Now, where was I? . . . Oh. Senior citizen discounts. Well, actually, some of 'em ain't so bad. Take the local theatre--they charge senior citizens the matinee price ALL the time, which is a coupla bucks off the regular price. Maybe they figure we can't stay awake to make it past matinee time, anyway. Hell, it don't matter.

What does chap my ever-luvin' ass is the price o' their concessions. I mean, JEEBUS H. GOLDSTEIN, III!! They can kiss my wrinkled behind if they think I'm gonna fork over five dollars fer a big coke and another five fer a tub o' popcorn! Hell, candy's three to five bucks a pop; if'n you want a microwaved hot dog, that's ANOTHER five friggin' Georges. Damn. Highway robbery.

Well, no way, Jose'. Me 'n' that jackass Wonderaz do like to take in a flick from time to time at our local bijou, but we go prepared. No problem to tuck a can o' sodie pop and a sack or two o' peanuts in the ol' coat pockets an' just slide on in like you own the place.

Wonder liked to complain, though, that his sodie pop got too warm fer his likin' by the time he made it inside. On top o' that, he'd start whinin' about eatin' peanuts whenever he'd get a whiff o' someone munchin' on one o' those tasty, microwaved hot dogs. One day, he decided he'd had enough and took some action. . .

That jackass decided to go "hi-tech".

There's folk in this world who are so damn cheap, they'll spend a dime to save a nickle, so to speak. His jackassedness is one o' them folk.

Ol' Wonderaz got busy. He gathered up an old wheelchair, a couple o' car batteries, some other odds 'n' ends, and built himself a rollin', do-it-yourself, bijou-deli. I'll hand this much to him--he worked like a sharecropper. He finally got it finished, so I went with him to give 'er a spin. It just so happend it was openin' night for "The Titanic".

The irony.

Oh, our local bijou was jam-packed. We made it in okay, and because the jackass was in a wheelchair, we got to pull into one of those special handicap seating areas they have carved outta the seats these days. I must admit, it was pretty nice, havin' all that room to stretch, etc., especially in a sold-out house like that evenin' was.

Anyway, when the lights went down, ol' Wonderaz went to work whippin' up a most righteous feast. He had a compact refrigerated ice compartment on one side and a little bitty microwave oven on the other side. 'Tween his legs was the hot nacho cheese crock pot. Of course, hot dogs, links and sodie pops were stashed in the refrigerated ice compartment; chips, buns, candy, nuts and other essentials were stuffed in various pouches arranged here 'n' there around the chair. Man, all that weight put quite a strain on those old wheel spokes, 'specially when that jackass sat his lardass down. But, it held.

Everything went peachy-keen fer a little while; I was suckin' down a cold, frosty root beer, in between bites of some cheese nachos, a pretzel and a steamin' hot-link on a warm bun, drippin' with mustard and covered with onions. Trouble started brewin', though, when this toeheaded, 5-year old brat started to howl right behind Mister Wonderdeli.

Little Johnny Joe was his name; a name I'm sure Wonderaz'll not easily forget. The little shit was sittin' right behind ol' Wonder and, out of the clear blue sky, started wailin' fer some nachos.

"Ah wunt NAAAW-choze!!", he started chanting for all to hear, "Ah wunt sum NAAAAAW-cho-woze, NOW!! AH WUNTS ME SUM NAAAAAWW-CHOZE!!!!! That kid had set o' lungs on him, I'm here to tell.

"Johnny Joe! Hush up! Shhhhh! Johnny JOE? I said, SHHHHHH!!!" To no avail, his momma pleaded and shushed in a stage whisper loud enough to wake the dead, instead o' takin' the little pork-butted runt outside to the lobby an' applyin' some well-deserved heat to his chubby behind.

In what seemed like no time at all, every head in the theatre was turned, a-gawkin' at the racket. In short order, ol' Wonderaz'd had all he could stand. Thus, he jerked around in his wheelchair toward the boy's momma and hollered, "DAMMIT! Why don't you get that little shit to . . . ."

Those were the only words to make it out of his mouth before being abruptly interrupted by blinding arcs and sparks, accompanied by a blood-curdling, KA-POW!-POP!-POP!-Ziiiit-Zzziiiiiit!!-POP!-Zit-Zit-Zzziiit!!!

