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The Cheesewhore Chronicles
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Continuing in the theme of my blogs...
It was my senior year of college. I was still living in the dorms (mostly due to the really nice ethernet connection). I had a habit of leaving the door open while I was in, partly because I like watching people, but also for some weird hope that someone might want to talk to me.
One day I was doing something on the computer, I think chatting in #wota, when I heard a knock on the door. I looked up to see a very attractive young blonde standing there. I recognized her as a freshman in the dorms, as I'd passed by her a few times, but never spoken to her. I went to the door and said hi, and asked her what she wanted (nicely, though). She seemed really nervous, but she was smiling, and she gave me a blow pop. Confused, I asked her what it was for, but she didn't say anything, just shook her head. I asked if she was giving them out to everyone (sometimes people would do that, for some purpose or another). She again shook her head. After about 10 minutes of standing there trying to figure out what it was all about, I eventually just thanked her and sat back down, and she left.
Skip forward about a week or so, I get a knock on the door. I open it to see her standing there again. I ask her what's up, and she starts talking about a couple parking tickets she had gotten. I express my sympathies, and we chatted for a bit, but I was really confused as to why she was knocking on my door about it. I was beginning to suspect that she might be interested in me, but as it was around the end of my senior year, and I was planning on going home after graduation, I told myself I didn't really want to complicate things with a relationship or some such bullshit. Anyway, I told that to myself and put her out of my mind.
Another week or so later, and I run into her on my way back from dinner. She was on her way out to dinner, and asked if I wanted to join her. Had I not just eaten, I probably would have agreed. I'm still not quite sure why I didn't at least keep her company while she ate, but I didn't. I did feel a little guilty on that respect, as I was at that point almost certain she liked me, though I could not (and still can't) think of any reason why, given that we'd never really spoken before she started showing up at my door, and I'm not exactly the sort that can attract girls on my looks alone.
She may have tried one more time before graduation, but I can't remember for certain.
After graduation, when I was moving my things out of the dorm, she showed up and said hi, and offered to help. The picture below was taken then. Since I couldn't fit it in my car, I gave her my fridge. I also gave her my home address, and she gave me hers (and her phone number). And then I left.
Last May, she sent me an invitation to her graduation party, which dad forwarded to me here in CA. As it was the day I was already scheduled to fly home, I called her to let her know I couldn't make it to the party. We talked for a while, catching up, and (surprisingly) she was still interested in me. Dad had suggested I fly out to visit her over the weekend before I flew home, and she also suggested something similar while we spoke, but for whatever reason I'm still not quite sure of, I didn't want to. So I just wished her well and congratulated her on graduation, and haven't spoken with her since.
Even now I'm not entirely sure why I kept ignoring her very clear interest in me. She's a very sweet girl, and undeniably attractive. I just kept coming up with reasons not to make a move, and I know (and even then I knew) that they were complete bullshit. And that's why I probably regret my behavior with regards to Robin more than any other.
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No, I'm not dead. I just have rather limited internet access. It's amazing what an Xbox 360, satellite tv, and work can do to pass the time.
As for work... I'm volunteering at a nonprofit organization called the South Carolina Centers for Equal Justice. They provide free legal services for civil non-fee generating cases for clients who cannot afford to pay for an attorney. They also do divorces and child custody in cases of physical abuse and habitual intoxication. Although that's supposed to be just a small part of what they do, it turns out to constitute about 90% of the caseload. Fortunately, there is another nonprofit in the area that helps abused women obtain orders of protection, or we'd probably be doing those all the time too.
I was amazed at the sheer amount of domestic violence cases we get, and some of the stories I hear are almost sickening. Of course, we've got acouple male clients whose wives are falsely claiming domestic violence just to get their way (and it sometimes works). The attorneys I work with joke that by the end of the summer I'll be a top-notch divorce lawyer. It's somewhat ironic that I'm getting so much experience in the field that from the start I knew I wanted to stay out of. And it's a little disheartening to realize that I probably won't see the end of most of the cases I'm working on by the time I leave.
