Someone in the workplace has been less than kind to you lately. But bite your tongue, as another may be watching the interplay between the two of you. Go out with friends this weekend if you're invited, as your love life is going to be uneventful this week.

Now what this really means is...

You know the chat room that you spend half your workday playing in? You remember the guy that was begging you to tell more jokes about your boss? You know the guy that used to walk past your desk with a longing look but now walks by with a shit eating grin? Your SO is pms'ing and will not be pleasant company for a few days. Drinking heavily is in order.

You were in a position to offer advice or assistance in the past couple days. If it involved money, it may not return to you. You've recently been making a new friend. Foster this relationship, as it is fresh and new for you. Be careful not to lead anyone on in the next few days. Listen to your sixth sense this week.

Now what this really means is...

Just because your brother-in-law says he is keeping track of what he owes you doesn't mean you are ever going to see it. You have discovered someone who is as excited about BMW accessorizing as you. Your boss knows exactly how far along you are on the project he gave you because you didn't shut your computer off last night when you left. It is not your stylist's fault that the hair is standing up on the back of your neck.

Your christmas shopping is almost done, now do something for yourself. Take some time to relax, as you feel you're on the edge. You've been troubled with matters of a spiritual nature. Now is the time to put those to rest. You may feel a tendency to play favorites in the next week, but resist the temptation. Something of a legal or contractual nature will be explained to you in detail, making you feel much better.

Now what this really means is...

The assorted cheese baskets will arrive this week, you can wrap them later. You discover that you will definitely be going to hell when you die but it may not be as bad as you think. Your lawyer will be calling to assure you that it is perfectly legal to be cremated with all off your belongings.

You may have said things in the past few days that will come back to bite you in the rear. An impending family event has everyone in a stir, but don't let this distract you from that person in the family who really needs you right now. Attend any Christmas parties you've been invited to- the chances of finding someone have leaped for you this week.

Now what this really means is...

Your betting pool on how many of the quintuplets your sister-in-law probably won't go over real big with the rest of the family. Extended drinking binges with your brother would be be advisable. Do not forget that your odds of getting laid are at their absolute best during Christmas office parties.

You've been thinking of changing careers lately. Don't do it just yet. Your current position has possibilities for advancement that you're not aware of yet. That same wandering eye from work can also lead to a wandering of the carnal nature. Don't! You're a fool if you think that your mate won't find out. People will try to get you to do their work for them this week; don't let them take you for granted.

Now what this really means is...

Refrain from running off and joining the circus. The new computer upgrades in your office don't have firewalls so you will be able to go to porn sites at work. Yes, that cute little hippie chick in the mailroom will put out. No, your SO will not believe that you can get crabs from a urinal. The coworker who you are covering for so he could attend Mass is actually at your house and is nekkid.

You've been feeling like you've been taken advantage of this past week. Don't worry, those who need to notice have. You have a big job to do, but the little details will clear up at the end of the week, if you remain on task. Don't get upset with your mate over anything this week. Something is bothering them, and it will take virgo's empathy to dig it out.

Now what this really means is...

You will be given a totally unreasonable amount of work this week, yet by some fluke, will manage to finish it in time. Your supervisor will notice, though, and will assume that you can handle the same next week too. Behaving in a very pleasant manner at home is advisable as your SO is seriously considering killing you in your sleep.

Family members have been having a tough time, but you will help them find the solution. Your work environment is uneventful this week, but you may be able to gain support from others this week for future endeavors.

Now what this really means is...

Your relatives will manage to borrow twice as much from you as they did last year. The holiday slowdown at work will give you more free time to recruit coworkers into your gang.

It's time to show your partner where you stand. Fess up with all those things that bother you that you've kept hidden. Things are falling into place for you in the financial area, so be patient. Children need extra special attention this week.

Now what this really means is...

You manage to acquire that last piece of trumped up evidence you needed to sue the ass off your business partner. You might consider settling out of court, as you will probably enjoy spending the settlement even more than gloating over him during visiting hours at the penitentiary. Show a little holiday spirit by not speeding up at school crossings.

Be more careful than normal this week concerning your finances. A potential work hazard may cause injury, so be on the lookout. Your romance area is really heating up. Get out of the house or you'll never be able to meet that special someone. Don't let others drag you into their personal disputes this week.

Now what this really means is...

You will max out all of your credit cards on Christmas. A disagreement over the playoff betting pool at work will lead to bloodshed, it would serve you well to get in the first punch. Tell your SO that you are going Christmas shopping and go to the bar instead, your chances of getting picked up for a quickie are good. Going outside to watch the SWAT Team deal with your next door neighbor will probably result in you getting shot in the crossfire.

You'll need a lot of patience this week, as many areas of your life will bring you frustration. A trusted friend may let you down, revealing a confidence to others. You'll be tempted to enter someone's personal affairs this week. And a long lost relationship may soon be heating up, but not as you would expect it. Be careful with past lovers this week.

Now what this really means is...

The holidays will serve to remind you of just how pathetic your friends and family really are. Keep in mind that they are always like this and just because it is Christmas, they will still be trying to screw you over, every chance they get. Your high school sweetheart that you dumped when you went to college will be showing up at your door with a kid that looks exactly like you and some papers.

You've been seen with some powerful people this week. Keep up the communications you've built with your higher-ups. Someone will come looking for advice this week, but consider what you say before you give them advice. The situation isn't as clear-cut as it seems. You may not want to go out this weekend, as social events may lead to stress. You'll find more relaxation at home.

Now what this really means is...

Just because it is the holiday season doesn't mean you should slack off on sucking up to your boss. Offering your opinion to a friend may get you listed on the indictment. Holiday coitus will probably add to your list of STD's, you are better off staying home and getting stoned.

Your love area has stagnated for now, but will soon be moving along in the weeks to come, so be patient. Use a little forethought in any offers you may receive, as some of them have repercussions you haven't thought of yet. You should be feeling especially psychic this week, more so than normal for a Pisces. Trust what your intuition tells you about a friend's dilemma.

Now what this really means is...

You still cannot find a date but you will be discovering a new way to masturbate so it won't matter. You will get a special offer on a satellite dish which you will sign up for and it will wind up costing you almost half your paycheck but you will get over 300 channels, most in a foreign language. Someone may very well punch you out for continuously saying, "I knew you were going to say that". If you loan your van to your friend so she can move out on her asshole boyfriend, you will never see it again.