You see, little Johnny Joe was holdin' one o' those huge 5-dollar buckets (I'd call it a cup, but "cup" don't do it justice) full o' theatre sodie pop. When the jackass spun around, his arm hit squarely on li'l Johnny's sodie pop. The contents flew up in the air, drenching not only Johnny and Wonderaz, but Wonder's two, fully-charged car batteries, as well.

They cleared the theatre and canceled the show that evening. The stench of burnt hair was unbearable and, in one big belch from between Wonder's legs, hot nacho cheese sprayed everyone in a 50-foot radius like gooey, orange snot.

Fortunately, I was able to catch a ride to the home because I couldn't see a damn thing fer at least 30-minutes afterwards, due to all those bright, white flashes.

As for the jackass and li'l Johnny Joe, an ambulance came an' hauled 'em both to the hospital. They loaded Wonderaz into the back, wheelchair an' all, since several parts of his body were welded and melted together with his clothing and parts o' the wheelchair.

Wonderaz was released from the hospital after several days, but got thrown in the county slammer for disturbing the peace less than a half-hour later. Seems he went to a local convenience store to get a can o' chew and caused quite a ruckus when he saw the donation bucket by the cash register with a picture of a grinning, round-faced, bald-headed boy. The message on it read, "DONATIONS TO HELP LITTLE JOHNNY JOE BUY A WIG".

Amen.

Now, the last I saw of him, he was being chased down the street by about 8 of the nurses at the home here. It seems he got drunk (yeah, I know, what's new) and broke into the med room (yeah, I know, what's new) and replaced the contents of his enema bag with a mixture of Mountain Dew and some of our latest batch of home brew.

I had discovered that the batch had been over distilled and was way to powerful to drink, hell, it had a tendency to ignite when exposed to open air, and I thought I had hidden it well enough until I could figure out what to do with it.

So JEB, in his brilliance, figured that he could still enjoy it if he had it delivered... through the back door, shall we say, removing the risk of setting his face on fire and managed to locate my hiding spot (yeah, I know, what's new).

Now, every time he gets his daily enema, he puts on this big show, hollerin', yellin' and putting up a fight like they are trying to castrate him. The truth be known, he is usually grinnin' like a dog shittin' peach pits when they finally get going. But that's why there are so many nurses around, it is his idea of an orgy, you see.

Anyway, apparently the combination of Mountain Dew and the killer batch reacted with the contents of his colon (that wouldn't even be discussed in the Stileproject) and the resulting explosion turned JEB into a human rocket sled, shooting him through the wall and down the street with a roar so loud you could barely hear his WAAAAAAAAHOOOOO! over it.

I was fortunate to have been sitting out on the porch enjoying the mailman trying to avoid his daily humping by Fred when this all occured and was doubly fortunate that I wasn't sitting in the spot where JEB came through the wall like Old Dexter was (God rest his soul).

The nurses that were able to recover from the blast (they were used to his shenanigans and all wore body armor when dealing with him) took off after him screaming for blood and I figured that if by some miracle, he survived the flight, they would surely put him out of their misery as they have been threatening to do for years.

Now, I haven't actually seen the old buzzard yet, as they apparently felt the need to give him some sort of "special" therapy which usually involves a whole lot of caterwaulin' and wierd noises coming from out of that damnedable Isolation Ward that the two of us seem to wind up in on occasion.

I don't exactly know just what they do in there as I have never gone in there sober and never come out awake. But I am usually pretty durn sore in places I don't thing a person oughta be sore in, that much I know.

Now that I see he lived through it all, I can find out what the hell the Mountain Dew was added for. I've been mighty curious about that.

Now that the holiday season is over, it's time to buckle down and take care of things. Tidy up the loose ends you've left at work and you could have a great week. Don't meddle in others' affairs of the heart this week. You don't want to be the one responsible for what could happen.

Now what this really means is...

Hopefully, they didn’t find anyone that could figure just what the hell you have been doing at work and you still have a job. Plead ignorance when asked about the whereabouts of your pal the other night. You will only wind up sharing a hospital room if you stick up for him.