But even in that field, I'm learning a lot about the practical side of lawyering. So far they've had me drafting pleadings, motions, affadavits, and discovery documents, just to name a few. I've filed papers with the court, served some defendants by mail, witnessed the signing of a will or two, and accompanied the attorneys to several court hearings and a couple settlement negotiations. Not to mention dealing with clients. We get the full range, from college educated people who are just down on their luck to homeless illiterates who you can smell as soon as they step off the elevator. Fortunately, the latter have been few and far between.
And we do get the occasional non-divorce matter. Consumer credit and real estate fraud are some of the more interesting ones.
All in all I'm enjoying the work and learning a lot. It's a friendly office and everyone's really helpful when I'm confused.
Aside from work, I've been hanging out with my friend Robert and his girlfriend during the weekends. I got back on Harley week, so we hit the biker bars and took pictures and such. I'll get them posted when I get a chance, but it might take a while.
I met up with Jess once so far, during the first week I got back. Today's her birthday, and I tried to call her, but the phone number I had doesn't work anymore. She'd mentioned something about losing it, so it's not a big surprise, but I don't know how to contact her anymore. Oh well, it's not like that was going anywhere anyways.
So all in all, the summer's going along okay. One of these days I might manage to fix the router and be able to get online on my own computer. Until I do, don't expect to see too much of me, but I'll try to drop in now and again.
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On Sunday, I got an email from my ex-girlfriend Jessica. Just a basic, "Hi, how are you? If you want to give me a call, here's my number."
Now, just a little background, since I've not written about Jessica to any particular degree. The short short version is she's dumped me twice, gone through several "I'm not talking to you" periods, and generally driven me mad. The problem is, I just never seem to get over her. Every time, I swear that I've written her off, but the next time she calls, I just fall right back in.
So, it's more or less the same this time. I called her yesterday mostly because I was really bored, and we ended up talking for a few hours. She called again today, and we talked for another couple hours. This time I'm aware of what's going on, and I can watch myself falling into the same old habits like I always do when I'm around her.
But this time, there's something different. Unlike all the other times, I don't actually have any real underlying hope of getting back together with her. I'm mostly just looking for a friend this time, and I'm comfortable around her. Quite simply, I know, both from experience and knowledge of certain circumstances I'd rather not go into, that any relationship between us would never work out. I'm not sure I'd even want one at this point. The reason I keep falling for her (or never really got over her), is pretty simple. The times we were together make up most of the very few times in my life I've actually been happy. Now, I know that I'll never be able to recapture that feeling, so I'm content being her friend, knowing that we still care about each other.
I still want a real girlfriend, though. Just... someone else.
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I met Chris my senior year in high school. I was taking calculus classes at Coastal Carolina University for dual credit, and she was in my class. I'm not exactly sure how we started talking, but I quickly found that she was someone I could comfortably talk to for hours on end without running out of topics or tiring of her company. We would often just stand in the parking lot after class and talk about whatever. Considering I'm not a particularly social or talkative person, this is noteworthy. In fact, I think she's the only person I've ever known that I've been that comfortable talking with. And I really can't explain why.
I suppose it should also be noted that there was absolutely no sexual tension or romantic interest in the relationship. Admittedly, she's a very attractive girl, and I'd be lying if I said I'd never had sexual thoughts about her. But it never really mattered, as I never felt uncomfortable as I would around girls I was actually interested in. She was just a friend, and that was all I really wanted.
After I graduated from high school and left for college, we sort of lost touch (this is a common thing with me). However, when I came home on break (I think it was either summer my first year or winter my second year, but I'm not certain), I found out that my friend Robert had found a LARP (eww) Vampire game. As several people both of us knew were playing it, Robert invited me to a coffee shop where they were discussing their plans for the next game (in hopes of convincing me to join). To my surprise, when we arrived I saw Chris at the table. I realized how much I'd missed our conversations and such, and we ended up chatting for quite some time. Because Robert had a crush on her, I think he was a little jealous over that.