Well, we both got sicker than all get out by that evening--Especially me, thanks to the little snooze I took in the water, courtesy of that jackass Wonderaz. My truck barely made it to the ER at a little community hospital in Ozona, Texas. We sat there in the emergency room for over four hours; I was pukin' and hallucinatin', while Wonderaz tried to play grabass with the admitting nurse. Finally, Dr. Sanchez stumbled in, took one look, and instructed the nurse to admit us as he turned and hurried out, retching and gagging as he went.

They stuck us in the same room with just a flimsy curtain between us. The next day, Joeycat came down and tried feeding me some chicken soup. I was still feelin' puny, so my ol' pal Wonderaz grabbed the bowl, slurped it down, and then stretched back out on his bed. I could hear that jackass smackin' his lips, belchin' and fartin' while the divine Joeycat commenced to givin' me a full-body massage. Man, it was heaven!

Ol' Wonderaz just couldn't stand it that I was gettin' all the attention, so the next thing we know, he's over on my side of the room "lookin' for his medications". Trouble was, all he had on was one of those hospital gowns that does not cover the ass--y'all know what I'm talkin' about. That silly fucker kept bendin' over, lookin' under my bed, with his family jewels just a-swingin' free as you please. To make matters worse, his catheter was still attached and he'd pulled it tight as a bowstring across my bed.

I finally mumbled as loud as I could, "You stupid jackass, get back on your side of the room!" He replied, "Mmm-kay" and shuffled back to his bed. His foul displays, however, were far from over....
A few seconds later, we heard a buzzing, accompanied by sounds of "Oooh yeah...oooh boy....!" We pulled the curtain to look and were astonished to see Wonderaz face down on his bed, bare ass hiked up in the air, holding one of those little battery powered fans and blowing air on his ass. Joeycat just shook her head as she closed the curtain back. More, however, was yet to come....
Less than a minute later, we heard the radio crackle on and Marty Robbins soon filled the room--*Down in the West Texas town of El Paso, I fell in love.... * We could tell Wonderaz was also jumpin' up and down on his bed when, all of a sudden, "KA-BOOM! PANG! CRASH!" Before we could react, "riiiiip!". Down comes the curtain and there's ol' Wonderaz, gropin' around like a blind man without a cane.

We couldn't make out what he was trying to say as it sounded like he was yelling from the bottom of a well. It quickly became apparent he'd fallen from his bed; the battery-powered fan was jammed in his ass; and somehow, he'd managed to get his face lodged squarely in the middle of his bedpan. Other than that, he was buck-ass nekkid (except for that damn catheter tubing trailing from his pecker).

Oh, though Joeycat was laughing uncontrollably, she did try to help, but ol' Wonderaz just shoved her aside and went bumping and stumbling out into the hall. Unfortunately, at that precise moment, he ran into the local Sheriff's wife and got her tangled up in his catheter tube. Even more unfortunately, Sheriff Easley was right behind her, along with their daughter and the rest of her 5th grade class. As class sponsors, they were on a field trip to the local hospital.

We didn't actually see what happened next. We just heard what seemed like an endless series of metallic-sounding blows *pang-kong-ping-kank-ponk-ponk...", followed by the pitiful wailing and sobbing of a grown man well past his prime. Finally, things got quieter until all we could hear was the buzzing of that fan.

Oh well, me and Joeycat enjoyed our privacy after that. They transfered ol' Wonderaz to the big hospital in Fort Stockton. Several weeks later, I tried to ask him how he liked it over there, but he just looked at me real funny-like and started shaking. Amen.

Mercury enters the ninth house early this week, with the Sun and Pluto already in this area, making this an important week for legal issues or travel plans. Venus rides into the 11th house later this week, which means that truly compassionate friends will be needed. A difficult matter may arise that friends need to help you out of.

Now what this really means is...

You have Mercury, the Sun, and Pluto combining to screw up your life this week. If you can’t get your ass out of the country, you can count on getting served, arrested, or having some other unpleasant event happen that requires you to retain legal counsel. Hopefully, you have not pissed ALL your so-called friends off because you will probably be looking for help with the bail.

Uranus is in good alignment to support career interests, and ensures progress on any projects currently in the works. However, no financial rewards are seen this week. The flip side is that rewards will come just in time for Christmas, since Venus is about to enter the monetary area of the chart. It may take the shape of a reward or bonus for the efforts you are putting forth now.

Now what this really means is...

Uranus is in good alignment. You should be regular for that reason alone. This is a good week to suck up to the boss even more than you already do. Although you are flat broke facing a bleak Christmas, you will find a credit card you forgot you had and will still be able to plunge yourself even further in debt buying expensive toys for people that you have to constantly remind them of your name, like your family and co-workers.

The presence of Pluto in the house of relationships means that matters of the heart are on the forefront this week. Also, Mercury moves into this area of the solar chart in a few days, making the romance even hotter. if you are studying for final exams this week, know that Venus entering the ninth house means that education is in your favor.

Now what this really means is...

In your usual devious manner, you will convince your mate that you didn’t really mean it when you said “I hate you, you fat-assed piece of shit.” and the make-up sex will be great, for you anyway. If you have finals coming, you will have studied your Cliff Notes well or hacked into your teacher’s computer, obtaining a passing grade. You may rest assured your lack of morals is intact either way.

The Sun and Pluto are in conjunction in the work area of your chart, a very powerful sign that something important is likely to take place with your employment in the next few weeks. Mercury is also paying a visit, which means you'll probably make a decision very soon. Venus is also on your side in the monetary department. Some external source is about to pay off big for you (banking, corporate money, etc.)

Now what this really means is...

Thanks to the Sun and Pluto, something terrible will happen at your job and you will make a decision that your friends and family will hate you for. You won’t notice because they already hated you. You will come into some money but still give everyone origami birds for Christmas that you made yourself, which will cause them all to hate you. You won’t notice that either.

For weeks now Uranus and Neptune have been playing hell with your relationship matters. Venus comes to the rescue later this week, bringing peace. Your communications will vastly improve with the help of mars, so make sure to hold your tongue for the next few days. You might receive a message of some importance in the next few weeks, thanks to the Sun, Pluto, and Mercury converging in the fifth house.

Now what this really means is...

As usual, you are at war with your mate but if you can refrain from running at the mouth for a few days, they may actually shut the hell up too, in a few days. You may be getting a very important message in the next few days thanks to the Sun, Pluto and Mercury that you should either anticipate with dread or joy.

