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I feel like humiliating myself.
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It's amazing how a connected series of events, and what you think is an innocuous gesture, can somehow bring your world crashing down around you. This is the story of my fall.
I had won an eBay auction of some Magic cards from the local supplier. This is also where I (used to) game. So I go to the shop to pick up my recently won cards. My evening is free (big shocker there) so I ask Chris what's going on tonight. He says that Jeff is coming down to run a Vampire game. I ask if it's cool to sit in and he says Jeff shouldn't have a problem with it. So I'm sitting there waiting for people to show up and then it's myself, Chris, Jeff, and Kindra.
Kindra is the sister of a friend I had been thinking about asking out. We had been hanging out a bit again and I was becoming attracted to her. I had decided a few weeks prior that I was going to deviate from my normal course of being attracted and doing nothing about it. By around the end of the session (I had to leave around 9:30 because I had work the next morning) I had finally worked up what little courage I have and decided to ask her. Because we were still gaming at the time I didn't want to be rude by asking her to step aside for a minute, so we exchanged messages on a piece of paper.
This is pretty much the entire conversation:
Me: Hey, you got anything going on Friday or Saturday?
Her: No.
Me: Want to see a movie?
Her: Sure.
Me: Friday or Saturday?
Her: Friday.
Me: Lincoln or Beatrice?
Her: Beatrice. What's playing?
Me: I don't know, but I can check. Call me on my cell tomorrow around 4:00.
Her: Okay.
I then left and went to bed. For once in my pathetic life I actually felt good about myself. I had a date for Friday (my first in nearly four or five years). I didn't care if our relationship went nowhere farther than where we already were. I had just made an attempt at defeating one of my demons, and my first step was a success. For those that don't know: I have an intense fear of relationships and rejection. It's a product of the abusive relationship my parents had and my total lack of self-confidence.
So the next day I come home from work and dink around the house until about 5:00. I decide to head down to the shop and see what's going on. I figured Jeff would probably be down to do another Vampire session, so I was stoked on that. Kindra hadn't called me, but I didn't think anything of it. She could have forgotten, or maybe she was busy. Whatever. Jeff was already there when I got there. To pass the time a bit I picked up a copy of the D&D 3.5 DM Guide and started reading from it. After a bit I got bored and put the book back up on the shelf I had gotten it from. It's not exactly the most exciting book to ever be printed.
Jeff then gets up from the table and asks me to go outside with him. I'm ask if this is a good walk or a bad walk. He says that depends. I figure he's either going to counsel me on how I played my character last night (when I play Vampire I play a Malkavian, and I tend to get a bit annoying), or I was about to get in trouble for asking Kindra out (that little voice in my head that reminds me how worthless I am sent me that one). We walk around the building to the alley and he says to me:
I don't know how else to say this: you need to back off and give Kindra some space.
That little voice in my head did a little triumphant dance at this point.
I asked him what he meant by that, at which point he reminded me about the situation going on with a couple of other guys (they both want her and are being creepy about it). He says something about Kindra being very fragile right now. And then he accuses me of stalking her.
He. Fucking. Accused. Me. Of. Stalking. Her.
He said that the only reason I was down at the shop the day before was because I knew she was coming, and that the only reason I was there today was because I knew she was coming. I tried to explain to him that I was down there yesterday because I was picking up some cards I won on eBay (the ones I reminded him were sitting on the table in front of me in plain view the whole time we were gaming), and that I was down there today because I didn't want to sit alone in my apartment all afternoon and wanted to game if there was gaming to be done. He brushed all that aside and then told me that I needed to knock it off or I was going to be just as bad as those guys.
I then flat out asked him if Kindra had said anything to him about being uncomfortable around me. He said no. I asked if she said anything that night to indicate that my asking her to a movie was an unwanted advance. Again he said no.
At this point we go back inside. Kindra then comes to the store. I tried to hang out for some gaming, but I was so angry at Jeff that I had to leave. I tried to cover my sudden retreat by purchasing the copy of the DM guide I had been reading and muttering something about having things to do at home.
Yep. Lame.
I then did something that I now deeply regret:
I sent an e-mail to Chris informing him that I wasn't going to be coming to the shop for an undetermined amount of time and gave the reason why. In hindsight it wasn't the brightest idea, but at the time to say that I wasn't thinking straight would be like saying the sun is warm.
I have now e-mailed Chris twice trying to at least get some information as to what happened between Tuesday night and Wednesday afternoon, but he appears to be ignoring my e-mails.
And so in less than 24 hours I have managed to alienate myself. I have reduced myself to less than nothing. And now I'm telling the internet all about it.
Hawley would be quite right to quip about my failure at life.
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