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(ROOTERS - Djibouti) ## Though details are sketchy at this time, reliable Asylumnation sources report that an American resthome resident may be lost in space. It has been confirmed that Herkimer Eugene McGinty of the Evening Shade facility in Winslow, Arizona wandered away from the facility one evening shortly after having been returned by local deputies on the heels of his previous incarceration for various vagrancy and outraging public decency charges. Mr. McGinty was seen a couple of days later boarding a cargo ship in Houston, Texas destined for various stops in the Indian Ocean and the Red Sea. The ship captain, speaking on condition of anonymity, advised that McGinty was forcibly removed from the vessel at the port in Djibouti, capitol of the Republic of Djibouti, "for the good of the ship".
Djibout affiliates have verified that McGinty, who goes by various names such as "jackass" and "wonderaz", somehow made his way into the headquarters of Djibouti's fledgling space program. A chimpanzee launch was scheduled four days ago, but the animal was found in a coma in its cage, together with a partially unclothed McGinty who was lounging on the floor, smoking a cigarette.
Upon finding the chimpanzee unresponsive, the employee in charge of boarding the animal on the rocket apparently panicked when faced with the prospect of the mission being aborted and bribed McGinty with 500 Djibout francs (approximately $3.00 U.S.) to board the rocket. While the launch was successful, radio contact was lost 12 hours later and technicians have been unable to restore it.
Inquiries to the U.S. Embassy have generated a successive string of "no comment" responses.
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(ROOTERS - Deer Lick, KY) ## A Minnesota fugitive wanted on numerous local, state and federal warrants slipped past armed police guards early Friday morning while in a hospital at an undisclosed Kentucky location. Anonymous sources say that Roberto Quincy "dingle" Johnsonstein, III was hospitalized after emergency room workers witnessed him being shoved from the back of an older Ford Econoline van by unknown men and women yelling and cursing in Spanish. Witnesses failed to get the tag number of the van, but said it had a large airbrush mural of Michael Jackson with "Love Machine" written in bold, hot pink script.
Initially incomprehensible and profusely incontinent, additional ER workers were summoned to subdue Johnsonstein, who reportedly kept his distance from those first on the scene by moon-walking in circles and wildly slinging a soiled canvas bag. Once inside the waiting room, sedation was administered. Despite the sedation, however, restraints were applied when he began frantically screaming, "Guano! Guano! Guano!" while struggling to crawl under the gurney.
When the belongings in his bag were searched in an effort to obtain identification, a hand-written journal was discovered. Authorities were notified shortly thereafter when an alert employee came across information in the journal alluding to several warrants for Johnsontein's arrest.
Asylumnation reporters have acquired an exclusive copy of the journal, together with a roll of film, which has been developed. Though the journal entries are largely unintelligible and possibly in some sort of code, it appears that Johnsonstein and another unidentified man had been consuming malt liquor around the clock for a few days. At some point in the bender, and perhaps acting upon a dare, they embarked upon an expedition to explore "Puffy". Judging from the descriptions provided in the journal, Puffy is apparently a large, wild cavern of unknown location, with vast deposits of guano. The photograph shown here is apparently of Johnsonstein descending into the entrance of Puffy.
It is unknown at this time how Johnsonstein escaped, but an inquiry is under way.
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*Mr. Johnsonstein, shortly after his most recent alien rectal probe session*
(ROOTERS--St. Elmo, CO) Roberto Quincy Johnsonstein, III, a/ka in cyber-circles as "dingle", for the past several years has claimed to have been abucted on a weekly basis by aliens and religiously subjected to repeated vigorous rectal probing. A crack team of Asylumnation reporters found him shortly after his return from yet another alleged abduction. Though appearing spent and exhausted, Johnsonstein was curiously spry and refreshed in his manner and speech. The reporters did turn down his repeated offers to personally demonstrate what he referred to as the "alien gift".
Speaking from a secret location due to outstanding warrants on pending charges, all of which he impatiently waives off as "trumped up", Mr. Johnsonstein again became very animated when the subject turned back to his experiences with the "space folk", as he sometimes referred to them. "I'm telling you, I can set my watch by it! When it's time, I usually have a sack of Cheetos for them because those little bastards LOVE Cheetos, and I usually bring a quart of malt liquor. Fact is, I'm on a first name basis with several of the little green buggers!"
When it was pointed out that the scenarios described by him hardly sounded like he was being abducted, Johnsonstein accused the team of being spies from the NSA and threatened to terminate the interview. After a few minutes, however, he accepted the peace offering of a warm six pack of Old Milwaukee and continued, "I can probably verify over 120 separate abduction and probing incidents, although there's no question in my mind that I have endured several hundred. The thing is, the public tends to view of these things with great apprehension. And don't get me wrong . . . they are awful. Just horrible. But, I have a scientific mind, you know, and I've managed to maintain my objectivity and rise above the trauma."
When pressed for details regarding the licensing rumours, Johnsonstein advised he had a "crack team of lawyers" working on it and, hence, could not reveal specifics. He did say, however, that renewed sexual vigor was chief among several benefits he has received from his alien contact. "If my experiences are any indication, I should be able to make Viagra obsolete."