Something important is about to occur in your domestic life, thanks to mercury moving into the home/family area of your chart. Since Pluto and the Sun are already residing there, the next few weeks can bring a change to a difficult situation, if you handle matters delicately. Your work prospects will brighten later this week with a visit from Venus in your sixth house.

Now what this really means is...

Your home life is going to hell in a hand basket but if you can get over yourself, you may be able to keep from getting thrown out right before the holidays. What may help is you getting that job offer or advancement you were hoping for but you will probably regret taking it later.

Travel plans may go awry this week. Jupiter aligns with mercury in a rather difficult fashion, so expect delays or last minute reroutes. Or, you can just stay home and enjoy Venus’s influence in your domestic areas. You’ll feel encouraged to add to your home surroundings, perhaps with new furniture or art. Make sure everything is tidy, as the Sun and Pluto are bringing you visitors later this week.

Now what this really means is...

If you plan on traveling, take camping gear to the airport. If you stay home, you will be compelled to undertake a major home improvement project just in time for unwanted company to show up and trash the place.

Somewhere near the end of the week you can expect pleasant news concerning a domestic matter, since Venus begins its transit through the family area of your chart. Be prepared to empty your wallet. Mercury is joining with the Sun and Pluto in the money area of your chart, which may lead to some difficulties in the spending area this week.

Now what this really means is...

You will receive good news involving your family, like your brother was just arrested for embezzlement and won’t be coming for the holidays as planned. Mercury, the Sun and Pluto are taking a crap in the money area of your chart so be prepared to write a few hot checks just to make it through the week.

Mercury enters your sign this week, helping you become more outgoing. This is a great time for communications. Which goes hand in hand with Venus entering your third house, creating a more sociable atmosphere and making dealings with the outside world more pleasant. But be warned. The Sun and Pluto indicate a personal matter that is very delicate. You may have to address it in a new way to escape the situation.

Now what this really means is...

Mercury shows up this week which for most other signs, would mean you would be more outgoing, but for a Sag it just means you will talk louder and interrupt more than normal. That, mixed with the abundance of holiday gatherings means you will probably be saying something that will take some effort to make amends for when you sober up.

‘Tis the season to spend money, and Venus entering the money sector means you'll be able to afford to be generous. Don’t let Pluto get you too worked up this week. You’ll be faced with a lot of in depth soul- searching, and feel frustrated over unanswered questions. These matters won't have an answer for a few more weeks.

Now what this really means is...

You will be doing well financially which means you can afford to buy nice gifts but you will be true to your nature and won’t. You will become confused over the true meaning of life and start wondering why you even bother to breathe. By the time you figure it out, the holidays will be over and you will blame your depression on them and your family.

Prepare to make new friends, as Mercury joins the Sun and Pluto in the friendship area of your chart. Try not to get involved in other's affairs this week, no matter how hard they try. If you're asked out this weekend, don't hesitate to go. Venus enters your sign this weekend and puts you in the "party" mood.

Now what this really means is...

There will be new acquaintances in your life but they are probably undercover cops, so don’t sell them anything. Friends and family will most likely try to get your opinion on a disagreement which you should avoid becoming involved with as, no matter what you say, you will be a peripheral victim of domestic violence. Party hard this weekend as your chances for getting lucky and/or catching a STD are high.

Mercury will help your insights on what you should do in your career over the next few weeks. Important news may be coming with mercury influencing Pluto in this area. Venus enters your twelfth house later this week, making you feel a bit lazy. Take that rest you want so badly, even though you feel like you don't have the time.

Now what this really means is...

Mercury will be coming in to play this week, giving you the ability to for insightful opinions about what your future track in the work force should be, but before you can implement these well thought out plans, your natural laziness will come to fore and you will decide you deserve a break from it all. You can count on the mundane aspect of your life to continue unabated.

Anywho, So there we were down on the bank justa fishin' and adrinkin' when this great big raven flies over JEB and dumps this huge shit which goes right down the back of his neck.

Jeb leaps to his feet, screaming and hollering about blowing that bird right out of the sky, and runs smack into this big ole tree. He backpedals right to the edge of the bank and was teetering when I leaped out and just in the nick of time, was able to grab the beer out of his hand before he plunged into the river, which was a good thing because it was almost full and we were running low.

For the longest time I stood there in a quandry, JEB hadn't surfaced and there was no level spot to set the two open beers I was now holding. I realized I needed to do something fast so I began chugging those beers like there was no tomorrow, knowing my old buddy was fixin' to be a goner.

Just as I was polishing off the last one, here comes good ole JEB floating to the top, bellyup. As soon as he broke the surface, he started snoring! Here he had me worried all to shit, and the bastard was taking a fucking nap down there!
I was just fixin' to yank his lame ass on shore to tell him what I thought when I see my cork go under and the biggest bass I had EVER seen jumps out of the water with my hook in his lip!

I snatched up my rod and commenced to do battle with this monster and after a few minutes had him in my net.
I turned to show off my prize and damned if JEB hadn't drifted off downstream about forty yards and got hung up on a half-sunk log!

Once again, I was in a quandry. I couldn't just leave him there even though he was doin' fine justa floatin' anda snorin' away, but the day was too young for me to go jumpin' in and gettin' all wet as I knew that the way things were goin' we were probably gonna get arrested for something later on and I hate sleepin' in a cell with wet clothes, kinda chafes ya in the crotch if you know what I mean.

So I took the hook out of that trophy bass and cut loose with an incredible cast and Lo and Behold, dropped that hook about two feet past his pumpkin head! I reeled in slowly and managed to catch his cheek and with a quick jerk set the hook. Keepin' a steady pressure on the line I reeled him in easy as pie, everything going fine ‘til I had him about ten feet offshore then all of a sudden he wakes up and commenced to thrashin' and flailing about like a walleyed pike.

My natural instincts took over and I let the line play out a little then heaved back and began crankin' that line in like crazy. He never had a chance, I had him on the shore in no time and smacked him upside the head with a board before he could get the hook out and swim off.

I grabbed some pliers, dragged him up on the bank and pulled the hook out. A few minutes later he came too, and the first thing out of that ungrateful asshole's mouth was, "You jackass! You drank my fuckin' beer, didn't you?"

By the way, we did wind up getting arrested later on but that's another story.

The readings found herein can be freely used to make any and all important life decisions. If the results are catastrophic or fatal, then:

a) You did not use the information provided correctly and/or;
b) It’s not our fault.

