Allow me to confuse you further:

Part 1: The Dislike of Sunlight.

I’ve always preferred night to day, dark to light. Working a nightshift for the past 2 years has only strengthened this preference. I find I function better during late evening and the midnight hours. I think more clearly. I am more alert. But more importantly, I find myself comfortable. Comfortable with my lonely surroundings.

I like the peace and quiet. The world is asleep. The stars blink in the sky overlooking deserted streets. And somehow I feed off this. I feel in control. I am in control.

I also hate the summer. At least, I dislike summertime in London, even though you could argue that it’s never much of a summer. But when it’s hot, it can be very humid. London, with its over-pollution and high pollen counts, has a devastating effect on me. I have to drug myself up with antihistamines to survive. While people sit out in the sun in Hyde Park sunbathing, I find myself indoors. I would prefer to be abroad to enjoy weather in excess of 30 degrees centigrade. Autumn in London is far more pleasurable. But I much prefer the winter.

Give me dark grey skies over blue sun drenched ones. I like the weather to be epic. Thunderstorms and blistering rain.

This anti-social behaviour continues to evolve. The nightshift that I work has only helped enforce my inclinations. My sleeping patterns have cemented them.

Part 2: Sleep

When working, I sleep from 10am until 4pm. When I’m off, I still tend to oversleep until mid-day, and stay up to around 5am before going to sleep.

As I have already stated, I get this overwhelming sense of control during the night. I write more constructively. I feel more inspirational. I feed off, the fact that while everyone is asleep, ready for an early start the next morning, I am awake, working/thinking. I understand this sounds flawed. You could argue that the majority of people think and work better during the day, and that I am simply anti-social and a loner. Maybe. Maybe not. Probably.

So, night is where all the (lack of) action is. Therefore, sleep is the answer to waste the daytime away. And the act of sleep has played an integral part in all of this gibberish.

Nearly a third of life is spent sleeping. Immense information is given and received during that period. The experiences which are had during this time can be enriching.

You can make what you wish in regards to the break in consciousness between the waking and sleeping states. Some never remember their dreams. Others look forward to them.

And then there are those who prefer to take control of their dreams and live them out in a lucid state. And those who are controlled by them, suffering from sleep paralysis and awakenings.

A while ago, overwhelmed in paranoia, I believed I was suffering from mild narcolepsy. At this time my sleeping pattern was fucked. There was no pattern.

Hallucinations, vivid, often frightening, dream-like experiences, occur while falling asleep or waking up.

My doctor disagreed with me. He felt I was simply suffering from sleep deprivation. Insomnia? I wasn’t too sure. Although I didn’t suffer from decrease of muscle control I did experience sleep attacks, which would often result in extreme hallucinations and sleep paralysis.

So enter hallucinations and enter into the land of confusion. Visions of a vampires and demons first started to occur at this juncture.

Forever tired even when having slept. Tormented in sleep and waking, I was a mess.

Without the help of anti-depressants, I gradually re-structured my sleeping pattern to something that resembled borderline normality. I would sleep for 7-9 hours, but still only during the daytime. So I was on a permanent nightshift. Even when I wasn’t working, I was still up and about during the night. But that wasn’t a problem because of my lack of fondness for the daytime.

Sleep paralysis continued though, but I was eventually able to overcome it. And with this a new problem was created.

When you ‘awake’ within your dreams and became lucid, your environment will depend on when exactly you gatecrashed your subconscious. You could be flying in the skies above the pyramids, or driving a car through a futuristic Bladerunner world.

But when I break out of sleep paralysis, I tend to experience an awakening dream. I wake up (but of course I am still asleep) in my own bed in my own house. It’s always nighttime. At first, it was difficult to recognize whether I was truly asleep or not. Reality tests would help prove if I was. Personally, I have always found that an ‘awakening dream’ experience is more lifelike than a lucid dream.

(These dreams are great. It’s like being in a holo-deck from the Star Trek universe. There’s a lot to say for walking around in you subconscious. Of course, like a holo-deck not everything ‘works’ - for want of a better word. For example, you cannot turn a light on and off in a dream, read, etc. And normal social behaviour tends to be non-existent).

But while I have control of my environment when lucid, during an awakening I have no control of my surroundings.
The same pattern is always followed with such an awakening.

