1. Hurt yourself. Nothing amuses Keith more then my accidentally bashing my head into something. I am not sure as to why this works so well as a way of cheering up little children, but it may have something to do with #11.

2. Teach them many curse words. A colorful vocabulary is essential in this developmental stage. Besides, nothing is cuter then telling a 2 year old to pick something up and having them respond “Fuck off, bitch!” See #14.

3. Kids dig flashing lights. When those cop cars are chasing you after you find $500 (on an old lady), slow down a bit so they stay close. And when they do catch you and begin beating you down, make sure the kid has a full view. See #1.

4. Treat children at this age as you would a stoner of any age. Trust me. See #1-21

5. When they are going to bed in their room, put on a bunch of their movies and play with all their toys. Make sure they can hear. See #16

6. See #7

7. Set things on fire.

8. Children pick up on the speech patterns of their caretakers. Speak sometimes with a Scottish accent, sometimes with a Pakistani one, sometimes with a Louisiana one, and sometimes with a German one. Really screw with their speech development. If you have done this right, by the time they are 12 they will be talking like John Voight in Anaconda.

9. Kids find farting and burping just as funny as you do. Use that fact to bond.

10. Children love to be scared. Walking up behind them and screaming “Boo!” is a joy for them. For that real hearty laughter, chop mommy up into little pieces while the child watches. See #11 and #3.

11. Lock them in a dark closet for an hour or so. Then, when you open the door to release them, shout “PEAK A BOO!”

12. If you have a little boy, dress him up like a girl. If you have a girl, dress her like a whore. Then send them off to school. This is a great way for them to meet people. (Note: works at any age).

13. Children love animals. Take them to the zoo! Children love tigers. Go teach them about tigers while visiting the zoo! Children love to learn with a hands-on approach. They love to touch and feel things. “Let” them play with the tigers. Children love to explore the curious and fascinating world of nature by themselves. While they are learning about tigers at the zoo, be learning about booze at the liquor store down the street on your way home.

14. Train them to fetch things.

15. “Babies don’t cost money, babies MAKE money! Especially those healthy white ones.” ---Strangers With Candy

16. Children love music that has an easy beat and uncomplicated lyrics. The Potty Mouth Sissies are a preschool standard.

17. All kids love Richard Nixon. Wear only your Richard Nixon mask while in the their company. Also, be naked.

18. Kids need and enjoy high protein diets. Two words: bacon grease.

19. When installing a car seat, make sure that the seat belt holding the child safety seat to the car is loose enough so that, on turns, the car seat leans a whole lot. Make a lot of turns.

20. Many children don’t like baths. They can be scary for a 3-year-old. And they can be time consuming and exasperating for the caretaker. Just stick them in the toilet and flush it a few times. Remember though to remove the child from the toilet when they look clean enough. Especially remember to do this before you have explosive diarrhea.

21. Much of children’s television programs is bland and uneducational. Make them watch Charlie Rose instead. When they cry, throw something at them. Like another child.