3-21 to 4-20
Ruling planet- Mars
Element- Fire
Sign- Ram

The Aries person is incredibly childish and self-centered. Of all the signs of the Zodiac, Aries children are the first to swear at their parents. The parents of Aries children do not have to worry about missing any of their children’s childhood, as it will be permanent.

Because of their inability to mature, they do not fit into the workforce well. The one area that Aries can do well in is being a celebrity. Their desire to be the center of attention and their self-centeredness fits stardom to a tee.

Most Aries wind up in prison.

4-21 to 5-21
Ruling planet- Venus
Element- Dirt
Sign- Bull

The Taurus are usually excruciatingly boring. They are the consummate Yuppies. Taurus’s consider tennis to be an extreme sport and are outraged that golf is not an Olympic event.

Many Taurus’ work in Wall Street type jobs and all die within a few months of retirement of terminal dullness.

Most Taurus’ commit road rage.

5-22 to 6-21
Ruling Planet- Mercury
Element- Air
Sign- Twins

Gemini people are clever and charming criminal schizophrenics. They tend to hold top-level positions because of their conniving personalities. Their sign portrays their duplicity, as they can be very two-faced. A true Gemini could easily be a church deacon while running guns to the Colombian Cartels.

Most car salespersons are Gemini.

The Gemini is quite often the victim of assassination.

The Gemini will always cheat at cards.

6-22 to 7-23
Ruling planet- Moon
Element- Water
Sign- Crab

Cancers are shy and artistic and considered by everyone to be an incredible liability. They have a highly developed sense of self-pity that is tempered by their extreme self-righteousness. The Cancer is also famous for their moodiness, which waxes and wanes according to the cycles of their ruling planet, the moon.

The fun thing about the Cancer is their spontaneity. One never knows when a Cancer will suddenly throw a tantrum in a fancy restaurant or start laughing hysterically during a funeral.

Cancer soldiers are usually shot in the back.

By and large, Cancers are rather long lived and can be found cluttering up nursing homes, as their families will have nothing to do with them.

7-24 to 8-23
Ruling planet- Sun
Element- Fire
Sign- Lion

To a Leo, success comes easy. That is because they are bossy, greedy and arrogant.
The Leo enjoys being loved as long as the love is based upon envy.

Once success has been achieved, the Leo is able to combine an intense desire for luxury with a total lack of good taste into a world of unparalleled tackiness.

Salespeople love Leos because they can be flattered into buying anything.

Most Leos are killed trying to operate expensive toys.

8-24 to 9-23
Ruling planet- Mercury
Element- Dirt
Sign- Virgin

The Virgo is a very clean person. This is because they are hypochondriacs.

They hate being around sick people because not only might they catch something else, but also they prefer to avoid competition for who is the sickest, so they make horrible doctors and nurses.

Virgins love to put other people down as a result of their own generally diminutive size.

Pontius Pilate was a Virgo and was very obsessive about his cleanliness.
Virgins usually make it to middle age and are then killed in car accidents. They make excellent organ donors.

9-24 to 10-23
Ruling planet- Venus
Element- Air
Sign- Scales

Librans consider themselves to be very popular. They made up the phrase "I am a people person", and love to say it. The Libra is also pathologically incapable of making any decision within a reasonable amount of time and quite often, not at all. If they do actually make a decision, it is absolutely impossible for them to change it, which has resulted in the untimely demise of many Librans.

Another endearing quality of the Libra is their parasitic nature. Librans usually surround powerful people. The courts of Louis XIV and Richard Nixon were all Librans, for example.

All hermaphrodites are Librans and all Librans are hermaphroditic in nature, as they can’t decide which sex they really are.

Most Librans die in small plane crashes or by drowning.

10-24 to 11-22
Ruling planet- Mars/Pluto
Element- water
Sign- Scorpion

It is the universal consensus that the Scorpio is an extremely unsavory character and that the whole of Mankind would be much better of without them.

Scorpios are well known for their intense loyalty and unmatched cruelty. A Scorpio child invented the wingless fly. Scorpios enjoy power and love to inwardly reminisce over the utter destruction of those who stood in the path of the Scorpio’s climb to said power.

Scorpios can go for long periods with out blinking or showing any sign of mercy.

Scorpios never cheat at cards but are the usual culprit when violent death occurs during card games.
Despite their arrogance and aloofness, Scorpios tend to become very close to people around them. This way, they can exploit their weaknesses.

It is considered proper to kill all Scorpios during a purge.

11-23 to 12-21
Ruling Planet- Jupiter
Element- Fire
Sign- Archer

Sagittarians are clumsy and quite accident-prone except when they are breaking things on purpose.
They should never be invited to any gathering where a modicum of etiquette is expected.

The Sagittarian is very sports-minded and has no problem putting a beer bottle through a TV screen on a bad call by an umpire. They tend to drink too much and have a propensity for throwing up in restaurants where exotic food is served.

All Sagittarians consider Rod McKuen to be profoundly insightful.

4 out of 5 Kamikaze pilots were Sagittarians. Their commanders told them to fly through enemy ships on the way home. Sagittarians have never been accused of being overly brilliant.

Sagittarians tend to die from massive coronaries or strokes, usually while operating something that allows them to take a few innocent bystanders with them.

12-22 to 1-20
Ruling planet- Saturn
Element- Dirt
Sign- Goat

Capricorns consider snobbery to be a virtue. Their ambition knows no bounds and they will do anything to get ahead up to and including TV evangelicalism or genocide.

All Capricorn children are absolutely disgusted with their parents’ status and wealth and consider them to be beneath contempt.

Suicide attempts should always include a Capricorn friend, as they are always happy to remind you of how worthless you really are and will even help with little push off the bridge if you get cold feet.

Capricorns never pay for anything. The entire country of Scotland is Capricorn, they just lie about when they were born and celebrate birthdays whenever they feel like it.

Most Capricorns die of starvation and/or malnutrition. The fighting over the full pantries of the deceased often results in bloodshed amongst the relatives.

1-21 to 2-19
Ruling Planet- Saturn/Uranus
Element- Air
Sign- Water Bearer

Aquarians are probably the slowest of all the signs. If cows all turned into humans, they would be Aquarians.

They are heavily into alternative lifestyles, as they haven’t the attention span to stick to a conventional one.

All wealthy Aquarians inherited their money and every one of them dies poor. Aquarians do well working in health food stores and know a little too much about the benefits of coffee enemas.

Aquarians are born without a sense of humor and only know it as a level of spirituality to be achieved in the next life.

Aquarians either die young from natural causes or old from drug overdose.

