As you all must have noticed by now, MooP is missing. I and I alone know where he is right now. Yes, he has been abducted by me, but the rumors that this is just a lark or sexually motivated prank are patently false. MooP is still alive, but there are no guarantees at how long that will last. If the Asylum doesn’t acquiesce to my demands, MooP’s outlook is not good. A deep sea burial in his future, if you catch my not-so-subtle point.

Many of you are wondering why Nutrimentia, such a nice upstanding member of the community, would partake in obviously treasonous behavior. If you have seen the movie Mishima you may understand. This "treason" is anything but. I am an Asylum Patriot through and through and am willing to give my life so that it may live. I am fully aware that this action may incite many of you to attempt to terminate my command with extreme prejudice (I have already destroyed those mail bombs you tried). But for the sake of the Asylum, I do what I do. I am prepared to let history be the judge of my actions, for I know that I will be revered as a hero and seen as the savior that I am.

When the Asylum started, it was a refuge. A refuge from that cesspool known as SPF, which itself was a refuge from the real world, a steaming pile of shit so horrid that we chose to immerse ourselves in the world of Jay Stile to get away from it. The Asylum was a dream community, full of frolicking freedom and unfettered fun.

Alas, all good things must come to an end and the Asylum now hangs by the neck from a tenuous tether. This place has been infected and effectively destroyed. What are we now? Where are we now? This is supposed to be a place for socializing and meeting people, but those days are long gone.

We profess to desire new membership, but we crucify newbies mercilessly. We claim to give bewbie points fairly, but avondale had to force Dingle’s hand (away from his greasy funstick) to get any points. We claim to be a bastion of freedom, but the Natsi Admins constantly are moving threads and deleting posts.

GoFuckYourselves infects every thread, every post, every comment, with dry wretched humor. PaintCHiPs waxes eternally on every fucking subject to the point of causing brain aneurysms in anyone foolish enough to begin reading his tripe. Rav and Chelle prance ruthlessly throughout the forum, and who knows what would happen if we didn’t have flood control? WastedPotential slaughters everyone in trivia and then flouts his savantism in our faces. Founder tack has seen the problems and tried to save us from ourselves, but the powers that be quickly snuffed out that point of light and ray of hope.

The site almost went down a few weeks ago because wonderaz broke his desk being a fuckwit. We have been foolish to place our trust in reckless fools who don’t value the life and longevity of the site. Remember what it was like when Stile shut down his forum because we were acting like babies? Imagine the pain and frustration involved in a site shutdown caused by inattentive administration and lax concern for the hardware that we reside in. At least stile was thinking about us; wonderaz just cares for his birds and that shiteating mutt he calls a dog.

Things must change, and I am the one to do so. I have taken MooP from the confines of the asylum and brought him here with me. I am currently taking my frustration out on the poor bastard. My frustrations with life, with you, and perhaps most of all with MooP himself. I had planned to let you all sweat it out a little bit before I made my demands, but I can only take so much of this crap. I know you want him back, you need him back, so listen up:

Demand "1: I want the site name changed back to asylumwhores. This place was better when we all had degrading self-perceptions and felt that we were worthless disease infested nobodies. Now that we identify ourselves as a "nation," we are all proud and xenophobic and shit.

Demand #2: I want the keys and passcodes to peer. I debated dismissing the admin team outright, but realized that I can’t handle it all on my own and decided to let them stay on under my command. But I require full unfettered access to peer in order to begin cleaning up the crap. Registered members will rejoice to hear that I will immediately end all peer-related IRC connection resets, as well as revoking the admins ability to move threads, delete posts, edit comments, or otherwise fold, spindle, or mutilate our content.

Demand #3: I want stile as moderator of the TLF. He really knows how to run a forum and getting rid of the prior mods to make room for a moderator of stile’s caliber can only make things better.

Demand #4: WastedPotential (and any variation of that nick/ personality, etc.) is banned from all trivia events, forever. WastedP’s new role in trivia related events is as score-keeper and repository of information. Anyone wishing to host a trivia event need only to think of questions and then go get the answers from WastedPotential (he has them, trust me).

Demand #5: Streaming webcams. All you people with cams may need to buy new hardware and upgrade your internet connections, but the current once-a-month update situation is just unacceptable. When we visit the cam page, we should be able to see you in action, not just trapped in some glassy-eyed pose. Streaming webcams will make inter-cam interactions more exciting as well.

Demand #6: This is the only selfish demand I have. I require a new computer, a non-Mac. I know that Macs are the best and will continue to use my current computer, but since so many fools here seem to think that windows and linux machines are better, I figure I should have one. If nothing else, it will enable me to play more games and give me a chance to familiarize myself with these machines so I can better convince fiend and macker that my mac-hine is truly superior. I don’t care if you decide to pool your resources and send me the box or just want to send cash and I’ll buy the computer over here. As long as it is a 25Ghz Pentium Athlon Mega with a terabyte optical RadeoForceX graphics chip, I’m happy.

Demand #7: Free Samples of Store Stock. We can start with the toilet brush, but as additional inventory is added to the store, I want complimentary samples. Forever. This is an ongoing demand.

Demand #8: 15 "demand credits." I can’t think of any more demands right now and my foot is sore from holding MooP down while I type. But I know that there is more that I want and more changes need to be made, so I need guarantees that my future desires (for the good of the Asylum, of course) will be honored and implemented.

That’s it, plain and simple folks. As soon as I get confirmation that these requests are complete, I will return little ‘ole MooP and you can go back to your blissfully ignorant lives. The Asylum will be rejuvenated with this fresh start I am giving it.

A final word of warning: Those who choose to characterize this as a "coup" should refrain from voicing such obviously ignorant and confrontational opinions until these alterations have been implemented. I am not dictatorial or power hungry here. If it should turn out that these changes do not improve the state of the Asylum, I will promptly return it to the condition it was when I took over tried to save you from yourselves.

And don’t try to save MooP without my permission. I have implanted a tiny detonation device that will kill him if he is taken out of range. Only I know the code to disable this device, so any attempt to kill or otherwise disable me or to snatch MooP back would be dreadfully ineffective.