Some of you have been asking me “Paint, we know you are a kick-ass housewife and childcare provider, but how do you keep YOURSELF clean and healthy?

That, my friends, is an excellent question.

I have acquired over my many years of being a drunken slob certain tips on how to keep yourself in tip-top condition.

So without further ado, I give you:

Paint CHiPs’ Guide to Personal Hygiene and Health.

1. When shaving, go against, rather than with, the grain of your back.

2. Although alcohol is indeed a disinfectant, beer is not a healthy substitute for antibiotics.

3. Those white bugs that live in your hair are not there to eat up all the smaller bugs, and no, it is not a “circle of life kinda thing”.

4. If you leave a ring in the tub after showering, you may want to consider showering more often.

5. Ears, despite common sense, need to be cleaned every so often. Failure to do so means you can no longer claim that you must have had a stroke when you lose all hearing in your left ear.

6. If you are considering shaving your head versus cleaning your hair, you may want to consider shaving your pubic area as well.

7. Despite the proclamation on the bottle that it is “all-purpose”, MrClean should not be used in most major body cavities. Maybe you should write the company about that one.

8. Your body is like a temple. Like that old temple in the jungle in the first Indiana Jones movie, all broken down with spider webs and shit in it. And if you try to steal my gold statues, I will drop my big rock on you.

9. I have no idea what #8 means either.

10. Flintstones vitamins and lots of beer are not healthy substitutes for “food”.

11. Heroin is not a good way to “flush out the system”.

12. When sticking a fork in an electrical outlet to pry something loose, make sure you are wearing rubber boots.

13. Bathing only for the sake of other people is not the attitude you want to have, though it is a good start.

14. Do not brush your teeth with shampoo. Or Windex, for that matter. Or bleach.

15. A good way to prevent tobacco stains on your nails is to chew your nails off.

16. Never, ever try to set a broken bone yourself, especially if you have no medical training whatsoever and if the broken bone is yours.

17. Facial hair is a good way to cover up all the sores on your lips.

18. Q-tips are for cleaning your ears. NOT for your eyes, and certainly not to dislodge urethral blockage.

19. Spraying Lysol all over your body is not a good substitute for bathing, no matter how much you want it to be.

20. Wiping your face with the dirty sock you are about to wear does not help make the face or the sock any cleaner.

21. When somebody says, “It’s so clean you could eat off it!” you should still not eat off it. Especially if nobody said that about it in the first place.

22. Do not use bath towels to clean the toilet.

23. No, “Let sleeping cockroaches lie” is not a common phrase. Kill it.

24. The garbage disposal is not a good substitute for a garbage CAN, especially as far as dirty diapers are concerned.

25. A dog, again despite common sense, is no a substitute for a vacuum.

26. If it can be helped, do not cut your own hair. Especially if you are drunk.

27. If you have become attached to the vermin and bugs that live among you, there may be a problem. Your apartment is not a beautiful rainforest ecosystem.

28. You cannot take the seats out of the van.

29. Do not burn trash INSIDE your apartment.

30. If “leftovers” to you is scraping up the dried melted cheese off of dirty dishes, you should at least consider microwaving the shit first.