2-20 to 3-20
Ruling planet- Jupiter/Neptune
Element- Air
Sign- Fish

There are no famous Pisceans. Nobody ever remembers them due to the fact that one of the most outstanding traits of being a Pisces is not having a personality. If you know a famous Piscean, there is one of three reasons for this. One, they are really Capricorns and are just lying to you or two, they are Aquarians or Sagittarians and are either too stoned and/or too stupid to remember their real sign or three, they are Cancers and their parents lied to them about when they were born.

The tribes of the Mongolian Steppes allowed Pisces children to be raised so they could be used for target practice. This may seem a tad barbaric but if you ever knew any Pisces, you can see the merit in the practice.

Most Pisces die in household accidents.

This Asylum believes that internet connections should be plentiful and free to everyone as a basic right in the 21st century

Flame on, if you will....

Nigga, please! I have a very short list of things that qualify as "basic rights." Let me check the list. Hmmm. Nope. "Internet connectivity" isn't on it. Neither is "access to a computer," or even "electricity," for that matter. Hell, "food" isn't even on it. Wow, am I a prick, or what?

As far as internet related basic rights go, the only one on my list is "at least 1 other ISP option, besides AOL."

That doesn't mean that once I become SORM(tm) (one last time, that's: Supreme Omnipotent Ruler of the Multiverse) I won't set everyone up with access. But that's not because it's a basic right, that's just because it's a good leadership practice. I think Marx said it best when he said, "Yahoo!Games is the opiate of the masses."

Don't worry kids, I'll have two internets. There will be the regular internet for most of you, and then the iMacnet. As SORM, I will determine who is issued a Mac and who is issued a Linux box. (Ooh, he said "Linux," he must be 1337.) Actually, that's what's known as a "campaign promise." You'll all get WinMe boxes and like it, as Bill Gates will be the Minister of Predatory Business Practices in my administration.

Marx said that? Are you certain you didn't read it in Mein Kempf? Whatever. When you're SORM just make sure you don't give linux boxes to people like sp00ky. They never seem to shut up about it. If you have to, make sure it's RedHat (look, he knows some distros, he's even 1337er (he also knows to call them distros, he's the 1337est (or is that 133735T? (nesting rawks)))).

I digress. My point, originally, was that we're on the verge of yet another class divide in the world--the wired divide. Those who get their porn from the internet and those who still try to sneak a topshelf mag inside the newspaper. It's a divide we don't need. Look at how much things have changed in the past 10 years. If I had children (and there's a terrifying thought) there is no way I would want them to try to go through higher-level school now without having a computer and internet access. When I said 'basic human right', perhaps I was being a little melodramatic. I meant free access to the internet for all on the same scale as people in developed nations are entitled to free access to public libraries--not as in food (which is free, after a fashion) or electricity (which is not a basic right anywhere, we all have to *pay* for it).

By the way, you were banging on about this SORM crap months ago and you don't seem to be getting anywhere with it. I think we need a gameplan. How about you start working on getting some respect from the local neighbourhood kids? Yes, good idea. You get them to stop throwing things at you and calling you names and then we'll work on your bid for world dominance. [sarcasm]Yes sir, I'm sure we'd all just love someone like you to be in charge of things.[/sarcasm]

Why this basic assumption that class divides are a negative thing? Variety is the spice of life, no? Enforcing class divides in such a way as to prevent mobility between classes is not "right," in my opinion. However, I have no problem with naturally occurring divisions.

If you're talking about ensuring that publicly funded schools and libraries all have similar access to computers and connectivity, then I can't really take issue with that. However, libraries and schools in wealthier areas are always going to be better equipped. That's just The Way It Is (c).

Of course any offspring I spawn (and for which I can be proven responsible) will grow up connected. They will most likely have a laptop of their very own when I send them off to college (which they will undoubtedly pawn for beer). They will quite possibly go to a school that has those handy little LAN drops at each desk. That's because I will be wealthy. I will be in the wired class. I will be in the superior demographic. I'm an Evil American Capitalist Oppressor (tm) like that.

But now I digress. You say that your children (I thought you said aminal was barren...?) will be connected. So will mine. Do I feel that everyone in the First World should be connected? No. Should they be allowed to be connected, if they can pay the bill to do so? Yes. I think you have some unresolved guilt issues. It's ok to have stuff that other people don't.

*cough*warm and cuddly*cough*

Variety is the spice of life, certainly. However, we mean that in the 'ain't it grand that we have more than one type of beer' sense, rather than the 'ain't it grand that 70% of the world's population live in abject poverty' sense. You make *ahem* a good point about the difference between naturally occurring and enforced class divides, but still...the difference between the lower and upper middle classes is hardly the same as the 'haves and have nots'.

The children who are born today and aren't 'connected', as you put it, will suffer a major disadvantage when they hit maturity. We're talking something more than a class divide here. I made the facetious point about pornography, but the internet is fast coming to dominate so many aspects of our lives. It's also a case of computer literacy. I see some undergraduates coming to University even now, never having used a computer before, and they are already at a significant disadvantage. What will it be like in ten, even five, years?

What I'm saying, I think, is that I think it is now, or very soon should be, the responsibility of governments to ensure a basic level of internet connectivity for everyone. Yes, superior levels of service should be charged at a premium, and so on and so forth, but intellectual class divides never occur naturally. Disadvantaged kids shouldn't be punished for their parents' situation.

Wax off. I think it's your turn to have the last say, Mr. Evil Capitalist I'm-such-a-hard-ass Oppressor. I too plan to be in the upper demographic and my kids will be connected. We'd just better make damn sure that my kids never connect themselves to your kids.

"Disadvantaged kids shouldn't be punished for their parents' situation"?? Seems to me that the only way around that is to harvest the children at birth and raise them all in big, government factories. Of course, we'd have to have one global government, otherwise children born under one country would have different opportunities than those born in another. I don't mean to argue ad absurdem. I just feel that there's no good place to draw the line.

If children shouldn't be punished for the failures of their parents, then is it ok for other children to reap the benefits of the successes of their parents? What about children born into poverty, whose parents bust ass and save and manage work themselves into a better situation? Those are the children that I see as the most valuable demographic in our society...the ones who know what it is to suffer and to work and to do without. Those are the achievers and the people who stand to make an impact on our society. By leveling the playing field, you move towards mediocrity. You remove the need for excellence. To me, that is a bigger wrong than individual suffering.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go add a few things to my ever-growing list of "Things To Warn My Offspring About."

