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dammit
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is this better stuck here? salvaging my post from lost forum, 'ever lost your independence?'
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oh dammit dammit.
thank you clever.
things will never be the same again. here we go.
hope this is useful.
my poor poor mother was a lonely, lost and confused woman. my globetrotting daddy uprooted her from sweden, a round-the-world honeymoon, me conceived en route to crashing in england. suddenly mummy got scared of life -- terrified. i'm an only child. she clung on to me so tight i was asphyxiating. she collapsed herself into a wheelchair and never bothered to learn more than very basic english. isolated herself. while daddy buckled down and provided, i was being straitjacketed into mummy's little helper role. claustrophobia was setting in.
at 12 years i was diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder (mpd) and hyperactivity disorder. hectic, i called it. bouncing off the fucking walls. doc and mum started trying to ram meds down me. but WTF -- mum was the real crazy. i said NOOOOOOO to meds. i just instinctively knew that whatever this thing was in me, it was a part of me. and i needed to ride it, explore it, love it. not take a sledgehammer to it. so i ran away at 13, onto a train to london. visions of myself raped and mutilated all over the queen's garden. lucky me, i met a saint-juggler-musician who introduced me to squatland. lots and lots of long stories.
it's been a total helter-skelter. scary and so beautiful. it still is. somewhere in all the chaos i know i must have made a decision to not be like mum (rest her troubled soul). i am daddy's girl. i had to get out. i like scary things. they make me feel alive.
i also decided i have no time for doctors' diagnoses, experts and other-people's labels. squatland introduced me to 'alternative therapies'. combining energised meditation, yoga, chemicals. clever, do you know about kundalini?? research suggests a minority of people are born with excess kundalini flow. if you don't deal with it, learn to guide and temper it, it short-circuits your neurons. sound familiar? yes i consider myself a 'kundalini child'. don't laugh. read up.
i'm wigging out only about twice a year now. that seems normal around here -- just i feel i'm better prepared than most people. i'm feeling it's all a ritual. still as unpredictable as ever. i love it. indepedence is the hardest, scariest, most rewarding thing.
ahhhh. press submit.
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