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(ROOTERS--Pawtucket, R.I.) A citation to cease and desist was issued this morning by Federal Magistrate Joseph T. Jablowski, District Court of Rhode Island against a shadowy Minnesota man. Known in various cyber-circles as "dingle", his legal name is Roberto Quincy Johnsonstein, III. Authorities have requested that anyone with information as to his whereabouts contact the closest Federal Marshall's office.
Johnsonstein is alleged to have been attempting to market turds as toys under the name of "Mr. Pootato Head". Hasbro, Inc., owner of the famous "Mr. Potato Head" initiated the action after numerous complaints surfaced from various individuals and consumer groups. Last Saturday, acting upon an anonymous tip, the Sheriff's office in Milwaukee seized several Mr. Pootatos scattered about a clandestine factory situated in an old lavatory in the basement of an abandoned warehouse.
"I am simply amazed that anyone would have the gaul to sell his poop as toys. No. I take that back. I am DISGUSTED, that's what I am," said Ned Durphey of the Sheriff's toxic waste disposal unit. "It's just sick, that's what it is. Sick.", he continued.
The contraband was still warm when seized early Saturday.
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Hey. As I'm sure you can all see, we have top right up there, a rotating set of 20 or so banners that gets cycled through when you're browsing here. Nothing fancy, just something to keep the place more...dynamic, for lack of a better word. It's sort of nice having a different picture every refresh, but the well is shallow. We need more.
So, I'm soliciting NEW Asylum banners. I'm asking that you, the members, put some of your skills and creative energies together and show us what you got. Cool looking, funny, snazzy, mind-blowing...whatever. But make some banners, and it'll get thrown in the rotation (so long as it doesn't completely suck or violate the rules). Just a nice bit of window-dressing to add to the ambiance of the place.
Most entries will probably get added to the rotation, but I want to see GOOD ones up there. And I want to see who has some talent. So the admin team will pick winners. Gold, silver, and bronze entries. Each will get culture and/or humor points, depending on the entry and how good it is (and thus how it ranks). We wanna see what you can do.
The only rules:
1. It has to be all-age content. No porn banners, please (and yes, I know there are some now, and we're getting rid of them). Retards dancing, is of course, perfectly acceptable.
2. 468 x 60 pixels is the size requirement.
3. The smaller the filesize the better (30kb max)
Post submissions here. Let's add something to the place. I wanna see what you guys can come up with.
Have at it.
You can see the current banners here: http://asylumnation.com/images/banners/
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 Two 12-year-olds were hostpitalized in poor condition and 18 other people were treated for respiratory problems and vomiting Sunday after going on water rides at a park in the suburbs of Columbus, Ohio. Authorities were investigating what sickened the people, said Janice Jackmehoff, spokeswoman for the Wyandot Lake Adventure Park. She said several people in the park's wave pool began coughing just before noon. The water rides were evacuated, and the wave pool remained closed Sunday evening.
Liberty Township fire officials said people reported seeing a woman with soiled drawers in the pool shortly before people became sick. Authorities are seeking this local woman, identified only by the initials PMG, for questioning and invasive anal probing.
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Beeler residents shown wearing "x-ray specs" and other apparatus as they eagerly await the rumoured troll invasion. When asked why the necessity of the specs, the residents chanted in unison, "I'll never tay-yull, I'll never tay-yull...."
(ROOTERS--TURLEY, OK) Residents of Beeler's Sanitorium And Leper Colony are consumed by a new pasttime ## troll-spotting. When pressed with concerns for the safety of his charges, Ned Bender, Beeler administrator, shrugged and replied, "Trolls? Give me a *bleep* break!"
News of secret plans have recently surfaced for troll invasions of either Beeler's or the Korean War Amputees Home in Chadron, NE. Still reeling from humiliating reversals from bungled internet forum invasions, the trolls have been "racking" themselves in a desperate attempt to restore face by searching for more suitable prey.
One such troll, who identified himself only as "Lance", said, "That *bleep* *bleep* Asylumnation is *bleep* nothin' but *bleep* hell. Pure *bleep* hell. I was *bleep* glad to *bleep* get out of there with my *bleep* ass in my *bleep* hand. And *bleep* dude! Those *bleep* Taurus *bleep* geezers were *bleep* hell, too. *bleep* hell. So, *bleep* we just *bleep* about decided to *bleep* can this *bleep* internet *bleep* crap. Instead, we're *bleep* planning a *bleep* midnight *bleep* raid on the *bleep* 'tards at *bleep* Beeler's or maybe even the *bleep* gimps. Like *bleep* , *bleep* mano y *bleep* mano, ya*bleep* know. We *bleep* plan to *bleep* kick some *bleep* serious *bleep* ass. *bleep* rack! We'll *bleep* teach 'em not to *bleep* mess with the *bleep* trolls!"
