[Story Index] [Discussion Thread] [The Asylum]
So Afraid
By ChikChillin
2001-03-03
I look back at when I was a little girl. If you were to have told me how my life would turn out, I would have laughed in your face. I had a perfect family. My parents loved me with all their hearts. We went out together on weekends, watched television together in the evenings, and even sat down to have meals as a family. I’m starting to wonder how much of that was an act. Was it all for show? Was it so that people wouldn’t question them as to what kind of parents they were? If only I could go back. I would surely tell them that they shouldn’t waste their time. The truth all came out, in spite of their efforts.
Don’t get me wrong, I did have good parents. A lot of times they went without so that I wouldn’t have to. My Dad worked VERY hard for us. And my Mom did what she could. I love them very much for this. I just wish that the outcome could have been different.
I’m not exactly sure where to begin. Oh well, please just bear with me. As you know, I love my parents. But, I never really got along with my mother. I remember from a very young age that I didn’t like her. I don’t know exactly why, I just know that I didn’t want her there. I remember telling my Dad that he should leave her, and marry me. As a little girl, of course, I didn’t know that this wasn’t allowed. So don’t think I’m demented. I remember always being Daddy’s girl. I loved him with all of my heart. I loved Mom too, just not like that. I always felt as if she would be happier without me around.
My Mother and I fought constantly. My Dad always said that it was because we were so much alike. And that it didn’t matter whom they are, when you place two women in one house, they’re going to fight. I never understood this. I think that it was because, deep down, I knew my Mom didn’t want me. She was the one that always had to put up with me. She was the one to always correct me. My Dad wasn’t around that much. He didn’t have the time to be bothered with punishing me. I think that has a great deal to do with why I resented her so much. She was the one to always tell me, "NO." Plus, I think that my Mom was jealous of the relationship I had with my Grandma. I always got along perfectly fine with her. I was around her all the time. She should have been my Mom. She was the one that was always there for me to talk to. She always cared, and tried to guide me, even if she knew that I was in the wrong.
Well, when I was about ten years old, my Mom was diagnosed with cancer. She had to have a hysterectomy. This scared me so much. It finally didn’t matter how much I didn’t like her. It only mattered that if something went wrong, I’d miss her a great deal. I remember being at home without her. My Father had given me a letter from my Mom. I read this every night. The letter told of how much she loved me, and if something were to happen that I should never forget. I’ll never forget those words, or that time in my life. I just wish that she could say the same.
Now let’s visit somewhere in the area of my twelfth year. My parents are fighting. My Mom wants a divorce. She caught my Dad cheating on her. This was a very ugly time in my life. I had to make a decision. Who was I going to live with? I looked at whom I got along with better, I chose my Father. Needless to say Mom wasn’t too pleased. She decided to throw in my face that I must not love her. I chose my Father because I knew that I would get to do what I wanted. He was never around. She made me feel so guilty, telling me that she would have stayed if it hadn’t been for the cheating. Sure she would. I might have believed her if she hadn’t been cheating also. She cheated on my Dad during the whole marriage with other women. My Dad does it, and she wants a divorce. Said the pot to the kettle. Oh well, such is life.
After my Mom left, I barely saw her. She was always too busy. She had gone to stay with my Grandma. I had to get my Grandma to come get me just so that I could see my Mom. To me, that’s just not right. She always threw in my face that I had made my decision. So I guess to her I didn’t need a Mom. I’m just so glad that I had Grandma.
Without parental supervision I was trouble on two feet. I starting smoking, drinking, and doing drugs. My Dad cared but wanted me to learn on my own. He knew that if he had told me not to do something, I’d only want to do it more. I have learned a lot. I hardly do anything anymore. I taught myself by watching others. I was forced to grow up quickly, and in a way, I’m glad. It’s made me strong, and that is what my Father wanted. He didn’t want me to have to rely on anyone for anything. He always told me that someday he wouldn’t be there, and that I would need to fend for myself. I just had no idea it would be so soon.
What has happened to my life? It went from a wonderful thing, to a nightmare. My Mom is living with her girlfriend, who hates me. My Dad is with his girlfriend, who doesn’t like me that much because I’m not one of her own children. I’m just without anyone. I went from having my Dad right by my side, to having a Father that doesn’t even acknowledge I’m still alive.
In July of 2000, my Father decided to help my Mother. Don’t ask me why, I’ll never be able to understand. He sells her his house, my home. It doesn’t matter to him because he is living somewhere else with his girlfriend. So, I lose the only place I’ve ever known. She decides that I can’t stay there until I find a place. I had nowhere else to go so I leave Ohio. I left my job, my home, and a lot of my stuff. And here I am in North Carolina.
Two days after arriving in this beautiful state, I’m in a car accident. A truck hit me, and my car was totaled. I live out in the country, and to get to town without a car is almost impossible. There is one place to work near me. It’s convenient that they’re not hiring. You need a job to get a car, and a car to get a job here. So that left me needing a little help. I go to my Father. He informs me that he’ll help me get a car. WONDERFUL! Problem solved! So, now it’s time to get the car. Dad says that he can’t help. His girlfriend doesn’t think that it’s a good idea. Great! Thanks Dad!
I go to my roommate, he agrees that I can stay and clean the house until I can get the job at the gas station. They still aren’t hiring. So now, he’s decided that he no longer likes this agreement, and wants me out. I have no car, no job, and no one here to go to. Once again, I go to my parents. They inform me that they wish they could help, but there’s nothing that they can do for me. Ouch, that hurts.
Oh well, guess Dad was right. One day he won’t be here for me. I just wish that it wouldn’t be now. The thought of not having anyone, and not knowing where I’m going to end up, is driving me crazy. I’m scared. I know that I’ll be okay, I’m just so afraid that I’ll fail. I’m so afraid that I’ll make one little mistake, and end up on the street forever. I would have never thought that this is how my life would turn out. I want so bad to just go back to being a little girl. Having the chance to hug my parents again. To have them love me. I guess these are things I thought would never go away.