Oh yes. I wouldn't be surprised if, by now, y'all were wonderin' an' worryin' that maybe ol' JEB'd run outta bedtime stories. Well, the answer is a resounding "nope". I'm here to tellya--as long as that jackass Wonderaz lives 'n' breathes, ol' JEB'll always have more stories to share than he could ever possibly tell.
True--they're nearly always tales of woe, disgust, humiliation, misery and shame. And this one I'm 'bout to lay on ya is no different. I've learned over time (a considerable amount o' time) that's just how 'tis, and how it's always gonna be, a-hangin' with the high 'n' mighty jackassedness.
Another truism--if I had all the damn money I've pissed away over the years on bail bondsmen fer wonderturd the jailbird, I'd be a semi-wealthy man. Yep, I could be livin' on a tropical beach, instead o' rottin' away in a stale, urinized cesspool called a "resthome".
Oh well. So be it.
Hang on there, a minute . . . I lost my train o' thought. Jeebus.
Oh! This ordeal began several years ago. Me 'n' the jackass were on the road in my trusty blue Chevy Apache pickup on our way to Bokchito. He had a rich uncle there who went by the name o' "Dink". To this day, I don't know Dink's real name, or even if he had a real name. I just know everybody called 'im "Dink". Anyways, we wuz hopin' to pick up some extra bucks thrashin' peanuts fer ol' Dinkums.
We were still a long way from our destination when we decided to pull over at a fast food eatin' joint called "Doug's Taco Dog". I voiced serious misgivings 'cause o' the name, but Wonder swore up an' down he'd heard the place served great grub. On the bright side, at least it wasn't named "Doug's Dog Taco", or I woulda had to put my foot down.
We pulled up and strolled inside. There was a pimple faced li'l kid (nothin' against pimples--this kid just had a bunch of 'em, too many to count, in fact) who just stood there by the register, a-pickin' at an especially large 'n' festered zit on the very tip o' his nose. I finally asked what in hell wuz a Taco Dog. In reply, he just reached around with his zit-picker and grabbed sumpin' that looked like a corn dog. He took a bite, then handed it to me. It was similar to a corn dog, except instead of a wiener inside, there was a core o' a pungent, brownish-orange substance oozing out like lumpy pudding from the middle.
I passed on 'em, but the jackass ordered a half dozen. I settled fer some nachos, since they didn't look nearly as sinister as those taco dogs. We both got the house drink special, however, which was a frozen banana concoction called a "slusharita".
We sat down in front of a TV suspended from the ceiling, I suppose fer the diners' viewing pleasure. As we ate, Wonder was intently watching a documentary 'bout some ol' gal who'd popped Mickey D's fer some big bucks. The old lady claimed she'd burned the shit outta herself when she accidentally dumped a cup o' MacDonald's coffee in her lap.
I swear, when that program started talkin' 'bout the tub o' money she got, I began hearin' those rusty gears in that sick and feeble jackass brain a-creakin' an' a-squealin' like there was no tomorrow. Lemme just tellya like it is--I've learned, from experiences too numerous to count, that noise from that noggin o' his is always a portent of very bad things to come.
Sure 'nuff, my instincts were correct. As if in a trance, his eyes still glued to the boob tube, ol' Wonder took a big swig o' that ice cold slusharita. Suddenly, he grabbed his head with both hands and let out a howl that sounded like a coon dog listenin' to feedback from a Marshall amp. Naturally, when his hands went to his head, gravity took charge o' the slusharita and the remaining contents were promptly deposited in his lap.
He put on an Oscar-worthy performance, I must say, although this was to be no one-act show. Oh, Wonder Cagney hit the floor a-rollin' an' a-sobbin'. The peewee zit-picker apparently paused long enough to dial 911, 'cause the Deaf (pronounced deef) Smith County EMS arrived in no time flat.
I got in ol' blue and followed the ambulance to the hospital.
fast-forward two years later . . . .
"Oyez! Oyez! The County Court o' Deaf Smith County, great State of Texas, is now in session, the Honorable County Judge Rollo M. Pulchney presiding!"
How in hell Wonder's case ever made it to a jury is beyond me. But, there he was, a-wearin' a polka-dot tie 'n' plaid shirt, sittin' next to his lawyer, Truman "Tuffy" Trujillo. "Tuffy" had a reputation, alright, but he'd earned it from years o' hard drinkin', rather than any kinda courtroom prowress.
Sittin' at the other table was Doug Sliger, owner 'n' sole proprietor o' Doug's Taco Dog. Immediately to his left was the attorney provided by his liability insurance carrier. Her name was Jane Chesworth and lemme put it as simple as I can--Ms. Chesworth Esquire had flamin' read hair and was built like the proverbial brick shithouse. To be precise, she had a rack o' melons on her that'd revive the nursin' instinct outta even the most jaded, over-the-hill, sumbitch alive.
*Bam-bam-bam!* Hizzonor Pulchney rapped the gavel, hacked and snorted, then said, "Miss Chestworthy, are you ready?"