I found out that night that she worked at a store in the mall, and (luckily) it wasn't one that minded if I hung around the store and chatted with her. Obviously, I tried not to interfere with her work, so it was never a problem. So I would drop by often, for long periods of time, such that many customers started thinking that I worked there.
Sometime around Christmas I got dumped by Jessica. The exact details are best left to another discussion, but the short version is that a little after New Years Jessica started up going out with Robert. This was, needless to say, not a good situation for me. It not only strained my friendship with Robert, but was like twisting a knife in the wound left by Jessica. To cheer me up, Chris invited me on a "not-a-date," as we called it. We caught a movie, grabbed dinner, and went back to her apartment to watch more movies till something like 4 or 5 in the morning. Somewhat typical date stuff, but it was understood that there was nothing beyond friendship in our relationship. It stands out as one of my favorite memories nonetheless. Anyway, it worked to cheer me up for the most part.
Then, right before I heading back to school, Robert invited me to go out with him and Jessica for a farewell party or something. That seemed rather awkward, as I really didn't want to spend the night watching my ex and my best friend playing lovey-dovey in front of me. So, I asked Chris to come along as my "date." Again, it was understood that it was just to ease the awkwardness and no romantic meaning was intended. After some amount of begging, I managed to convince her to come along. In my opinion, that showed what a great friend she was (even if it doesn't come across well in retelling). She played the part incredibly well that night, and considering Robert's continuing crush on her, it was rather gratifying that he felt at least a little of what I'd been feeling. (Incidentally Jessica dumped him less than a week after I left. Again, the explanation is best left for another time.)
After that, every time I came home from school I'd try to drop in on her store and chat with her when I could. However, one summer (I forget which) she disappeared for a while. When she finally returned, I learned that she'd attempted suicide (because her roommate was driving her nuts or something) and had been in mental treatment for a while. But she assured me that she was now on "happy pills" and things were fine. This has nothing to do with anything other than further supporting my belief that almost all the women I know have serious mental issues.
So, yeah. After a while (I'm unsure of the specifics as I only learned of things as I came and went from school), her job went for a few months without scheduling her for work, so she started working at a bookstore instead. They were less forgiving of her stopping to chat with me, but I could still drop in and say hi occasionally, at least. Then apparently she left town for a while applying to some job actually related to her degree. By the next time I saw her (about a year later), I learned she'd gotten married. Her husband is actually quite cool, and we got along rather well the one time I met him.
After that, we caught a couple movies together, but since I no longer had any easy way of getting in touch with her, we sort of drifted apart. I haven't talked to her in well over a year now. I miss her.
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Around September a couple years ago, I was hanging out with my friend Robert. We were walking by a gas station when he recognized a girl, Miranda, who used to visit where he worked because she had been dating one of his coworkers. At this point she had broken up with him, and Robert started talking with her. Some of you may be aware of this already, but I am not good at talking with people I don't know. Surprisingly, I was able to participate in the conversation with her nonetheless. We talked for about 2 or 3 hours just standing in the parking lot of the gas station before we decided we were hungry and decided to go to Denny's for some food.
After eating, the three of us ended up coming back to my house to play pool. At this point I think I realized that Robert was really interested in her. I of course couldn't blame him, as she was a pretty girl with a lot of energy and a friendly personality. Actually I found her quite attractive myself, but me being me, I decided to stay out of his way. We played pool till around 3 or 4 in the morning, at which point Robert agreed to take Miranda home.
I later learned he took her to his home, and apparently something happened which royally screwed his chances with her. I never got the specifics, but after that she would only refer to him with insults and scorn. She and I, however, seemed to get along quite well, and I'm always happy to make new friends. Yes, that's really how I saw it.
Skip forward a week or so, Miranda had just bought a DVD and wanted to come over and watch it with me. It turned out she brought two movies, and we also watched another from my collection. I think I first got the hint that "friends" wasn't what she had in mind when she started cuddling up with me while we were watching the movie. She said something along the lines of not being able to "read" me, going on to explain that with most guys she could tell whether they were interested in her or not quite easily, but she really couldn't tell with me. I assured her that I was interested, and so the relationship seemed to have gotten started.
