|
|
(ROOTERS ## Otisfield, ME) Never let it be said that Bradley Dilbeck Porterstein, up-and-coming Mcdonald's fry cook, lacks ambition. In a stunning shakeup in the corporate world of McDonald's, it was announced that Porterstein was being promoted from the french fry vats to the sesame seed bun warmer.
"It's not really about the money," said Porterstein, whose hard efforts were recognized with a 12-cent per hour raise in pay. "No, it's all about pride."
He continued, "I mean, I asked myself if I really wanted to stay on french fries the rest of my life and I ultimately had to admit the answer was 'no'. True, I had mastered all the secret fry-techniques, but in recent months, the passion just wasn't there. That was when I finally broke down, walked into Sid Talley's, he's my shift-manager, office, shut that door behind me and asserted myself!"
More like "inserted himself", said Clarence Vining, former sesame seed bun warmer technician who was contacted the following day. Vining, summarily demoted after Porterstein's closed-door session, has filed a complaint with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC), charging Porterstein and his shift supervisor with sexual discrimination. "I don't believe for one minute that no-good, lying Porterstein ever really went back into the closet, like he says he did. Fact is, he's the most brazen brown-noser I've ever seen. You don't believe me, just take one look at him! It's written all over his face. He just literally sucked up to the bossman and before I knew what hit me, WHAM! I'm dunkin' french fry baskets," he said.
Asylumnation reporters attempted to contact Porterstein and Talley for a response to Vining's accusations, but were advised they were attending a "career enrichment seminar" for the remainder of the week, reportedly at an out-of-town Motel 6.
|
|
|
|
|
|
 (Hooters ## Sedona, AZ) Many reports of an unidentified flying jackass hovering over the Arizona desert came streaming in last weekend. A 9-1-1 operator reportedly stated "People are justifiably in a state of panic, it is after all a frightening thought".
While many visitors have fled the city, some local old timers remained calm. "It's just that jackass flying his balloon again" said J. Dickellover of Sedona, as if such an abhorration were a normal occurrence.
Sedona, which is not far from the infamous Area 51, has been flooded with UFO seekers and conspiracy theorists, however the federal government maintains that the sighting was nothing more than a low flying weather balloon.
|
|
|
|
|
 |
Anal Sex Month. Can anyone remember the last time we had an anal sex month? Jeez, I can't remember, it's surely been a long time. In fact, i'm not even sure October is legitimately Anal Sex Month, but since the holiday has gone by unobserved for so long i'm redefining anal sex month as mid-October through mid-November.
I also want to dedicate this Anal Sex Month to a very speshal poster here at The Asylum. So special and so inspirational, that in fact i've decided to re-name Anal Sex Month altogether this year after her and her monumental accomplishments. Let's hear it for Bunkum's Virgin Asshole Cherry Buster Month!!! *pause for applause*
Before we delve into our dear bunkums recent ass-ripping experience, let us re-visit the history of anal sex for the newcomers this year.
The young generation take a lot of things for granted: Cable T.V., remote controls, cellular phones, automatic transmissions, cd players, computers, high-speed internet, food, water, easily accessable hunting rifles, drugs, friends who are old enough to buy smokes/booze, moms cash drawer, competent doctors, funeral plots, and of course promiscuous anal sex.
Legitimate anal sex is historically a very new practice, and has only existed since the mid-70's. An alternate, satanic form of anal sex existed before then, and still exists today, however it is discredited by every legitimate anal sex authority in existence, and scorned by the general public becaue of it's vulgar indecency. This method is sometimes referred to as "gay anal", however hundreds of synonyms have been attributed to the vile act.
 Gay Anal is achieved when a male penetrates the rectum of another male with his erect member. Yes, please take a second to gag on your vomit, it is a vile, perverse, putrid practice that only leads to spreading the homo poison to us straight, god-fearing W.A.S.P.s.
Now that the facts are in order we may get back to our favourite anal recipient, bunkum dearest. While I applaud the revelatin of her newfound anal fixation, this isn't exactly the first time it's come up, as she seems to imply.
While i've never banged her asshole in the flesh, I can tell you it is damn near virtual reality in ivisit. I slapped on some warm beef liver and i couldnt tell the difference. No way that girl is an ass virgin.