Part 3: The Dream

I * awake *, wearing black clothes. No one else is in the house, and all electrical appliances and the like appear to be missing. No PC, TV, microwave, etc.

Elsewhere in the house there is only dimmed lighting. There are no mirrors. Outside there is a full moon. It is slightly misty, though the stars shine brightly enough to be seen.

I have never seen my reflection, but I can feel the fangs in my mouth.

My neighbourhood in reality differs vastly from the dream state. In real life, I am not too far from a high street and busy road. In the awakening, the area around my house appears to be slightly more detached. There is a feeling of being deeper within the countryside and in another time period.

It’s almost London by Gaslight. I half expect Jack the Ripper to walk past me.

Even though I am lucid and in control of my actions, I feel that there's something within me controlling my instincts.

And my instincts cry out for: BLOOD

So what do I do in this gothic-like dreamscape? Well, I go on a walkabout and vamp out now and again.

I have lost count of the necks I have bitten. I’m a fucking monster. I never used to discriminate against the sex of my victims. Blood is blood, regardless of the person. I need my nourishment. But I now much prefer to lunch out on the neck of a woman. Sucking the blood out of the neck of a bloke is…well, a bit gay.

So, not only am I a vampire, I’m a homophobic vampire. The point is, my dream persona evolves with each dream.

Its such a great rush killing someone...err...I...*cough*...I...better re-think that one. I suppose, it’s not really me running around, sucking the life from people, but a subconscious paradox of sorts. I mean, it's just a dream. So I shouldn’t feel guilty enjoying the moment. Because I’m only killing figments of my imagination...Ok, this paragraph is weird. Please ignore.

I have yet to be chased by a Peter Cushing type character and have seen no stakes or garlic. So, it’s been an easy ride for Count Junkcula.

The dreams always end in the same way.

The way I awake from the dream is almost poetic, in some weird subliminal way. All of a sudden the moon will disappear from the sky and be replaced by a burning sun. I never escape its rays and, as legends tell of vampires turning into ashes when in sunlight – so do I. Well, sort of. I lose lucidity and wake up in a state of shock.

I always find myself thinking: WHAT THE FUCK?

I have no idea why I should be having a recurring dream of this magnitude. It’s fucking insane.

CONCLUSION (?)

Ok, I admit that disliking the humid weather with the conviction that I do is pretty anti-social. I spend half of my waking life awake at night because that’s when I work. So, obviously I must like working nights.

But vampire tendencies? Well, I don’t bite. Well, what I mean to say is that I don’t go around biting strangers. I like to bite apples. I’d playfully bite a girlfriend in a sexual way if she liked that sort of thing as well.

But sucking blood? Never. Though I have an obsession with drowning almost everything I eat with tomato ketchup. Not exactly the same thing. And a while back there was this one girlfriend that enjoyed biting my body. But that’s another story altogether. I do hate garlic, but I like a good well done steak (blame GFY! influence for that pun).

Though, pretty much like a vampire, I have always been fascinated with the concept of living forever. Even though to want to do so would be admission of loneliness. Everyone around you, friends and family, would die as you continue to live. Though it wouldn’t matter much if you were a vampire because they would die on account of you killing them.

So, the evidence? Well, having read everything above this sentence, my conclusion would be that I am utterly insane. What the fuck is my point? Do I have some deep-rooted psychological problem that strives my subconscious to encourage my conscious self to live out a fantasy to be Dracula?

I suppose in reality I am just a nighttime person. But what the fuck are the dreams all about?

The last visit to my gothic vampish existence in snoozeland resulted with me... well, I don’t even know if I should talk about it, but if I said “blood-orgy-in-a-farm-yard” I think you may get the picture.

But the scariest thing of all is, all of a sudden – for no inexplicable reason – I feel sympathy for the vampires killed by that bitch Buffy.

She’ll get her comeuppance someday soon. Till then, I will continue to vamp out and suck blood.

P.S. someone please drive a stake through my heart.

* urbanjunkie walks into the suppository *

* he is followed by mr. joe public *

URBANJUNKIE: Do you actually want to listen to what I have to say?