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Stones during recent practice for upcoming tour. Shown (l-r) Dr. Quimby, the band's physician and harmonica player; Ron Wood; Charlie Watts; Twyla Grimshaw, backup vocals; Mick Jagger; Stella Rumsey, backup vocals; and Truby Moon, sandpaper block percussionist. Keith Richards was indisposed, reportedly undergoing the new radical and controversial formaldehyde therapy.
(ROOTERS ## Asylumnation Bureau) The Rolling Stones have announced yet another North American road trip, their umpteenth tour in several decades. The latest jaunt will kick off "pretty soon" at an undisclosed site rumoured to be in close proximity to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota.
The tour, in support of their just released "Forget Alzheimer's" live album, will see a redesigned open stage with sitelines spanning 360 degrees, courtesy of the same team that designed the "Incontinence Lounge" and "It's Only Geritol" sets. The tour is being presented by the Wyeth Laboratories, makers of Preparation H Medicated Wipes. Opening act is tentatively Ike Turner, pending clearance from his probation and parole officer. Rumours persisted that Iron Butterfly was onboard. Unfortunately, Ron Bushy remains in a coma due to the freakish lightining strike on his iron lung during an Akron show last year..
A spokesperson for the promoter says the tour was inspired by the success of the odd, smaller venues like New York's Madison Estates Resthome performed during the previous nursing home tour, and by the fact that the band was forced to reschedule their U.K. dates until next year for tax and Keith Richard's liver, kidney, lung and heart transplant surgeries.
The spokesperson confirmed that the tickets will average $175 each.
Most of the shows will go on sale between November 20 and 22.
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I've had it. Up to here. That damn jackass Wonderaz has gone plumb over the edge this time. I'm certain of it. And he's pullin' me right along with 'im.
No-good, worthless, dirty-rotten, goofy, ignernt sumbitch. Hang on there. This story's gonna require at least one more bottle.
That's better. Ummm, oh yeah. The jackass. Y'all know that crazy bastid is as afraid o' Johnny Law as a possum is of an axe handle. No question about it. Well, it would stand to reason that if he wuz of a rational mind, which he ain't, he'd avoid potential encounters with the law like the plague.
Not the jackass. Nosireeee. Hell, he just arrived back at the resthome a few hours ago on a bus. Where wuz he, you say? Well, where he wuz ain't nearly as important as whut he wuz doin' when he wuz where he wuz.
I don't know whut I'd do without my trusted, true-blue friend, Dickel. Excuse me if'n I git a tad bit teary-eyed.
Don't worry. I ain't lost my place. I just needed a li'l nip. Anyway, the jackass somehow made it all the way to a damn Eydie Gorme 'n' Steve Lawrence show. Ya gotta understand the jackass don't give a rat's ass 'bout Steve Lawrence, in fact, he's claimed fer years that Lawrence is just a eunuch assigned to Eydie by her record company to keep tabs on her.
I know. I know. Don't make a damn lick o' sense, but remember . . . we're talking 'bout the jackass. The jackass and good sense are like oil 'n' water. Com-pren-day, Jose'?
Jeebus! Some o' that last swallow went down the wrong pipe. Burns like th'dickens. Oh, uh, the bus, the bus. I spent my last red cent . . . again . . . on bail bond and a bus ticket fer the jackass. Seems he disrupted the show 'n' got slapped with an attempted indecent exposure charge that wuz later reduced to attemptin' to disturbin' the piece. Frankly, I thought it wuz bad manners fer th'law to refer to Miss Gorme as a "piece", but hey! Whut do I know?
Anyway, in exchange fer settin' his bail, that bozo judge made the jackass promise he'd leave the jurisdiction if he'd swear to leave Miss Gorme alone forever 'n' ever and to also never come back to that state in return fer sum plea bargin. Well, all I can say is, whoever paid to send that numbnuts judge t'law school oughtta demand a full refund.
Oh, and while I'm at it, I'll just letcha know there ain't no punchline to this story. It's just one o' whut Paint CHiPs calls "cream o' unconsciousness" deals, or sumpin' like that.
And, did I git a "thank you" fer bailin' him out? A pat on the back fer the bus ticket? Hell no. Ungrateful bastid jackass just stumbles offa that bus, all cockeyed 'n' proud o' hisself. He's been in his room fer four hours straight, wearin' nuttin' but that same ol' abominable red bra 'n' red soily panties. Now, I'm used to that. But that ain't all . . .
For the past four hours, he's been blastin' that "Blame It On The Bossa Nova", over and over and over and dancin' in front o' that full-length mirror o' his. I can handle him bein' sick. Hell, he's been sick fer years. But I ain't as ruff 'n' tuff as I used to be an' I'm about to crack.
I been told they put the good Doctor Kevorkian in the pokey. If he has any pals in the business, I'd appreciate it if'n you'd send me his/her phone number and right quick. I love y'all 'n' have enjoyed my time here at AsylumNation, shootin' the shit, lookin' at titties, 'n' drinkin' Dickel. But if I'm gone tomorrow, just blame it on the bossa nova.
Now if y'all will excuse me, I got sum real serious drinkin' t'do.
Amen.
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