...never trust an Irishman who is sober enough to find the 'Submit' key. ...any time a Maine beaner in chat asks you if you know the difference between a blowjob and a Caesar salad, shut down the computer immediately. Then yank the cord out of the modem. ...the top-level domain name ".uk" is reserved for gay sheep porn. Never visit a site in that domain.

Jeebus, sweet Jeebus. My head was killin' me. The swellin' from the hornet stings hadn't subsided one lick. Shit, my head looked like a beachball-sized pomegranate. My pulse felt like a mallet pounding the inside of my skull. Hell, I was so damn miserable and weak, I couldn't even muster the strength to cross my legs when I first felt the ominously nonchalant creeping of Loretta's hammy, liver-spotted hand inching across my thigh. A wave of nausea did hit me, however, triggering an uncomfortably stale, bile-enriched belch.

Not that I gave a rat's ass, but the growling of my escaping gut-vapors was drowned out by a cacophony that only stone-deaf or glibly charitable souls would label as singing. In an odd sort of way, it was reminiscent of the Fort Worth stockyards on sale day.

"Brayngin' in th' shaves, brayngin' in th' shaves . . . we shall come re-JOY-sang, brayngin' in th' shaves . . . ." On and on it went--This Little Light Of Mine; Onward Christian Soldiers!; Amazing Grace; etc.--all the classic hymns were corrupted in similar fashion. I couldn't help but notice, however, that Fred really seemed to like it. He was parked on my leg, as usual, a-howlin' and bawlin' for all he was worth.

Peace, at last! The tent grew mercifully quiet as that jackass Wonderaz arose and approached the pulpit (a 55-gallon drum covered with a surplus army blanket). Slowly stretching his hands outward, he rattled, "Brothers an' sister-zuh! Bow yore heads with me as we pray-yuh!"

"Our father, son an' holy ghost! Bless all those who gives da most! A-me-yun!"

"Amen", the crowd muttered in response.

Our Reverend Jackass jumped right to his so-called sermon. "Today, we will learn that giving is the key to faith-uh! The more y'all give, the stronger yore faith-uh! In fact, today y'all be provided the opportunity to have your faith tested by the deadly venemous serpent, the instrument of Satan, himself! Thus, if yore generosity is too small, yore faith may be found wanting and you'll suffer the bite o' the deadly serpent and . . . BURN IN HELL!! For it is written in the scripture that 'tis easier fer the rich ma-yun to crawl up the ass of the camel than it is to get tickets to the Super Bowl and so on-uh, sayeth the Lord-duh!"

My bowels rumbled a warning as I felt Loretta's fingers getting perilously close to my staff which, by now, more closely resembled a turtlehead desperately seeking refuge inside its shell.

Wonder picked up a wooden box, stuck his hand inside, and withdrew what appeared to be a snake about 3-feet long. "Be-hol-duh! The deadly ser-pent-uh!" Murmurs rippled through the little congregation as he tossed the creature from hand to hand and twirled it above his head. Pausing for dramatic effect, he then pressed the mouth of the snake against his neck and held it there. "See-yuh! My faith is strong and that's because I gave all my money and all my worldly possessions to th' min-i-stree-yuh!! Now! Who else amongst us is generous enough to test he-yuz faith?"

Oh, I should tell you that the "serpent" was just a damn rubber snake he picked up at Wal-Mart the day before. Anyway, Wonderaz bent over and appeared to put the serpent back into the wooden box. In actuality, he dropped it behind the box, then kicked it behind the pulpit.

As Wonder looked back up, Ruby Beeler sprang up from her chair and ran to the front, squealing, "Meee! Meee! My faith is strong, brother Wonderaz! Test meeee!"

"Yes, sister Rooo-bay-yuh!!", Wonder yelled and slobbered as he picked up the box. "And sister, how much is yore generous offerin' to-day-yuh?"

"All I got is fifty-seven cents!", Ruby replied, wringing her hands and hopping from foot to foot in anticipation.

"Just like the widder an' the alm-zuh! Bless you, sister! Now, place yore offerin' in the plate, then stand before me while I carefully hold the box steady-yuh!"

*Ker-plink-plink!*

"Pay close at-ten-shun, sister Rooo-bay-yuh! In this box I hold is Say-tun-zuh deadly serpent! On my signal, you will reach yore hay-yund inside the hole in this box and seek out the ser-pent-uh! If you have faith, the Lord will guide yore hay-und and when yore hay-und finds the serpent, you must hold it until such time as the Lord gives me the sign for you to release the ser-pen-tuh! Do you un-der-sta-yund?"

"Yes! Yes! I'm ready, brother Wonder! I can already feel my faith getting stronger!"

"Okay, then! Let th' test be-gi-yun!" Thereupon, brother jackass motioned to Ruby to stick her hand in the hole. She did.

About that time, cold chills shot up and down my spine. Though my "turtlehead" had successfully retreated, my poor, defenseless cods had reached maximum shrivelage as Loretta's clammy, hammy fingers slowly enveloped my nut-sack. This was so wrong. Soooo very, very wrong.

Suddenly, Ruby broke the silence. In a husky voice, she stuttered, "I-I-I think I-I'm t-touching the s-serpent, b-b-brother W-Wonderaz! . . . Oooo!? . . . It's warm! Very warm!!"

"Well, test your faith! Squeeze that serpent, sister Rooo-bay-yuh!"

"Squeeze it?" Sister Ruby looked puzzled.

"Yeah! OH YEAH!! Keep sku-WEEEE-zin that serpent . . . just like that! Oooohhh . . . uh-uh-uh . . . G-G-GOOD GAWD A-MIGHTY!!!"

BONK!! The box dropped abruptly to the dirt as Ruby suddenly pulled her hand from the box and cried, "Oh dear! Oh dear! The serpent's spitting venom! I'm going to burn in hell!!"

The "serpent" was spittin' venom, alright, while that jackass Wonderaz swooned with his eyes rolled back in his head. Ruby momentarily studied her hand, then looked back at the purple-helmeted abomination now in plain sight for all to witness. She fainted.

Unfortunately for the Right Reverend Wonderaz, Ruby's husband, Donnie Doyle Beeler, was not a good sport about the whole thing. He took it all in for several seconds, furiously chewin' a plug o' Beechnut, with his head slightly tilted to the side. All of a sudden, he bolted from his seat and pulled a revolver from a pocket in his overalls.

