In case some of you don’t know, the apartment I am currently living in has a lot of problems with its plumbing. Things are always getting stopped up, leaking, whatever. So, being the man around here, it is my charge to try and fix all of these problems. In doing so I have acquired a wealth of knowledge on the subject. Allow me to share some of it with you.

GENERAL

1. When a pipe begins to shake violently and makes a kind of guttural and mechanical sounding howl, abort mission.

2. Black bile coming out of every source of water in the house is a problem best left to professionals (true story, and trust me on this one).

3. If and when you do choose to call a professional, make sure that upon their arrival you explain to them in detail exactly what you have done to try and correct the problem. That way, not only can they undo your damage, but also they will have a right good story to tell the boys back at the office. Oh, and try to get them to say “lay some pipe” as much as possible. Harass them if you must.

4. Wrenches are a plumber’s best friend. To use a wrench, simply place it in the palm of your hand and bang on the pipe with it.

5. Plumbing systems are known for their redundancy. Most parts that you take off of something can simply be thrown out.

6. Just to clear this up, the proper place to vomit is in the TOILET. Okay? Rizz’s friends seem to keep believing it should go in the sink. This is a mistake. I don’t shit in your bathtub do I?

BATHTUB/SHOWER

1. Often times the greatest problem with bathtubs are keeping them clean. I suggest spraying water all over the bathtub to rinse it all off. No other steps are needed. This is known as “showering”.

2. People oft complain that when you flush the toilet, the temperature rises in the shower suddenly and briefly. A good way to remedy this is to render the toilet incapable of flushing (see section TOILETS).

3. Another complaint about showers is that the hot water often runs out before the shower is over. A good way to remedy this is to fix the toilet and have somebody flush it repeatedly.

4. Sometimes, the bathtub starts getting stopped up and then starts regurgitating what looks like black bile. When this occurs, call a priest.

5. If your bathtub DOES start getting stopped up, simply bring a bucket with you when you bathe and empty the undrained water into the toilet (note, the converse of this does not work as well and can be quite unsanitary).

6. A good way to cut down on water bills is to shower-pool. Bring some friends with you next time you bathe.

SINKS

1. Your kitchen sink should have a garbage disposal unit already installed. This is the disposal receptacle for all organic matter in the house, no matter how much your roommates insist to the contrary. Uneaten food, old fruit, body parts, vomit, dead pets, any of these things are all perfectly acceptable candidates for “The Disposer”.

2. Remember however, that most bathroom sinks DO NOT have a disposal unit.

3. In any case, you shouldn’t have any problems with the sink anyway. Sinks are easy. The hard one is the…

TOILET

1. Your girlfriend will get mad at you if you clean the toilet with her towels. But then again, she will get mad if you don’t clean the toilet at all. I don’t get it either.

2. Any problem with a toilet can be solved by doing one of two things:

A: Using a plunger.

B. Jiggling the handle

If you are experiencing a problem that cannot be solved by doing one of those two things, you will have to replace your toilet.

3. If you ever do dare to venture into the tank of the toilet, there are a few things to consider. For one, there is a thing called a “flapper”, a black piece of rubber that regulates water flow into the bowl. Any work that needs to be done on the flapper needs to be done with lightening speed, or you will find yourself need deep in shit in 11 seconds.

4. There is also a part of the toilet called the chain that runs from the handle to the flapper. These sometimes come off of the flapper, and thus the toilet can only be flushed manually (i.e. lifting the flapper by hand). If this occurs to you, you will quickly discover that even though the chain attaches to the flapper with a simple hook, getting the chain back on is akin to solving a Rubik’s cube. And you have to lift the flapper in most cases to do it. Please see TOILETS #3 regarding this.

5. There are also some tubes and things inside the toilet tank. Please disregard these, as they serve no purpose other then storing condoms filled with cocaine.

6. If you have a child of young age in your household, try to keep the seat down. Otherwise, you have to constantly fish out household items as well as your child from the toilet.

7. There has been much debate over the years as to having a man and a woman sharing a bathroom, and whether or not the seat should be kept up or down. My take on it, from a plumbing perspective, is that if we keep the seat down, we have to lift it up to piss. If we keep it down, you have to put it down to piss. Seems an equal amount of unfairness goes into either option. However, most men will in fact not put the seat up to piss regardless of which method you choose, at which point you have to decide if getting piss on your ass constantly outweighs falling into the bowl once every other blue moon. Choose wisely.

8. If your toilet is clogged with a whole bunch of diarrhea, and before you get a chance to use the plunger you are sent to jail for a week, put into mandatory rehab for a month, and then spend a week with your mother, when you come back, do not look in your toilet. Trust me. For the love of Christ, please trust me.

OTHER

1. In some backwards nations, there is something next to the toilet that shoots water up your ass to clean it. In the states, we have something called “toilet paper” that serves the same function. We are working on exporting this marvelous invention sometime in the next five years.

2. Washers and dryers do a terrible job cleaning dishes, but dishwashers do a fantastic job of cleaning clothes. Go figure.