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rodney
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I used to be a circus performer, I was the guy who juggled the chainsaws. I lost my job because of a little accident that cost me my arm. I was walking around checking out the various attractions while on break and decided to check in on my buddy Earl who to this day runs a little ride called "The Zipper." We were joking around about how sometimes somebody will ride on it after having just eaten and throw up all over which inevitably means vomit sprinkling down onto the people below them. He let me in on a little secret which is that when this happens he will let the machine run like that for a few seconds and then switch it to reverse its direction of travel which causes all of the spew to not only churn onto the person that vomited but their friends in the cage with them. There's also the added bonus of some of it working it's way onto the people who were previously in the cage above. All of this talk got me wondering and so I asked him "Well, what do you do when the machine gets stuck?" His reply was slightly disconcerting "I'm just the operator, not a mechanic." Of course now that I had said this the machine made a loud grinding noise and then there was the kind of screech only created by metal scraping against metal. The whole machine seized up and all of the passengers started screaming in sheer terror even though it was obvious they weren't going anywhere. I looked at Earl and he just shrugged. Now, being the kind gentleman that I profess to be I spoke up and told him I had some mechanical experience as well as some knowledge of hydraulics and asked if it wouldn't be too insulting to his manhood if I checked it out. He told me to go right ahead but to make sure I did have anything on that could get caught in the moving parts of the machine. I don't wear jewelry and never have need of a watch so I dove right in. I started looking around at the base where all of the gearing was and noticed a rag caught in a sprocket and chain system that seemed to be jamming everything up. I grabbed the rag and began to pull as hard as I could. Slowly the fabric began to tear and with enough yanking back and forth it came free. The machine quickly began to move again and I started screaming "Earl! Earl! It's got my arm!!!!!!!!!" Earl came running at me like a maniac and with a look of pain on my face I jerked my arm from the darkness and showed him that everything was fine by wiggling all of my fingers. "Got you good, fucker!" I said triumphantly. Earl shoved me against a rail and told me I was an asshole and that I'd better leave before he kicked my ass. I was still laughing which I'm sure he didn't appreciate but conceded to his recommendation.
I had to use the bathroom anyway and I do mean #2. I was headed to the Port-a-Johns when my cell phone began ringing, it was Carla the new girl that had just began work at the concession stand where they specialized in corn dogs. We had been flirting shamelessly for the past few days ever since I caught her and one of the other girls seeing who could get one of the wieners for the corn dogs the furthest down their throat. "Hi, Darlin', how are you?" She spoke sweetly into the phone. "Um, I'm fine, I just need to take care of something real quick, can I call you back?" I replied. By this time I had stepped into the stall and was working on getting my pants off, using both hands to remove my belt and unbutton while holding the phone between my ear and shoulder. "Just what is so important that you can't talk to me right now?" She inquired with a hint of contempt in her voice. "It's, uh.. it's personal." I didn't really want her to know what I was about to do, #2 isn't exactly something most chicks find attractive in the least. "Oh yeah? Personal like that bitch Charlene from The Cyclone? Just what the hell are you doing?!" This was not going well. "Nothing like that, I would never do that to you, it's just I.. Shit! Shit, shit shit!" In mid sentence my phone had fallen from between my neck and shoulder and fell into the toilet. "Why me, God? Why me?" My pants were around my ankles and I was staring at my phone in the bottom of the toilet bowl thinking about how I was going to fix this situation, both with my phone and with Carla. First things first I had to retrieve my phone. I bent over placing my right hand against the back of the stall while reaching in to grab my phone with my left hand. I guess my right hand must have been just above the flush button because the next thing I knew I had slipped and began to fall forward when my right hand hit the flush button and I watched my left arm get sucked into the hole of the toilet. I was totally disgusted and tried to pull my arm out but quickly discovered it was stuck. My arm must have created a really strong suction and I couldn't get it to budge.
I was beside myself and didn't know what to do. Should I yell for help? Would anybody even notice let alone come to the aid of somebody in a Port-A-John yelling like a maniac? Did I really want to bring the embarrassment upon myself? Surely I could figure a way out of this. I put both of my legs against the wall and pushed back with all of my might to no avail. I should have really taken that Spin class I was thinking to myself. "This can't be real, I have to be dreaming this." I repeated to myself and even slapped myself with my free hand but didn't wake up. This was real and I needed fix it. I tried everything I could think of including pushing my arm further into the toilet in an attempt to break the suction but it just got tighter as the trapped blood caused my arm to swell. At one point I was jerking so hard I almost pulled the whole thing over on myself. A while later after I hadn't been able to feel the lower half of my arm for what seemed like ages I gave in and forced the door open hoping somebody would pass by and see my predicament. It was nearly twenty minutes before a man walked by and did a double take. We ended up trying to pull my arm out with our combined might but it was enough and ended up hurting like hell. I felt as though would pull my arm off if we continued and he told me to stay where I was and he'd come back with help, I told him I wouldn't move an inch. Normally this exchange would have been funny but the situation at hand (Ha Ha) drained all of the humor out of it.
I sat ruminating lover my misfortune and finally he arrived with help. The people tried to calm me even though I was far past the point of panic. This was horrible. I could see people pointing and turning away to laugh. "What did I ever do to deserve this?" was all that ran through my mind. Finally after discussing it my "rescuers" decided the best way to break the suction and get me out was to tip the whole thing over. "Once it breaks free from the tank below air will be able to get through and the pressure will be equalized which should release your arm." "Great." Said my inner voice "Now I get to be covered in the shit of God knows how many other people, how can this possibly get worse?" The worst was yet to come. The men pushed and pushed and finally the whole thing began to lean backwards until it flipped over slamming me against the back of the Port-A-John and audibly snapping my arm. I didn't get much time to consider the pain as I was quickly coated in disease heavy feces. Somebody had been eating cashews.. A couple of guys threw a large blanket over me and pulled me free from the toilet. They began to spray me with a hose and I turned so they could spray my arm so I could see the damage. I couldn't move my arm or even really feel it except where the break was but from just above my elbow to the tips of my fingers was completely white. I sat down wrapped in the blanket, still covered in shit and freezing cold staring at my arm. The paramedics finally arrived and walked me over to their van where they gave me a look over. One of the medics looked at my arm and then looked at me and said "I know you really don't want to hear this but you're probably going to lose that arm.." I looked down at my lap, avoiding eye contact as well as conversation and didn't say anything the entire ride to the hospital.
Once I had been cleaned up the one of the doctors came up to me and told me I had broken my humerus bone in several places and that due to the loss of blood flow for such an extended period of time the flesh below my elbow was effectively dead. Amputation would be necessary to prevent infection. I would no longer be able to continue juggling chainsaws or really anything I had previously done. My life was more or less over. Even worse, because my insurance company refused to cover the costs I would owe a rather large amount of money in medical bills. After months of physical therapy I was able to obtain a job bagging groceries. When life is as funny as you think it can possibly get somebody sends in even more clowns. The only advantage to my job is that my hook causes the customers to pity me and so they tip me very well. I'm still paying off my medical bills. Sometimes I'm afraid to use the bathroom because I don't want to start crying, but I guess if a grown man is going to cry he may as well do it in the privacy of a bathroom.
I edited this to make it slightly more readable as well as corrected a few errors but for the most part it was something I just typed out real quick. Deal with it.
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