Bunkum's case as she pleads it seems to be quite convincing on the surface, but it's really a cover-up for  her own anal perverion. She claims that she's an ass virgin looking for anal advice, yet she hasn't even read
the anal sex bible: "The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women". It seems every American since 1982 read this book in 5th grade, except bunkum of course, she just needs to perpetuate her deception for anal masturbation material. I'm not necessarily suggesting she has lied about her anal virginity in the flesh, and perhaps she really did lose said flower as she claims, but she is hardly a newcomer to the crap mining business.
Quite conveniently for her, I am unable to post her PM's to me because of the Princess Asswhore debaucle, which is a shame because said messages would prove every word of this article. I have engaged Bunkum regularly in anal darts for 2 years now, always at her request no less.
 Perhap as I continually savage her character in public such as this she will one day cave ass first into my cock (balls deep). Until that moment, and perhaps after that moment, I may continue to, but probably will not write any more long drawn out analysises of bunkums anal sex life, because it ended up too much fucking work. maybe my next article will cover her average vaginal discharge volume.
ON BEHALF OF MYSELF, AND THE ASYLUM MANAGEMENT, WE WISH YOU A GAY MERRY ANAL SEX MONTH, AND HOPE YOU PROSPER FROM ALL YOUR ANAL ENDEAVORS.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
In a controversial effort to please Canada's population which is comprised vastly of homosexual men, they have announced their intentions to produce what has been dubbed "Cock Cash", Canadian tender featuring nude gay models proudly displaying their inferior Canadian man bits.
Criticism is not limited to the sexual theme of the designs. Some have criticized the ethinicity of the men displayed. "What the hell do they have a black dude on there for? Everyone knows there (are) no blacks in Canada." stated Mr. The Jackass of Sedona, AZ.
However, judging by the endowment of said black male, it can be assumed that Canada does in fact have one negro.
The controversy doesn't end there, however. It's been determined that at least one of the featured homosexuals is in fact a U.S. citizen. Mord E. Queer of Colorado Springs explained "I just wanted to lick cock in the cold".
An associate of Mr. Queer, Mugtoe of Minneapolis, commented "If he wanted to lick cock in the cold he should've called me".
The new currency is expected to be released in early 2003.
Pictured left to right: bowmore, CRSR, Buddha's Penis, Mordecai, Wil Freak aka 'The Hammer', Dick White
|
|
|
|
|
|
 (HOOTERS ## Providence, RI) In an embarrasing incident a local woman identified as Joey Cat was arrested and charged with indecent exposure and sexual deception last Saturday after parading her privates on the busy streets of Providence.
"I feel hurt and betrayed." Said a local man Frank N. Beans who had been courting Ms. Joey Cat for several months. "I had no idea she had cock 'n balls, I can't believe she deceived me like this."
Joey Cat is facing castration and death by boning for the sexual deception charges, but she maintains that the phallus is not hers.
|
|
|
|
|
I don't know if you've heard, but starting Jan 1, 2003 you will no longer be able to use a cell phone while driving unless you have a "hands free" adapter.
 I went to Circuit City and they wanted $50 for a headset with a boom microphone for my cell phone. I have come up with an alternative, working through Office Depot. These kits are compatible with any mobile phone and one size fits all. They are $0.03 each in quantity. I tried them out on Erickson, Motorola, & Nokia phones and they worked perfectly.
|
|
|
|
|
Man Steals Odd Store Display
Late friday night in a small pharmacy in London, UK a man entered posing as a regular customer. He was dressed nicely and carried several red roses in his hand. He made his way to the back of the store where he then picked up a store display and ran out the door with it, leaving the roses scattered on the floor as he fled. 2 of the 3 other customers in the store at the time identified the man as Phil Lip aka Sp00ky, a resident of London, UK.
It turns out that the store display that Phil ran off with contained 30 disposable enemas. Police are still uncertain why anyone would need that many enemas. And they are still looking for Phil for further questioning. The store owner had only recently set up the display as part of a 3 week promotion. "Maybe he was severly constipated and didn't know what else to do" the store owner later stated.
|
|
|
|
|
(ROOTERS ## Bible Hill, TN) Bradley Dilbeck Porterstein, itinerant internet forum poster writing in cyberspace under various pseudonyms including Paint CHiPs and RumP RanGeR, hastily called a secret press conference this afternoon to announce he was dropping his bid to "come out of the closet".
