God and Lucifer were best friends, you see, only God was incredibly insecure about their friendship. His continuing jealousy of Lucifer’s power and popularity finally got the better of him and he struck. He duct-taped Lucifer from head to toe and sent him out with the trash. He told the heavenly masses that Lucifer had decided to take a vacation from the partying for a while and go hang out in Hell for a while. God explained that Lucifer was thinking of going on another creative binge like when he made the universe and needed some time alone to hammer out the details of what he wanted to do. In the meantime, Lucifer had asked God to look after things for awhile.

Now everyone knew that God and Lucifer were best of friends and accepted this story hook, line, and sinker. No one really noticed any difference in anything at first, but God was working behind the scenes to ensure his place at the head of the table was secure. He secretly formed an inner circle of protectors who were in on the secret. God dispatched a few of them to track down Lucifer’s body to make sure that he wouldn’t return. They found him lounging in Hell, basking in the known carnal pleasures. They set up camp around Hell and refused to let Lucifer out.

Lucifer didn’t really mind what was going on. He enjoyed the break from being the center of attention and it pleased him to see God having such a good time running things. But when God started changing the rules and exacting tribute from humanity, Lucifer tried to straighten things out. That’s when the shit hit the fan.

Lucifer finally gets pissed and starts to fight back, but it’s too late. Just as modern American proves, those who control the media outlets control the masses, and guess who had just released his magnum opus book of lies?

It was too late for Lucifer to do anything. God had been spreading falsehoods around and working his magic on everyone in such a way that he was pretty much invincible by that time. Lucifer knew that God’s weak point was his need for adulation from humanity so he tried to get the people’s opinion. Unfortunately for us, God controlled the media and was able to convince/ coerce/ scare humanity into believing his version.

Lucifer resigned himself to life in Hell. The two of them haven’t given up the struggle for humanity though. God wants us to worship him; Lucifer wants us to enjoy ourselves and wallow in carnal pleasure. God has portrayed Hell as a place of eternal suffering, but really it is just a place to hang out and be free to do what you want. I mean, how bad can it be if it is the ‘punishment’ for having sex?

They have reached a slight armistice in that if God can convince people to follow him, he gets to keep them. After all, he really isn’t forcing them to do anything, just convincing them that you should ignore your earthly desires and worship a deity who claims to be perfect in spite of obvious personal flaws. He agreed to let those that prefer Lucifer’s lifestyle retire at his resort, but he does everything he can to make them want to stay away.

This means that we can quit worrying about how to live. If you are happy worshipping God, keep up the good work. Nothing like have the ruler of the universe on your side. At the same time, though, don’t shy from fulfilling your desires. As long as you don’t overly impinge on others, you’ll make it to Hell eventually.

And boy, what a party we’ll have then! See (most of) you there.