Skip forward to mid-late October, we'd gone out a few times, but mostly had just been hanging out together. She had come over to the house, and we were playing pool. Later, Dad and one of his girlfriends joined us, and over the course of the night we played pool and poker and ended up getting quite drunk. Since none of us were in any shape to drive, it was decided she would have to stay the night. And she opted to share my bed, but only after my assurance that we'd just be sleeping. As we were going to sleep, she asked for a kiss, and one thing led to another, so we started fooling around a bit. But since I was drunk and aware that she was even more drunk than me, and remembering the promise, I stopped it before we went much further. Yeah, I know, stupid.
I saw her maybe once or twice after that before she started avoiding me. She wouldn't come to see me, but when we talked on the phone she assured me everything was fine, but always had some reason or another not to see me. This lasted a month, and when she finally decided to talk to me again, she explained that she had been thinking I really wasn't interested in her, and that I should be more assertive with her.
Things were fine for a while, I even made one attempt at the "assertiveness" thing. Too bad the timing was bad and she was on her period (though I only learned that quite some time later). So after getting shot down, I hardly had the confidence to try again, but at least we were still getting along fine. Or so I thought, but I've never been good at this sort of stuff.
Around February, she went back to avoiding me. For the first week or so, she did as before, denying the avoidance, being nice on the phone but always having excuses why she couldn't see me. After the second week, she stopped returning my calls or answering at all, so I just gave up and figured she didn't want to see me anymore. (I am still slightly miffed she didn't tell me straight out.)
Skip forward almost a year, I ran into her as I was leaving work. Apparently her sister worked in the store next to me, and she was waiting to pick her up. We chatted for about a half hour till her sister got off. Miranda had apparently gone back to her ex-boyfriend for a while, not for long, and had some other issues in her life (life goes on, obviously). I do think I said something rather callous at one point, but I was kinda pissed over the way we'd separated. When her sister got off, we said bye and left.
Skip forward a couple months, I had just started hanging out with my ex-girlfriend Jessica's circle of friends. It's hard to explain, and since it's irrelevant to the story, I won't. As it happens, one of her friends happened to know Miranda, and mentioned having invited her that night but she'd had to work. Jessica and I exchanged looks and I commented how it's just as well she couldn't come, since as far as I knew she was pissed at me.
So a couple days later, I got a call from Miranda. She'd heard about me from the friend, and for some reason decided she wanted to see me. She came over and we talked for a while about what went wrong in our relationship and such. Apparently, my lack of assertiveness in the relationship made her feel that I really didn't like her, so she started avoiding me and thought I'd be happier finding someone else. Or something like that.
Somewhere along the lines of the discussion she'd moved from the chair in my room to sitting beside me in bed. And we somehow started play-wrestling and ended up heavy petting, but for some reason I really can't explain (stupidity?), I once again stopped it before we went any further.
After it all, I think the second rejection really was the final straw. She went back into avoidance-denial mode, and I didn't see her again before I left for LA.
For some reason, I was just caught up thinking of her today and felt like writing that. Unlike my memories with Lauren, which seemed like a big continuous blur of everyday friendship, my relationship with Miranda was more of a series of distinct events (not all of them listed here, however) punctuated with lack of direct contact. Even those times when she wasn't avoiding me, we didn't really get to see each other all that often.
I do have to admit that my relationship with Miranda is one of my biggest regrets, mostly because I have no excuse or good explanation as to why I did much of what I did to hurt her. She really is a wonderful person, and my only consolation is that she deserved much better than me anyway.
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When I moved to Myrtle Beach in seventh grade, I had a hard time making friends. I've always had that problem, actually. Anyway, during recess about a week after I moved, I was hanging around alone when group of three girls came up to me. They introduced themselves as Lauren, Mary Frances, and Courtney. I quickly became friends with them, and spent most of my free time at school with them.
Because Lauren was the one who was in most of my classes, I spent the most time with her. She was smart, funny, and had a bit of a quirky personality. The sort of girl who wore tacky shirts and loose neckties, and would use phrases like "spiffy" and "neato" in everyday conversation.
