Apparently, the two men had been operating a car wash beside Smokey's Tavern with an unusual twist ## they offered free baptisms with each car wash. At ten dollars a pop, witnesses said the man called Saint Paint would appear in a white robe, intoning, "Father, Son 'n' Holy Ghost, wash this sinner with this hose!" Thereupon, Friar Fiend would proceed to douse the occupants of the vehicle with a garden hose.

Presently held on Public Drunk charges, the men's disagreement apparently began over possession of a bottle of tequila. Maine's Consumer Fraud Unit issued the cease and desist order after numerous complaints surfaced, primarily from patrons of the adjacent tavern accusing the men of plastering their vehicles with mud while inside obtaining refreshment.

State investigators are presently running down leads that may tie the crap circles to the "The Mad Scatter", a vagrant who goes by "Dingle Van Winkle". Mr. Van Winkle has been sighted in the vicinity of several of the crap circles, along with another man who has been identified from police photo-files as Herkimer J. "Wonderaz" McGinty.

Anyone with information on the whereabouts of either of these men should contact authorities at once. McGinty has several warrants outstanding from Arizona and is reputedly unpredictable and overly self-medicated.

The Mad Scatter is tied to several incidents of aggressive projectile bowel movement attacks, most of which have been from various overpasses crossing major highways throughout the state. In nearly every instance, his victims have been driving either Kia or Hyundai vehicles. The one exception was a nun pedaling a bicycle on the shoulder of Highway 10 near Good Thunder.

All interested women submitting portfolios must include a minimum of twelve full nude glossy photos. Special preference will be extended to those with an ample ass.

...withheld.

This is about my stunted visual radius. My inability to see to look to be more than five feet in front of my eyes at any time. My prison or my shelter? - wellfuckyoutoo either way you look at it I’m trapped inside be it voluntary or voluntary’s comparatively evil antonym brothersister.

I’ve no key to relieve myself, no lock to pick, no door to open or close. I’ve no control at all as existence passes me up as life and years and others and the Others slide on by I will miss my boat I’m sure andthen-where-will-I-the fuck be?

Stuck? Still whining about my sensory retardation? Boat slides by boat takes off boat is the fuck gone and I’m the fuck unaware that it’s even ever left me here in my prison in my pit in my piss ridden effluvium soaked den of fivefuckingfeet I’m waiting sitting pacing for something to fucking happen I deserve that much for fucksake just a taste, at the bottom least, of what it’s like to be a regular decent job-holding bloke. I am owed, at the basement least, a tongue lick of goodness before I spend another night blah hour blah minute blah instant in this, this, this... In-CAR-cer-A-t-ION!!!

...

And I don’t mean to get so pissy you know? I don’t mean to push and pull and pummel you with my woes but I sweartothefuckingalmighty it’s the truth - not one word a bastards lie I swear unto you I’m full of truth about my “fuck-you-very-much-god” handicaps and scorns. I trust you bloke. You isn’t like the others the Others. I mean, five fucking feet! I’m reduced. An invalid. IN VALID. How am I supposed to get along when I can’t see where I’m off to when I don’t know where I’m the fuck going?

Piss. It was the others the Others that did this to me I swear it. The others the Others have it in for me want me to drown in this fucking fog so they get god to stunt my peepers. I bet you knew this though, cause you’re not like the others the Others at all. They’re just trying to pull me down, crack me some twenty odd more times but I bet you got the real goods on their god scheme conspiracy...

I mean, I bet you know what it’s like to be fourteen.

"We were absolutely terrified!" said one woman who requested anonymity. "I mean, imagine trying to explain to your young children why that man - that abomination - would be standing out there in front of God and everyone, wearing a red brassiere! And that syringe in his head and that nasty drooling! It made me sick!"

When authorities closed in, Mr. McGinty attempted to flee on a Cushman Eagle motor scooter, but lost control and crashed through the front window of The Christian Science Reading Room. As he was restrained and carried away, he kept screaming, "By the way, did I tell you I now have cable?!"

Informed sources indicate a decision on charges will be made after completion of psychological testing.

That’s right. Brooklyn Beckham is in fact, the designated leader of the global neo-communist revolution. His parents, Posh Spice (a.k.a. Victoria “The Communist” Adams) and David “SlipperySlope” Beckham, are the leaders of the west European underground communist movement. A team of Dutch scientists engineered this alleged “baby” in 1993 and his embryo was frozen until mid-1998 when the actual fertilization took place. Case in point, the media reports show that Brooklyn’s middle name is “Joseph”. As in “Joseph Stalin” the ruthless leader of the Soviet Union (from 1928 to 1953).