"Like, I thought it was something I just had to do. After all, I am a Libertarian, you know? But, I've concluded I have a great many issues to resolve before ever considering coming out again in the future. You know? Frankly, man, I was so not prepared for the avalanche of attention that followed the announcement of my previous decision," said Porterstein.
It may turn out there is, in fact, a physiological catalyst for the "avalanche" complained of by the young man. Informed sources disclosed that medical tests, conducted during Porterstein's alum therapy sessions to correct a grossly distended sphincter, detected abnormally high levels of certain complex and astonishingly potent pheromones. For reasons not yet explained, speculation is these pheromones triggered the hot, maniacal pursuits of Porterstein by numerous male suitors, apparently succumbing to an irresistable spell cast by the exceedlingly pungent and powerful excretions.
When asked about it, Porterstein replied, "All I know is that I'm tired of running. They've worn me out. And that thing with that monster Limey just about did me in." Porterstein's mention of the "Limey" was in reference to what has since become known as the Philadelphia Incident, which is still under investigation.
The interview abruptly terminated when a couple of bikers began clawing and banging on the front door of the secret cabin arranged for the meeting. Porterstein was last seen as he ran screaming into the woods after crashing through a side window.
|
|
|
|
|
(ROOTERS ## Manitou Springs, CO) Longtime Asylumnation member and prolific poster mordecai was injured in a freak accident yesterday while preparing a new routine for his act at Tom's Tom-Tom, a notorious strip joint and hot-spot on the outskirts of Colorado Springs. Randy "mordecai" Nibbits was reportedly filling helium balloons during happy hour while in the midst of preparing the set for his much-hyped and anticipated "Around The World In 80 Ways" routine. Unbeknownst to him, Delbert Shane Chickley, a fellow male dancer, snuck up behind Nibbits and shoved the helium nozzle into the gateway to the dark continent.
Chickley later claimed to police that he intended only a prank; that he thought he was shutting the pressure off when he twisted the valve. Regardless, the effect was immediate. When police and EMS attendants arrived, Nibbits was bobbing against the ceiling, attempting to fend off rapid blows from the ceiling fan blades. After being secured and pulled down with a rope, he had to be duct-taped to the guerney before being placed in the ambulance.
Doctors have since determined that Nibbits helium-saturated tissues pose no long-term health risks. Although it may take weeks, even months, they also believe the gas will eventually pass from his system, eventually restoring Nibbits to his normal proportions. In the meantime, as a safety precaution, he has been outfitted with a lead-weighted loincloth until such time as a suitably fitted and weighted wardrobe can be tailored. JEB Stuart of Asylumnation has started an emergency wardrobe fund for that purpose. Persons interested in donating toward the very large sums needed for the new clothing should obtain cashier's checks and/or money orders made payable to "JEB Stuart", then PM Mr. Stuart for routing and/or mailing instructions.
|
|
|
|
|
I've been told repeatedly that I'm supposed to spend today reflecting and remembering, so I've been doing just that. Specifically, I've been reflecting on the trajectory of the airplanes as they hit the WTC, and how the rag-heads failed to maximize the potential of the attack.
Consider the following diagram:
fig. 1.1
It's fairly obvious where the sand niggers fucked up. The actual initial damage and mortality was minimized due to the trajectory of the impact. Secondary mortality was achieved by preventing people above the impact from escaping, and ultimately perishing in the collapse, however, the relatively high location of the impact minimized secondary mortality by allowing 70-90% of the occupants to escape before the collapse.
My proposal involves altering the trajectory and location of impact by nose-diving the airplanes towards the base of the building, as illustrated in fig. 1.1. Such an impact would not only dramatically increase the initial damage caused by the impact, but would also increase secondary mortality by 500-1500%.
In addition to the increased initial and secondary mortality, the TSIF mortality can potentially be boosted. TSIF mortality (The Sky Is Falling) is caused by falling buildings and debris. A low, angular hit would tend to cause the buildings to tip over rather than collapse straight down. The result would increase the TSIF range to many city blocks, rather than the area immediately surrounding the buildings. Obviously, this would be a bonus.
In conclusion, I feel the camel jockeys executed the attack extremely poorly, and if implemented my proposal would yield an estimated mortality bonus of 20,000-60,000 lives.
|
|
|
|