Things you've put off because of the season should now be taken care of. Don't relax too much at work- the supervisors are watching and do not approve. Keep up the energy level and things will be much smoother in a few weeks. Your sudden independent streak in your romantic life is causing mixed feelings with your mate. Take the time to share with them how you're feeling and they'll understand.

Now what this really means is...

They are going to repo your car if you don’t get a payment in. Someone in management can’t seem to figure out exactly what you DO. You need to make something up that appears productive. You need to reaffirm to your mate that you are only going to the bar every night because you have a drinking problem and not for the company.

You're feeling very creative this week- take advantage of it and let the holiday stress melt away. You're going to be very lucky in love if you pursue that person you've been gazing at from afar. Married Gemini's will also feel a rekindling of passion on the home front. You'll also notice that you're extremely lucky this week, as long as you're careful where you're spending your money.

Now what this really means is...

Return all those stupid gifts your relatives bought you, go buy a paintball gun with the money and do a few drivebys of your relative’s houses and redecorate for them. The person you have been watching in their bedroom with your binoculars knows you are watching. Don’t spend money.

If you've been having problems with your property, it would be best to sell now. The problems won't go away by themselves. You continue to have good fortune in the romance department, as long as you don't let a friend talk you into an emotional mistake. Travel is in the stars for you in the next couple weeks.

Now what this really means is...

You know that spec property you bought in the 100-year flood plain? It’s the 99th year. Your buddies are bullshitting you, she NEVER told anyone she wanted to be wakened to anal sex. You may be either deported or kidnapped by aliens.

It seems that the new year was only the beginning of your social calendar. Parties, parties, and more parties are on your agenda this week. Take the initiative and look into the classes you've been interested in. You'll feel the urge to step into the middle of a friend's relationship in the coming weeks. If you do, you risk losing them.

Now what this really means is...

You will try to keep your New Year’s resolution to drink more. That hot thing in the bar is taking the pottery class you looked into at the community college. Sign up and get a copy of ‘Unchained Melody’. Letting your neighbor screw you to get back at her husband may get you castrated.

Now that the holidays are over, it's time to implement that plan you've been holding off on. If you wait much longer, it will never come to fruition. Be careful what you say at work this week, as an argument with a co-worker could cost you your job. Relationship trouble may crop up in the next few days- don't take your work stress out on your mate.

Now what this really means is...

If you don’t go ahead with that liver transplant you have been wanting, your brother may come out of the coma and rescind the living will he signed. Keep your debate with the jerk who works next to you at a manageable level, beating him to a bloody pulp with his keyboard is a major breach of company policy. When your mate tells you to quit whining about the jerk at work, try not to beat her to a bloody pulp with your keyboard as you will be unable to type in your password to your porn site.

Your relatives are starting to get on your nerves. Just be patient, as they will be leaving this week. A so called friend that you have helped out in the past may not be there for you this week. But you had a feeling this would happen. Stay patient on the work front and you'll finally start receiving recognition for your efforts.

Now what this really means is...

Plotting the death of your visiting family is futile. Your drinking buddy only agreed to kill them for you because he was drunk; he will back out when he sobers up. Quit screaming, "SLACKERS!!!" at your co-workers. The boss knows.

You should be proud of the way you held on to your patience this holiday season. If there are mechanical problems with any of your property this week, swallow your pride and consult a professional. You continue to feel outgoing and energetic this week. Take advantage and drag your friends out for a game or two in the park.

Now what this really means is...

You have managed to get through another holiday without committing murder, out of character but commendable in some circles. Yes, electrical work looks easy. Yes, you can die from electrocution. Call an electrician, trust me. Your hoodlum friends are still badly hung over, great time for a high stakes round of golf.

Making new friends from the parties you've attended this past holiday could pay off financially. Keep those phone numbers and nurture those relationships. Now is the time to start that home improvement project you've been thinking about.

Now what this really means is...

You may actually be able to get that idiot you met at the Christmas party to invest in your ‘Raising Frogs for Fun and Profit in your own home Kit’ scheme. You really need to replace the porch steps you crashed into when you came home shitfaced New Year’s eve. Your mate is going to get sick of climbing the trellis with a bag of groceries rather quickly.

