Time is a fickle thing. It goes on with or without any of us, yet it dictates every single one of our lives. “Life is short” they say, yet I still feel like I have lived many lifetimes in my short 21 years of existence. How can this be? I ask myself that question many times, if only I could get answers. I ask myself many questions that have yet to be answered. Like the ever present “Why am I here?” or along the same lines “What is my purpose in life?” Maybe I have no purpose and I am simply here to exist. But that cannot be! There has to be a reason, right?

My existence could be nothing more than to live, love, and learn. But I have a problem accepting that. I have so many things going through my head on the way things should be, but no one listens. To the world I am just another 21 year old trying to survive. I see so much more in myself though. I know I have potential to be something great, I just don’t know what it is, or how to get there. Some say to me “Go back to school!” Why? I have never liked school. That’s why I quit in the first place. I prefer to learn on my own. It is much easier for me. I absorb knowledge easier on my own. So to me, that is out of the question. I think many times about being famous, almost to the point of obsession at times. ‘If only I could start a band, yeah! That would be fantastic!’ But then the logic side of my brain overshadows the imaginative part, and I am left with the knowledge that it is hard to get a band into the big time, no matter how good ones message is. What about being an actor? I could do that, right? Nah, I am no good at acting. That’s why I quit drama club. What could my claim to fame be? Well I guess being famous is out of the question.

It’s time for a little story. My last job. I loved that job, it was easy, I was comfortable, I was making decent money, but I got fired. Want to guess why? “You are too smart to work here.” That is what my boss told me. Too smart? How could that be? I am getting fired for being too smart?! I was in shock. He had told me about this vicious circle that he saw me in. I was damn smart, but had no pieces of paper to back it up. So I kept going around and around and not living up to my full potential. So he fires me. I still don’t understand that and I am still quite angry over it.

So I am back searching for my purpose in life. My mother has told me time and time again that she still hasn’t figured out what she wants to do in life. She is only talking about employment though. I am talking about so much more. Sure I want to find employment that I am happy with, but I want to find a reason for being. This existence is so simple, yet I make it so complicated. Or is it the other way around? I’m not sure anymore.

I have always asked too many questions for as long as I can remember. I used to get in trouble in school for “disrupting the class” for asking questions about a certain topic that the teacher was discussing, but because whatever teacher I had at the time couldn’t move on because I wanted questions answered, I was disrupting the class. It made no sense to me then, and still doesn’t. It’s no wonder I dislike school as much as I do.

Yet another question that I am sure many of you have asked yourselves, and one I ask on a daily basis is “Will I ever fall in love?” Some of you are already experiencing the bliss known as love, and need not ask yourselves that question anymore, but there are so many more of us out there who are quite alone. I have been in love once, the most amazingly wonderful and horribly terrible experience at the same time. She was so wonderful. Everything I could have asked for and more, only one problem, she saw me as a toy, someone she could play around with until she got sick of and then threw me out like trash. I don’t really blame her as much as I blame myself. Sure, she did indeed string me along, but I knew it was happening and didn’t want to admit it to myself. Because of that one experience, it shot my self-esteem; my self worth went right down the drain. I went into a period of heavy drinking and smoking a whole lot of weed. I thought those two things were the best way to cure my depression. I realized I was wrong soon enough and stopped. But the damage to my very being had been done. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw nothing but ugly. Everything about me was ugly. I beat up on myself quite a bit. I had a few fleeting relationships, and in them I needed reassurance that who ever it was really did care for me. They always ended badly, and I can honestly say I have never had a “good” relationship, what defines a good relationship anyway? Doesn’t matter right now.

Let me get to my point about love. Here I am, I’ve met someone absolutely wonderful. Someone who makes me smile just by thinking about her, someone who I can’t wait to talk to, and no matter what we talk about, I enjoy every last second of it. I am scared shitless. I haven’t felt this way in a very long time, yet here I am feeling it. I don’t know what to do, I suppose that is why I am asking all these questions to myself yet again. Trying to reevaluate everything, and make sure there is nothing wrong with me. I have gotten advice from people that I should just go with the flow, and let things happen. I have a real hard time doing that. I want to make sure I am doing the right thing, I want to know she is the one for me. I will not know either of those things right now. No one can answer those questions. They won’t be answered until it’s the right time, or until it’s too late.

So it all comes back to time. Wounds heal over time. All questions answer with time. I guess that’s the downfall to being an impatient person, time never moves fast enough to satisfy my need to know. Jim Morrison said it best. This is the strangest life I have ever known.