JOE PUBLIC: Yes, I do. I want to hear your reasoning behind drug taking. You claim to be a supporter of the drug culture that surrounds the clubbing scene. I personally think it’s sad and pathetic that people like you seem to require drugs in order to enjoy yourselves. So go ahead, I'm listening. Tell me why taking an E is so damn important...

URBANJUNKIE: You find it sad and pathetic? Why?

JOE PUBLIC: Why not just enjoy the night the way it is naturally? Soak up the atmosphere and enjoy the music as yourself, without alien chemicals running through your body.

URBANJUNKIE: So you would prefer a club full of people tanked up on alcohol, when we all know that drinking will make you more aggressive. You'd prefer a club full of nutters, fighting in the terraces as opposed to people on E's smiling and being overwhelmingly happy?

JOE PUBLIC: Next you’re going to say without popping a pill there’s no chance of becoming one with the music. Well? If you don’t take drugs you won’t enjoy yourself as much. That’s what you lot preach isn’t it? Well it’s bollocks. It’s part of drug culture mythology.

URBANJUNKIE: Can I ask you a question?

JOE PUBLIC: Go on.

URBANJUNKIE: Have you ever taken an E?

JOE PUBLIC: No.

URBANJUNKIE: Then you do not have a single motherfucking right to comment on the subject.

JOE PUBLIC: Oh please. Go on then, druggie...educate me.

URBANJUNKIE: That would be impossible, but I'll give it a go. You see, your attitude is typical bullshit banter that gets thrown around by morons like you all the time. People like you who have never tried drugs are in no position to comment. If you hate people pushing drugs onto you, that’s fair enough. But it works both ways. Understand that the people who do the drugs can’t stand someone like you turning to them with your "I'm obviously smarter than you attitude." You see no point in doing them; that’s your opinion.

I respect that a lot of people have no interest in ecstasy or speed but they don’t comment on things they don’t know about. Because they have no experience of the other side of the coin. Learn from them. The complaint that clubbers have a bad reputation for doing these drugs has been earned. A high percentage of clubbers regularly use them with more and more trying all the time. Most people in clubs after 2 a.m. are on some kind of stimulant depending, of course, on the club and area.

JOE PUBLIC: Great. Clubs full of people with no control over their actions. Thank you very much, but I prefer to be in full control of my actions.

URBANJUNKIE: What, when you’re tanked up on ten pints? The ecstasy boom completely rejuvenated the clubbing scene. It’s euphoric. People become one on the dance floor or in a field. Everyone loves everyone. There’s a complete overwhelming sense of unity with the people around you and with the music. As to your comment about being in control, anyone who does ecstasy or speed regularly knows that you are always in control, you know exactly what you are doing, and you regain the ability to bring yourself down enough to deal with any serious situation. Drugs will always be around, so get used to it.

JOE PUBLIC: I don’t know about that. Always in control?

URBANJUNKIE: Okay, so maybe dosage matters.

JOE PUBLIC: If taking drugs were safe, it would be legal. Its not legal, therefore it’s not safe. I won’t be seduced into taking anything just because you romanticise it. You make the whole experience sound like coming face to face with God.

URBANJUNKIE: No one is forcing you to pop pills. But don’t make assumptions against something that you would need to experience first before being able to criticise. And don’t force your opinions on others. And yes, it can be like coming face to face with God.

JOE PUBLIC: So being stoned out of your head makes you appreciate the music more? That it takes a pill to actually appreciate the sounds around you?

URBANJUNKIE: Ecstasy has its effect flooding the brain with serotonin and dopamine, so music can sound better on it.

JOE PUBLIC: I'll take your word for it. But I’ve heard that taking MDMA too often will start to put holes in your head.

URBANJUNKIE: MDMA works very well the first few times you try it. But I agree that too much could harm you.

JOE PUBLIC: So you admit, it’s dangerous.

URBANJUNKIE: Like everything in life, take in moderation. And if you’re not sure, don’t take at all. Someone once compared MDMA to a glimpse of enlightenment. And that’s what the dance scene is. A place where people go to take drugs. But that doesn’t mean everyone, and it still doesn’t mean people who aren’t on it will have a lesser time enjoying themselves. But even having said that, it’s still not comparable to being on it. It’s in the eye of the beholder. All people are different.

It’s as simple as this:

People should be free to explore the realms of their own consciousness as long as it doesn’t impinge on the freedom of others.