"Umm, that's CHEZ-werth, your honor, and yes, we are ready", she cooed as she stood up in all her mammaried glory.
Wonder jumps up and hollers, "Hey Judge! We're ready, too, and that monster over there owes me millions o' dollars for my pain 'n sufferin' 'n' other stuff, too!" The sudden outburst apparently woke-up Tuffy, 'cause he springs up, pounds his fist on the table, and yells, "Your honor, I object as being incompetent, irrelevant and immaterial!"
Without diverting his gaze from Ms. Chesworth's awesome baby feeders, Judge Pulchney says in an icy, deadpan voice, "I could not agree with you more, counselor. Now, sit yore client down so's we can get on with it."
And get on with it, they did. The jackass took the stand, of course, and ranted on and on 'bout the dangers o' frozen slusharitas. Said he had a $250 ambulance and emergency room bill, plus millions o' dollars worth o' pain 'n' sufferin'. Told the jury 'bout how his testicles 'n' crank had been ravaged by frostbite from the exceedingly dangerous slusharita. Claimed he had to endure the humiliation o' wearin' adult diapers 'cause that "infernal" slusharita had robbed him of all bladder control. He testified on and on 'bout daily excruciating migraines brought on by the severe head freeze he'd sustained from his first gulp of the frozen concoction. Then, with tears in his eyes, he dropped his voice, looked at the jurors and said, "Worst thang of all is I can't git it up anymore. You know? I just can't git an e-rek-shun. I-I-I've lost my manliness, my manhood!" With that, he just dropped his head and began sobbing like a baby.
On that high note, Tuffy's direct examination had ended. With a flourish of his right hand, he announced, "I tender this poor, pitiful witness, yer honor!" I couldn't help but notice several of the jurors slumping down in their chairs, covering their mouths and rolling their eyes as Tuffy stumbled back to his table.
Ms. Chesworth slowly approached Wonder with her back to the jury. As she sauntered to the witness box, I caught just enough of a flash to see that three buttons on her blouse had somehow come undone, exposing more o' her boy toys than the law should allow. I'll hand it to her, though. It was an ingenious ploy, since she had the Judge droolin' while our lad Wonderaz began sweatin' bullets and squirmin' in his seat.
She asked a few questions until she was satisfied the witness was sufficiently "warmed up". Miss Jane then directed the jackass to get up from his seat and walk over to a table about 10 feet from the jury booth. Wonder looked pleadingly up at the Judge, but Hizzoner just pointed him to the table without once breakin' his eyes from the one woman hooter review occuring on the courtroom floor.
So, Wonder slowly arose. Hunkered over with both hands over his crotch, he quickly shuffled over to the table and sat down.
Ms. Chesworth placed her hands on the table and leaned over. With eight or nine inches of prime and creamy cleavage less than 3 feet from Wonder's red, perspiring face, she inquired, "Sir, why were you slouched over with your hands covering your groin area when you walked to this table?"
"Uh . . . uh . . . m-m-m-my m-man-hoo-hoo-hood wuz achin' from the-the f-f-frost-b-b-bite!" The jackass was sinking fast.
"Oh really?", she purred. "Well, I'm sooo sorry, sir. This won't take long. I just need for you to show us what happened on that awful day. Mmmm-kay? The Chesworth loaves o' plenty inched even closer to the gulping and twitching Wonderaz.
"Ho-ho-hokay, m-m-m-ma'm." The jackass was fixin' to git the ten count.
Thereupon, Ms. Chesworth produced an empty slusharita cup. She put it on the table and, as Wonderaz reached for it, her left mega-boob just happened to come to rest on top of the cup. The jackass's hand started tremblin' and his eyelids had disappeared.
That did it. Wonder snapped. "YAAAAAHHHHH!!!! BUBUBUBUBUBU!!!" He shot outta his chair and buried his face smack dab in the middle o' the promised land. Ms. Chesworth just turned her head and looked at the jury as she gave the jackass a little jiggle, just for good measure.
Of course, within seconds, our aspiring millionaire had been subdued by a coupla deputies. As the jackass stood there with his wrists handcuffed behind his back, Ms Chesworth, Esq. patted her hair, straightened her blouse, then pointed at Wonder's crotch and said in a loud, triumphant voice, "Your honor, I move to introduce defense exhibit number one, the plaintiff's erection!"
The courtroom went dead silent as all eyes turned to the bulging defense exhibit number one. The jackass's eyes began darting around wildly, then he finally blurted out, "IT'S A MIRACLE!!! PRAISE BE!!! I'M CURED!!! HALLELUJAH!!! I'M CURED!!! PRAISE BE!!! AAAHAHAHAHAAA!!! HALLELUJAH!!!"
Judge Pulchney rapped the gavel and announced, "I've heard all I'm gonna hear! Case dismissed! Officers, remove the prisoner!"
As the deputies led Wonderaz to his free room 'n' board, we could still hear him babbling, "I'M CURED! A MIRACLE!! HALLELUJAH, I'M CURED! GOD BLESS AMERICA! I AM SOOOO CURED . . . ."