While many people seem to believe that male-female friendships don't really exist, that it's just a guy who got stuck in the "Friend Zone" or something, I never really thought about going out with any of them. At least, not originally. But eventually, because I spent so much time with Lauren, students being the nosy creatures they are, we were suddenly pestered with, "are you two going out?" or, "you two ought to go out." Both of us always responded with "we're just friends." Obviously, that didn't do anything to help.
Around the end of eighth grade, there was a school dance. I went alone, but ended up, as usual, spending most of my time with those three girls. Surprisingly, both of her friends kept insisting (whenever she wasn't around) that she really liked me and wanted me to ask her to dance. I'm not sure why, but I doubted them. So I put off asking her till the last dance, and right as I was going of doing so, a girl who lived next to me at the time came up and requested the dance. As I doubted Lauren would accept anyway, and this girl was quite attractive, I accepted. Things never went anywhere with that girl either, but this isn't about her.
So, things with Lauren continued unchanged into high school. I spent lunches with them, and whenever I had classes with Lauren I'd sit near her. Rumors and such continued about us, but we both stuck with the "We're just friends" responses. By this time I was starting to think I might want to go out with her, but she still seemed uninterested in me except as a friend. I didn't want to ruin a perfectly good friendship, so I just let it go.
Then one day in tenth grade in history class, someone made a comment about the two of us, and Lauren just sort of snapped. She declared very flatly (and somewhat indignantly) that there was nothing between us whatsoever, told me that she had no intention of going out with me and asked if I wanted to go out with her. Put like that, I really couldn't help but respond negatively.
After that, I ended up keeping my distance from her and we never really talked much after that. I do slightly regret that now what stands out most in my mind when I think of her was being flatly rejected without ever asking her out, and I greatly regret losing a good friend out of the whole ordeal.
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Okay, I've come across a rather interesting dilemma. Right now, I'm a biology major at Arizona State University. My hobby, for those of you who aren't aware, is 3D graphics. I've been doing it for a few years now, and I've gotten pretty good, at least according to what people tell me. I've never taken any art classes, so everything I can do I taught myself or learned from tutorials or by asking people at the 3D Commune. Anyway, I was talking to Morgana a couple weeks ago, and she asked me why I don't just do computer graphics and animation for a living. I mean, do I really want to go through 4 more years of school after I finish college (which will be another 2 and a half years anyway)? I've always wanted to be a doctor of some sort or another, and right now the field that most interests me is dentistry. This graphics thing was just something I started to do for fun. I mean, I love doing it, and I love creating pictures and models, but I never really felt that I would do anything with it. It's just a hobby. But if I could actually make a living doing 3D graphics/animation, something I enjoy, that would make my life so much better. Here are a couple images to give you a sense of what I can do. I figure, if I do suck at it, there's no point in considering a graphics career anyway, right? (As a side note, the pictures featured here were chosen by Morgana, so I'm trusting her judgement in this matter). Just click the thumbs to see a larger pic.    
 
Now, the problem is that I don't know exactly how much of a living I can actually make as a computer graphics artist. From people I've spoken to on the 3D Commune, it's not really an easy field to break into, and a number of the artists I talk to are having financial problems. On the other hand, I have no guarantee that I'll make it into dental school (though my 4.0 average should help...), or if I'll even want to stick with it once I'm there. I really want to have some financial security, but I'm not really sure I want to get stuck in a job that I'll hate going to every day. I'm not really sure about this, but I think my plan will be to stick with the biology degree, and keep an eye out for a computer graphics job. If I can find a decent one, I'll give it a try. If I can't find one, or I decide I don't like it, I'll still have the biology degree, and I can then go for dental school. (Oh yeah, as a side note, Morgana tells me I'm an impersonal bastard. I don't think I'm in much of a position to argue. I think this comes from writing way too many college papers...and I'm only in my second year. English papers, sociology papers, literature papers, lab reports, etc. Well, suffice to say I can write a decent academic paper, but my writing style is now extremely impersonal and pretty much devoid of interest. Such is life.)
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