"You SUMBITCH!! Yore ass is MINE!", Donnie yelled as he raised that pistol and began firing away. BAM-BAM-BAM!!!! The lead flew.

I'm not sure what happened after that. The gunfire apparently startled Loretta, 'cause she gripped my nuts so hard I passed out. I think she gave me a heart attack, or somethin'.

Anyway, the next thing I remembered was wakin' up in a hospital bed. The swelling in my head had gone down quite a bit, but when I reached under the sheet to scratch my balls, I damn near shit in the bed. My cod-bag was as big as a honey dew melon! Just as I was about to cry, the phone rang. I picked up the receiver, put it to my ear, and heard the all too familiar braying of the jackass--"Jeb! Jeb! Git off yore ass an' come git me! I need bail money, NOW! Jeb! . . . Jeb? . . . JEB!! . . . ."

That's all I heard because at that moment, Loretta walked into my room. One look at her and I immediately passed out, again. Thank Jeebus.

Amen.

And remember when we hinted around about having the content be user driven, and have YOU, the members, help us update the main page?
Well, this is it!

We call it User Updates. Creative, huh? Basically, every day or so, random users will recieve an e-mail giving them a unique password and a URL. There, they can write up, post, or submit whatever they like, and once it is submitted, our editorial staff will give it the once over, and we will post it on our mainpage.

Eventually the process will happen automatically x number of times a day where a random Asylum member is sent an invite to update the front page, but right now who receives the invites is up to the admins. We are trying to be random about it, and spamming the forum with "I WANT TO UPDATE DAMMIT" won't help your case whatsoever, but ONE single email to an admin letting us know you're interested will.

All you need to know now is that some of you will be receiving e-mails regarding the User Updates, meaning it is "your turn". These should be a bit more, not formal, but "better", than your average post. You should try and put some effort into it. And fear not if you submit it and it is not immediately posted, we have a well-oiled machine they go through.

Five O'clock is an ungodly hour to awaken, but JEB and I had a busy day planned and this a perfect time to sneak out of the Rest Home as the staff would be busy serving dinner.

As usual, we had made very concise escape plans, which required split second timing to effect. JEB would hopefully remember them as I was rather preoccupied with trying to figure out why my pants were on inside out and backwards and was concentrating on remembering whether it was a result of a successful rendezvous with the barmaid last night or some horribly unwholesome incident that would require a bout of heavy drinking to erase from my memory.

Our plans were almost for naught due to an inadvertent outburst on my part. I had stealthily crept down to JEB's room and after picking his lock, gone in and let out a horrified scream when I saw Elephant Boy lying on the floor, snoring away.

The previous day came flooding back into my mind as I stood there staring at his lumpy visage.

Most of the day had been fairly typical; we had been able to get out of the Home fairly early due to JEB's invitation to, once again, explain himself to the judge. The charges had been dropped due to the prosecution's inability to produce their witness in a timely fashion (I figured the distributor cap that our lawyer, Clettis J. Pettibone Jr, Esquire, had in his briefcase may have had something to do with that).

Anyway, we decided to celebrate JEB's victory and wound up at Art's Basshole after discovering that there was apparently some residual animosity from the previous night's foray at the first three bars we stopped at and we felt the need to find a more hospitable clime until things cooled off a bit around town.

The Basshole has always been a safe haven because Art never remembers anything that happened more than 3 hours ago due to his propensity for the Demon Rum.

So after toasting just about every aspect of the courtroom drama that we could think of and a few dozen more that we made up, we decided that we should drive down to the river and snag up a fish or two for old Art's supper in as much as we didn't have the money to pay for all the booze we drank much less the beer we just swiped to fish with.

We borrowed a big cooler full of ice from Art, telling him it was to keep the fish fresh and when he ran back inside to see if there was any beer missing from the bar, we roared off to the river.

Not wanting to stop in case Art was in hot pursuit, JEB was pulling out the beers we had procured from Art and stored under the seat and was sticking them in the cooler through the sliding window in the back of the cab when we hit a bump and the chest slid out off his reach. Undaunted, JEB stuffed the remaining beers in his shirt and opened the door to the truck at 60 mph, climbing out and swinging over into the bed of the truck in a fashion that would have made a Hollywood stuntman look like an amateur considering the state of drunkenness he was in.

We had a ways to go to get to a spot where Art wouldn't find us and I hollered out the back window of the pickup for JEB to hand me a beer to cut the dust, as those back roads can make a man mighty thirsty.

JEB had planted himself on the icechest in the back of the truck with his own beer and the old curmudgeon refused to get up so we commenced to hollerin' at each other while barreling down the road. Now I had turned around in order to make sure he was payin' attention to me so I have to admit I wasn't quite as aware of where the truck was goin' as I should have been, so by the time that he did get around to handing me a beer, we had taken a course that didn't include a road.

Discontinuing our forward progress seemed to be a prudent course of action at that time as we were heading for some trees that didn't seem to have enough space to drive the truck between so I hit the brakes which in JEB's truck didn't always mean you were going to stop anytime soon.

Well, it seems the trees stood within the necessary space that the truck needed to stop in so I picked a likely one out and used it to culminate our cessation of motion. Now, just prior to the tree and the front of the truck becoming as one, so to speak, ole JEB was climbing over the tailgate, fixin' to bail out and leave me to my own devices. Unfortunately his timing was off and he was flung forward and slammed into the back of the cab upside down with his big ass firmly stuck in the open sliding window.

Now I must admit that from my point of view that his position was a little more than humorous and I was unable to assist him in freeing himself as I was, well, justa laughin' my ass off.

Now the strangest thing happened just as I was fixin' to help him. When I turned around, my foot came off the clutch and the truck made just the teeniest bump against that tree and this great big hornets nest just plopped right down into the back of that truck!

Boy, was I surprised. Now JEB, despite his awkward position, was able to figure out what that nest was right off and commenced to screamin' anda flailin' like all get out, particularly since those hornets were starting to swarm out of the nest and didn't seem very happy about the situation.

Now, I knew my old buddy was in dire straits so as soon as I got the window rolled up I finished off the beer so as to free up both hands and lept into action, determined to save my dear old pal from a fate worse than and possibly including death.

Bringing to play my extensive knowledge of wildlife, I figured that even JEB's truck could either outrun or outlast those hornets, plus I didn't see the sense in me getting out of the truck as hornets tend to get the best of one in hand to hand combat. So I backed the truck up and took off with ole JEB justa a hollerin' like a banshee, still stuck in that window.

