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Why do I keep doing this to myself?
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On Sunday, I got an email from my ex-girlfriend Jessica. Just a basic, "Hi, how are you? If you want to give me a call, here's my number."
Now, just a little background, since I've not written about Jessica to any particular degree. The short short version is she's dumped me twice, gone through several "I'm not talking to you" periods, and generally driven me mad. The problem is, I just never seem to get over her. Every time, I swear that I've written her off, but the next time she calls, I just fall right back in.
So, it's more or less the same this time. I called her yesterday mostly because I was really bored, and we ended up talking for a few hours. She called again today, and we talked for another couple hours. This time I'm aware of what's going on, and I can watch myself falling into the same old habits like I always do when I'm around her.
But this time, there's something different. Unlike all the other times, I don't actually have any real underlying hope of getting back together with her. I'm mostly just looking for a friend this time, and I'm comfortable around her. Quite simply, I know, both from experience and knowledge of certain circumstances I'd rather not go into, that any relationship between us would never work out. I'm not sure I'd even want one at this point. The reason I keep falling for her (or never really got over her), is pretty simple. The times we were together make up most of the very few times in my life I've actually been happy. Now, I know that I'll never be able to recapture that feeling, so I'm content being her friend, knowing that we still care about each other.
I still want a real girlfriend, though. Just... someone else.
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