Show your supervisors your leadership skills this week. Take control of the project that no one wants, and you'll earn new respect from your co-workers. Now that everyone is out of the house, you can freshen up your living surroundings. You may feel an urge to travel sometime this week. If the chance comes up, take it.

Now what this really means is...

Your boss is dreading having to fire his idiot nephew, offer to do it for him. It will also make your coworkers nervous when they see you have that power. There is no reason why you shouldn’t drag the refrigerator over by your Lazyboy with the family gone. Plus their absence means you need no excuses for going on a road trip touring Strip Joints with your buddies.

You've been having ideas about freshening up your website, with the possibility of a financial gain. It's a great idea that will pay off in the future. You'll have convince your co-workers of the soundness of your latest project. If you push it through, they'll be happily surprised at the results you deliver.

Now what this really means is...

Naked teenaged lesbian vegetarians will go over big on your website. Your co-workers will have doubts until they see your ‘fun with citrus’ section which should get you over a million hits a week.

Someone at work may be leaving this week. Take the initiative to offer yourself up for the higher position. Even if it seems like the job requirements are beyond your capability, your supervisors will have faith in you. When talking to others about your personal problems this week, remember to try and point out the positives. Dwelling on the negatives will lead to rumours that you won't like.

Now what this really means is...

You may get a promotion but you may have to put out to the boss to get it. You are incapable of doing the work but if you keep putting out, they won’t notice. It is OK to brag about the promotion and whine about how difficult the job is but don’t talk about what a lousy lay your boss is.

Your holiday gatherings will be blessed with good cheer and togetherness. The anxiety you feel over possible mishaps at your relative's house is unwarranted. Your career is heating up in more ways than one- expect an opportunity for a raise or possible advancement soon, and a colleague that has had an interest in you may find the courage to speak up, if you pay attention.

Now what this really means is...

If you pace yourself, you should be able to remain drunk clear through the holidays. It’s seems that your brother-in-law is not going to press charges against you after all. One of your supervisors has been indicted thanks to that call you made and you may be in line for his job. With this position in the offing, coworkers, who will soon be working for you, will probably make themselves available for your sexual gratification.

Travel is favorable for you if it involves business. Be aware of your tendency to be arrogant this week, as a new co-worker may take a notion to challenge you for it. Any unsettled legal matters will soon be cleared up, and the outlook is in your favor. Someone close to you may have to ask for your help - don’t misconstrue their dependency on you as a romantic notion.

Now what this really means is...

Business trips will be as uneventful as the rest of your life. Your associate has decided to put you in the hospital the next time you comment on the tie he is wearing. The DA has taken a soft stance on white-collar crimes and has decided to not pursue prison time in regards to your case. Your secretary made need an advance to get through the holidays but not enough to warrant oral sex.

Gemini is the sign of the twins, and lately you've been trying to live up to your sign by leading a double life. Someone very close to you is on the verge of discovering your secret. Stop while there's still time. Your work life has been very hectic because of this. You've let it get out of hand recently. Get it fixed up this week and you'll still be able to pull everything off and look like a superstar.

Now what this really means is...

You should probably cool it on those Motel 6 rendezvous’ as your boss has hired a private eye to find out where his wife has been disappearing to, and so has your mate. Go volunteer at the local soup kitchen for a few days, as being caught there will keep you from being shot by either of them.

You and your partner are going to have strong communications this week. For once, it seems, you'll both be on the same page. Someone close to you will come to you for support. Don't be fooled by their lighthearted attitude. Your work life is going to be full of surprises - watch your co-workers carefully, as one of them may be looking for another job, and could leave you shorthanded after the holidays.

Now what this really means is...

You will spend the whole week loudly arguing with your mate until your neighbor comes over and points out that you are both arguing the same point and he is going to kill the both of you if you keep him up one more night with your yelling and screaming. Take him seriously, he only appears to be joking. Your project manager is going to Hawaii for the holidays with your secretary and won’t be returning.

Everyone will want your attendance at their holiday parties. Go out and enjoy if you're single, as someone who has had their eye on you for awhile will find the courage to speak up. However, married or involved Leo's may want to try and avoid them altogether rather than encourage an admirer. You and your partner have been having a great month so far. Enjoy this trend and expect it to continue through the holidays.

Now what this really means is...