Now I gotta tell ya, those hornets gave us a run for our money and kept JEB slappin' anda screeching for a good 5 miles, even after he had managed to fling the nest out, but they finally tired out and we lost them.

When we finally got back to town, I figured the smartest thing to do was to just leave the truck parked just down from the fire station and go find a bar to call 911 and have them pry him loose. I woulda done it myself but the ungrateful bastard had gone into way too much detail as to what he was gonna do to me when he got loose and I figured he needed a little time away from me to collect his thoughts and remember who had just saved his life.

Anyways, the lumpyness doesn't look as bad as it did. He wasn't that excitin' to look at before all this anyway.

What the hell was that? Nice opening, nutsack. Did we get out of the wrong side of the bed this morning? Or, perhaps in your case I should ask, did you wake up beside 3 cross-dressing dock-workers who all have the trademark Crusty Cage Cum stuck to their chins again? I've told you before man, the drugs and alcohol are fine, just not together. You know shit like this happens when you decide to party. P/C is a damn great idea, you're just pissed because the P comes first is all.

If you've finished being all menstrual on me, I should ask at which point did I come across as being 'bleeding heart, love thy neighbour'? I'm fully prepared to accept that I'm completely sheet- metal-rules; it's the price I pay for having a T3 line and about 7 computers to fiddle with. Anyway, so what if I have a penchant for plasticity theory? I've noticed that you've been very tight-lipped about what you do when you're not shaving or getting tea-bagged. Care to illuminate?

You can take that 'bleeding heart' stuff and shove it right up there. What's all that about? As far as I'm concerned, it's pretty much every man for himself down here. I'm born into this world with it's problems, but I'm not here to take responsibility for them. I care, sure, but I only have a finite amount and can't care about *everything*. Did I suddenly acquire a reputation for being all fluffy and cuddly? If so, I've really gotta work on those negative compassion points. How many girls does a guy have to reduce to tears before he gets a hardass reputation anyway?

Get back to me on this when you're done with those cross-dressers and have taken your hormone replacement therepy medication. Oh yes, and if you think anyone is actually *reading* this shit, your head is bigger than mine pal.

See? What'd I tell you guys? His first contribution turns into a 4 paragraph manifestation of near-psychotic jealousy triggered by his repressed homoerotic feelings for me. Hold on to your hats, kids.

Anyway. This here is P/C. I guess it's intended to be a regular column, inspired by Pangloss' and my tendency to take over threads and drive post counts up with our (frequently inane) exchanges of insults, points, counterpoints, etc. Get it? Point/Counterpoint? Pangloss/Cage? P/C! Pretty clever, eh? Don't worry, neither Pangloss nor myself came up with the name. Big ups to whoever did, though.

To answer your question, Pangloss, if one manages to filter out all of your posts dedicated to my sack, what's left is pretty much a big, cuddly, fluffy hug-fest. They're all about these apparently universal truths about how happiness and comfort and joy and healthcare are all some sort of basic human rights. You're always going on about how the haves owe something to the have-nots, blah, blah, blah. Sorry man, but following a girl around, pleading for dates until you've reduced her to tears does not a hardass make.

Perhaps I should insult them further by telling them that water is wet and beer will get them drunk? I think we've all got the P/C thing (and I believe kudos is owed to the MstrG - his idea).

Okay. How about this - let's keep all references from me about your nutsack and from you about these 'repressed, homoerotic tendancies' you insist I have for you under wraps for now, okay? Otherwise this could get tedious.

Whatever impression I've given you about my view on philanthropy, perhaps I'll just restate it for clarity. While I believe that we, as individuals, should not feel responsible for every bleeding-heart case out there,

I do believe that we, as a society, have a responsibility to 'the greater good' - or what ever you want to call it. The haves do not _owe_ anything to the have-nots, but I feel at some level there should be some sense of enforced fairness.

Can we say 'communism'? That's not what I'm on about, so don't go getting all Marxist on me. All I mean is that it strikes me as being generally unfair that Joe Bloggs is born into the lap of luxury while John Doe fights for every meal somewhere else. If this is all 'fluffy hug-fest' then you may kiss my cuddly ass. What's your take on it? (keep an eye on him folks, he's probably going to get all authoritive and start quoting Machiavelli and using game theory to show that being a miserable fuck pays dividends)

Oh, come on. You took the name Pangloss. He's the poster boy for blind optimism. Doesn't get much cuddlier than blind optimism.

Anyway, you asked for it...here's my take:

1) There is no greater good.

2) I'm all for personal acts of charity, but don't feel that anyone necessarily SHOULD engage in such. And Jebus help anyone who tells me that I should do so, be they a government, a religion, or an Angry Irishman.

3) When examined on a case-by-case basis, life isn't fair. The fact that horrible, painful, unfair things can happen to everybody is the what makes it fair, when examined on a Big Picture basis.

4) Might, as they say, makes right. This is Unfair. However, as an extension of #3, above: if I don't think the person who is currently flexing his might is right, then I can use my might to destroy him, and all will be right.

Well, I guess I'll leave it at that, for now. I guess since I was up first, you get the last word, Pangloss. Try to make it something more memorable than your standard "Of course I'm sure I can handle another Guinness!"

You're just pissy because PaintCHiPs thought Pangloss was a really good nick and Cage was a so-so one. For the uninitiated, Docteur Pangloss is a character in Voltaire's Eighteenth Century novel, 'Candide'. A man of most assuredly weak personal philosophy, but better than naming yourself after a man who was once a fine actor ... err ... Fuck. I digress. I think Nick Cage is a fine actor and can't fault him. Perhaps I could say 'Con Air', but we'll move on.

1) Of course there is a greater good. What are we here, all self-serving automatons running the course? The only way we survive is cooperation. That is the greater good.

2) Adopting a laisse-faire attitude to the rest of society is weak. It's like the people who never do a day's honest work in their lives, take state benfit and then justify it by saying 'you're not my responsibility.'

3) That gross generalisation deserves to be taken out of this column and shot. Twice. The typical problems Mr. Cushy Middle-America (darn it, where did I leave my car keys?) are not comparable to the problems of Mr. Crackpot Middle-Eastern Dictatorship (darn it, where will I live now that Clinton has blown up my house, killed my wife, caused my kids to be conscripted and got blood on my best shirt - all because he thought it might get him another term?)

4) See #3)

I get to have the last word here? Why, how very magnanimous of you. Let me think for a moment. Oh, wait, where did I put that pint of Guinness ...?