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Saturday afternoon thoughts...
By Flit
2001-06-13
I can’t even see the top of my desk anymore. I should be doing something, like uploading the three credit card modems on the left, or filing the two-inch high stack of information on the corner of my desk. But fuck it, it's Saturday. What am I doing here on Saturday? I’m wondering the same thing. Actually, I have to leave shortly in order to work on site tonight. Yeah, another Saturday night of hanging out in someone’s restaurant, trying to stay out of the way and waiting for someone to have a problem with the computer system. The manager has already called me once today…a terminal has no power…but he tells me he did his part already—he called me so he doesn’t have to work with me to get power to the terminal. He’ll wait for me to get there, and then I’m sure I’ll get a ration of shit about why I wasn’t there earlier to fix it.
Why do I do this? Why do I work in this thankless job, 60-70 hours a week for the shitty salary deemed appropriate for me? I don’t get to put my daughter to bed many nights, and working until midnight or one in the morning makes me irritable when I wake up. My marriage is in shambles and I find myself not even caring about that…in fact, I find myself falling in love with someone else. My life is full…I am busy…I have no time to post on the forum, or send a card to my grandmother (who is dying of lung cancer) or even call my mother.
But I feel so empty.
Is it just because I feel like I don’t have enough? What more is there? I’ve been in love, I have a child, I used to like my job, I have a house, and a car, and two cats. Many people would like my life. All I have are regrets. Why didn’t I study something else in college? Why did I get married so young? Why did I get pregnant so soon? How come I didn’t find Mr. Right the first time around? There are no resolutions for these questions. I have created this pyramid with my life.
All things affect the one most important person to me: my daughter. I feel like I’m stuck. I will never be truly happy with my life until she goes to college and I can take control again. I drink too much, I’ve taken up smoking. I’ve gained weight and I hate the way my body looks. I’m so stressed and so distracted that I almost can’t think anymore. I have an appointment with my shrink Monday morning. She should have a field day with me this week!!!
I wish I could write something truly profound in this space, and not be using it exclusively to bitch about how miserable I am, but they say “write what you know”. I’m going to go have a cigarette before I drive to my “job” tonight. Maybe a beer too, hehe.