But recent evidence shows that not all has gone according to the communist plan. Its seems Brooklyn, being unnaturally gifted in many areas, has developed a political agenda of his own. His parents were so distressed by this, that they could barely hold on to their secret identities as famous cultural figures. At first little Joseph was more than willing to buy into the social ideology spoon fed to him by the various seedy communists moving through the Beckham household. The truth however, seemed more appealing. Disguised as a small travelling salesman, Brooklyn would sneak out of the house during the night and spend hours in the library reading political literature. He quickly overcame his lack of motor skills. By the time he was 15 months old Brooklyn was a very sneaky baby.

The communists were not pleased, naturally. They had big plans for their cerebral marvel. Now they were scared. The Baby was doing things that they didn’t understand. The entire eastern wing of the Beckham estate was converted into a massive fort, where Brooklyn would stay, all alone, for days and even weeks. Posh spice and her husband didn’t seem to mind. It was as if their son has somehow “neutralized” them. The west European cell was now without true leaders, except for a little chubby baby with secret goals that (as it became more apparent) had nothing to do with communism.

The revolution was over.

For the past few months there has been no word of Brooklyn Beckham’s whereabouts. He left Europe and wasn’t located by any communists around the world. However, people “in the know” say that he might appear before the high (communist) council when it meets in Spain this July. What will he say?

In his few years on this earth Brooklyn has already achieved more than most people achieve in a lifetime. But he has also known more suffering. He has been prosecuted for his beliefs, and hated for his abnormality. When Brooklyn Joseph Beckham will speak before the communists, the WORLD will be listening.

I have a friend who owns a small, double-screen movie theatre. On the evenin' o' August 9th, I got to watch Rush Hour 2. Well, what in tarnation does Rush Hour 2 have to do with this review? Not a shittin' thang, except fer the fact that, afterwards, I got to stick around an' watch a private screenin' of American Pie 2, which is set for nationwide release August 10th.

I can make this very simple for at least some of ya. If ya didn't like American Pie, then don't bother goin' to see AP2. I am not the least bit ashamed, however, to admit that I thoroughly enjoyed American Pie. It tickled the ever-luvin' shit outta me. Hence, I have eagerly been awaiting my chance to see AP2.

Now that I've seen AP2, was I disappointed? I pose this question fer the simple reason that, over the years, the vast majority of sequels I have viewed were, in fact, disappointments. Oh, there are exceptions, such as Godfather Part II. I believe most of you would agree, though, that as a rule, sequels generally fall far short of expectations, i.e., if we've learned anythin', it's not to expect too much from 'em.

One of the very cool things about AP2 is they somehow managed to carry over the entire main cast from the original, intact. My favorite character from American Pie was Finch, played by Eddie Kaye Thomas. In case ya fergot, Finch's the one who nailed Stifler's Mom (Jennifer Coolidge). It'd prob'ly be interestin' to take a poll on everybody's favorite character(s).

Plot? Essentially, the boys've finished their first year o' college; they decide to throw in together 'n' rent a house on the lake beach fer the summer; and all roads lead to their big summer party. Throw in heaps o' gross-out humour and/or sexual gags 'n' there ya have it. Don't expect a strain on yer brain. Instead, just sit back 'n' laugh off yer ass. Or, if'n ya got a corn cob up yer ass, go watch sumpin' else.

Fer the record, Seann William Scott returns as Stifler; Jason Biggs as Jim; Chris Klein as Oz; Thomas Ian Nicholas as Kevin; as well as the always hilarious Eugene Levy as Jim's dad.

AP2 wasn't the absolute funniest movie I've ever seen, but I enjoyed it enough to give it three Fred Heads outta five. Amen.

An anonymous source from the 911 dispatcher's office revealed a call complaining of a man repeatedly disrupting week-long marathon revival services with strange and bizarre outbursts, including yodeling with a lisp during singing of hymns and exchanging discount coupons for cash when the offering was being given.

The congregation and minister had attempted to resolve the situation in house the past few days, but the last straw apparently came during the Lord's Supper. Mr. "Van Winkle" is alleged to have seized and guzzled the sacramental wine, raced to the balcony, then hung his posterior over the railing and expelled copious amounts of feces on several members of the congregation as they looked up from below.

Charges are pending.