Thanks to the cheerful façade you wear during the holidays, you will be invited to numerous parties where you will probably score with that cute new intern if you can pour enough Christmas punch in her. If you take your mate, there is a chance she will catch you unless you make it a quickie. Domestic strife should be at a minimum thanks to the busy holiday schedule you and your mate have.

With the busy season, you may have been neglecting your spouse or significant other lately. They've been feeling the pressures of the season at work, but have been unable to burden you with their stress. Give them your total attention this week, and watch your romance blossom. Expect the unexpected this week at work. Turn the situation to your favor, and watch the rewards roll in.

Now what this really means is...

Both your and your spouse’s lovers are going away for the holidays so you might want to see if you can snag a little bit at home for a change. Your boss may show up at work when you thought he had left for the holidays, so be there. Make sure you point out that your missing coworkers are never there when he is out of town.

Try to be patient with family members who try to open old wounds. Their intentions are harmless. Someone younger than you have made you his or her role model- be careful what kind of advice you give. Be aware of the office gossip this week at work. Everyone is stressed from the holidays, so use tact when approaching the guilty.

Now what this really means is...

Your relatives will appear particularly loathsome during the holidays. Try to remember that they are assholes the rest of the year too. Getting your visiting brother’s teenaged kids drunk and convincing them to tell their Dad what they really think of him, will only be funny until they do it. Remember, he beat you up as a kid and he will beat you up as an adult. Avoid confrontations in the office when there are witnesses.

Take some time to look around you in the office. Someone may be in need of assistance, and never dream of directly asking for it. It's in your best interest to do what you can. You'll feel full of energy this week, so take a walk. Something pleasantly unexpected is waiting for you outdoors. If you're presented with an opportunity this week, take it. Spontaneity can lead to a lucky find for you.

Now what this really means is...

A coworker is about to snap from the stress of the season and it would behoove you to feign sympathy as they recently purchased a gun. They may spare you in the forthcoming slaughter. If you take a stroll and find a wallet on the side walk, keep the cash and give the credit cards to a homeless person. They will take the fall for everything and you will have offset your holiday expenses.

If it's possible, avoid excess traveling this holiday season, as stress and havoc are slated to ruin your plans. Try not to make any family members feel ignored when a new family member makes an appearance. Be aware that any plans you make affect your partner so ask first before accepting invitations that may upset their opportunities.

Now what this really means is...

Stay home as the flight you are planning on will result in you spending most of the flight listening to the co-pilot telling you that the landing gear is stuck half way and to prepare for the first belly landing a 757 has ever attempted. Asking your cousin’s incredibly sexy date to go for a spin on your Harley as soon as they walk in is in bad form. Not returning for 4 hours is in very bad form.

The time is right to set aside your injured pride, and try compromising instead. Someone from your past may pay an unexpected visit. Don't let them talk you into a more personal situation. Keep things at a distance, as this person is involved in things that you don't want to deal with at this point of your life. Answers to your doubts about the direction of your life may be arriving soon.

Now what this really means is...

That gorgeous babe from High School that always made fun of you will show up at your door and give a wink and a motel key. Your spouse has hired her. The Publisher’s Clearinghouse van will stop at your house. The driver is actually a process server.

Put aside your frustrations, and enjoy the sudden heat of your romantic life. Lately you've felt that your partner is unable to understand you, and this behavior is killing your relationship. Just let go and enjoy what the stars bring you this week. You have a lot of work ahead of you, and little time to do it in. Don't let yourself get distracted, and you'll find the time to complete your projects.

Now what this really means is...

You are acutely aware of the fact that your mate is completely brainless. Just remember that it doesn’t really matter because the sex is good. It is going to be very busy at work and you will probably fall far behind on your projects.

Watch your wallet, as it's emptying faster than you expected. You might be tempted to spill a secret, but don't! The long-term effects could be devastating to someone. Beware of difficulties concerning the security of your belongings- make sure every door and window is locked. An old flame is in town. It might be in your best interest to give them time to say what they want to say.

Now what this really means is...

You will lose your wallet (see Scorpio). Letting it slip that you ran into your brother-in-law at a strip club will probably result in one or both of you being blessed with a permanent limp from the beatings your sister doles out. Your ex will stop by, if you are not home, they will burglarize your house.