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Thinking of Miranda
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Around September a couple years ago, I was hanging out with my friend Robert. We were walking by a gas station when he recognized a girl, Miranda, who used to visit where he worked because she had been dating one of his coworkers. At this point she had broken up with him, and Robert started talking with her. Some of you may be aware of this already, but I am not good at talking with people I don't know. Surprisingly, I was able to participate in the conversation with her nonetheless. We talked for about 2 or 3 hours just standing in the parking lot of the gas station before we decided we were hungry and decided to go to Denny's for some food.
After eating, the three of us ended up coming back to my house to play pool. At this point I think I realized that Robert was really interested in her. I of course couldn't blame him, as she was a pretty girl with a lot of energy and a friendly personality. Actually I found her quite attractive myself, but me being me, I decided to stay out of his way. We played pool till around 3 or 4 in the morning, at which point Robert agreed to take Miranda home.
I later learned he took her to his home, and apparently something happened which royally screwed his chances with her. I never got the specifics, but after that she would only refer to him with insults and scorn. She and I, however, seemed to get along quite well, and I'm always happy to make new friends. Yes, that's really how I saw it.
Skip forward a week or so, Miranda had just bought a DVD and wanted to come over and watch it with me. It turned out she brought two movies, and we also watched another from my collection. I think I first got the hint that "friends" wasn't what she had in mind when she started cuddling up with me while we were watching the movie. She said something along the lines of not being able to "read" me, going on to explain that with most guys she could tell whether they were interested in her or not quite easily, but she really couldn't tell with me. I assured her that I was interested, and so the relationship seemed to have gotten started.
Skip forward to mid-late October, we'd gone out a few times, but mostly had just been hanging out together. She had come over to the house, and we were playing pool. Later, Dad and one of his girlfriends joined us, and over the course of the night we played pool and poker and ended up getting quite drunk. Since none of us were in any shape to drive, it was decided she would have to stay the night. And she opted to share my bed, but only after my assurance that we'd just be sleeping. As we were going to sleep, she asked for a kiss, and one thing led to another, so we started fooling around a bit. But since I was drunk and aware that she was even more drunk than me, and remembering the promise, I stopped it before we went much further. Yeah, I know, stupid.
I saw her maybe once or twice after that before she started avoiding me. She wouldn't come to see me, but when we talked on the phone she assured me everything was fine, but always had some reason or another not to see me. This lasted a month, and when she finally decided to talk to me again, she explained that she had been thinking I really wasn't interested in her, and that I should be more assertive with her.
Things were fine for a while, I even made one attempt at the "assertiveness" thing. Too bad the timing was bad and she was on her period (though I only learned that quite some time later). So after getting shot down, I hardly had the confidence to try again, but at least we were still getting along fine. Or so I thought, but I've never been good at this sort of stuff.
Around February, she went back to avoiding me. For the first week or so, she did as before, denying the avoidance, being nice on the phone but always having excuses why she couldn't see me. After the second week, she stopped returning my calls or answering at all, so I just gave up and figured she didn't want to see me anymore. (I am still slightly miffed she didn't tell me straight out.)
Skip forward almost a year, I ran into her as I was leaving work. Apparently her sister worked in the store next to me, and she was waiting to pick her up. We chatted for about a half hour till her sister got off. Miranda had apparently gone back to her ex-boyfriend for a while, not for long, and had some other issues in her life (life goes on, obviously). I do think I said something rather callous at one point, but I was kinda pissed over the way we'd separated. When her sister got off, we said bye and left.
Skip forward a couple months, I had just started hanging out with my ex-girlfriend Jessica's circle of friends. It's hard to explain, and since it's irrelevant to the story, I won't. As it happens, one of her friends happened to know Miranda, and mentioned having invited her that night but she'd had to work. Jessica and I exchanged looks and I commented how it's just as well she couldn't come, since as far as I knew she was pissed at me.
So a couple days later, I got a call from Miranda. She'd heard about me from the friend, and for some reason decided she wanted to see me. She came over and we talked for a while about what went wrong in our relationship and such. Apparently, my lack of assertiveness in the relationship made her feel that I really didn't like her, so she started avoiding me and thought I'd be happier finding someone else. Or something like that.
Somewhere along the lines of the discussion she'd moved from the chair in my room to sitting beside me in bed. And we somehow started play-wrestling and ended up heavy petting, but for some reason I really can't explain (stupidity?), I once again stopped it before we went any further.
After it all, I think the second rejection really was the final straw. She went back into avoidance-denial mode, and I didn't see her again before I left for LA.
For some reason, I was just caught up thinking of her today and felt like writing that. Unlike my memories with Lauren, which seemed like a big continuous blur of everyday friendship, my relationship with Miranda was more of a series of distinct events (not all of them listed here, however) punctuated with lack of direct contact. Even those times when she wasn't avoiding me, we didn't really get to see each other all that often.
I do have to admit that my relationship with Miranda is one of my biggest regrets, mostly because I have no excuse or good explanation as to why I did much of what I did to hurt her. She really is a wonderful person, and my only consolation is that she deserved much better than me anyway.
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