Ecstasy isn’t just taken for music; it’s also a euphoric feel-good drug. People only want to be happy and that will only add to the vibe in most cases. But there are exceptions. Where the person in their normal state is a wanker but turns good on a superman pill, it does intensify emotion so sometimes a wanker remains a wanker.

JOE PUBLIC: I still don’t see the point. It would appear people, like you, need help with having a good time.

URBANJUNKIE: It’s not about having a good time. It’s about enhancement. I will never be able to help you fully understand the feelings that you experience while under the influence of an E, but I would never tell you to go try one out. That would be as bad as you telling a user to give it up. It’s a personal thing.

Mr X was clubbing for 8 months before he decided he would try it out. There was no pressure from anyone at the time and it was his own decision. He’s glad he did it. Like me.

JOE PUBLIC: The way you talk you would think taking drugs is a must. That ecstasy is perfection.

URBANJUNKIE: Ecstasy is aptly named. Like I said, I can have a good time without it, but on it, it just elevates me to another plane.

JOE PUBLIC: That good, hey?

URBANJUNKIE: The sarcasm in your voice is easily detected. You should learn to be more deadpan.

JOE PUBLIC: So you do believe it’s perfection then?

URBANJUNKIE: Was once. The drug has mutated and the quality has fallen over the last few years. If you speak to a seasoned veteran, he or she will tell you that. For the kids today it’s not really the same, but they don’t realise it. It’s not exactly the summer of love anymore.

JOE PUBLIC: I still have no intention of indulging with ecstasy. I agree that compared to the effects of alcohol, it has advantages over the atmosphere that a club has. I just feel that people shouldn’t have to create an illusion for themselves when it comes to music and clubbing. But I know what you're gonna say. I need to take it to understand why others do. It’s just that I never will. I get high naturally. I get high on the music and the sounds and just feeling good about myself. I’ll be cheating if I use a stimulant.

URBANJUNKIE: It’s your prerogative. But if you fail to see why I take it, I fail to see the logic in your argument for not taking it. You just admitted that it has an advantage over alcohol. And compare alcohol-related deaths to ecstasy-related deaths.

JOE PUBLIC: Okay, that’s a different argument altogether. I just think that why take drugs when the atmosphere in a club can already appear to be euphoric to you in the first place?

URBANJUNKIE: It's like what salt does to your food...the food might taste fine without it, but add a little salt and it tastes better

JOE PUBLIC: Now that depends whether you like salt or not...

* door opens, both men walk out of suppository, agreeing to disagree *

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Ecstasy: Some history and background information.

It was developed in 1912 by the Germans as a slimming pill. When you take ecstasy/MDMA it travels in your blood stream to your brain; the action in your brain is to release serotonin and dopamine. These are called neurotransmitters because they control the messages transmitted between neurons (brain cells).

In normal life these neurotransmitters alter mood to suit our particular situation, e.g., the neurotransmitter adrenaline is released to create the mood of excitement in situations where we need to be alert. Similarly, serotonin is released naturally to create the mood for situations such as being in love, and dopamine is released to suppress pain in situations where we are hurt but have to carry on, like in sport.

The effect of MDMA is to force our brain to change mood by allowing messages to flow that would normally be blocked:

Its like if you imagine a dripping tap to be how the serotonin is deployed in normal day to day life...when you take MDMA it’s like turning the tap on full and thus intensifying all your senses.

The combination of the drug with music and dancing can produce a trancelike state, similar to a tribal ceremony; it allows the music and movements to blend and produces a feeling of group celebration (nobody knows how the drug achieves this, as no other similar drug can).

So you can imagine a club full of people that have no fear, decreased aggression, no paranoia and just a feeling of love and the need to move with the music. The emotions experienced are truly amazing, you feel like you’re “one with the music” and the crowd. Nothing else matters apart from the music and the moment. MDMA is said to have stopped all the trouble in the terraces in the late 80s and 90s. Even soccer fans were meeting in dance clubs and, because of the effects of the drugs, instead of fighting started talking and later, hugging each other. The experience is different when taken quietly with friends; it’s not as intense.

Even so, there is a danger. The long-term side effects are yet to be established.

For more information: http://ecstasy.org/